評論
打印
"A blue beyond blue like..."
“藍得清澈 就像...”
Like nothing but blue.
藍色就行了 不用比喻
"A blue he could swim into forever and never miss..."Mmm, cut this.
“是一種讓他愿意永遠沉溺其中的藍...”嗯 這句話刪掉
Then pick up with...Had there ever been such blue? Had there ever been such eyes?
后面接...人世間有此等動人的藍嗎? 有此等迷人的眼嗎?
Don't need the rhetorical. Why?It's not a lightning bolt. It's a digression.
這里不需要用反問 為什么?因為這樣偏題了 它不是在描述戀愛的感覺
"A blue beyond..." No!Her eyes were blue.Better.
“藍得...” 不!她的眼睛是清澈的藍 好多了
And cut.He was worthless. She was everything.
這里也刪掉 他一無是處 但是她就是他的全部
She was a girl across a room. That's enough.
她就是一個從他眼前經(jīng)過的女孩 這樣就行了
And so, cut "the lost, wandering souls..." Cut.
所以“所有迷失 彷徨的靈魂...”這一句都不要了 刪掉
"So quickly did he fall for her...that no one in the room even heard the sound..."
“這一切發(fā)生得太快 快得連他周圍的人 一點聲響都沒聽見”
"the whoosh as he fell, the clatter..."
“愛神之箭離弦的聲音 他心碎的聲音...”
The whoosh, the clatter. Is that the point?
嗖嗖聲 嘩啦聲 這些東西有意義嗎?
Well, what did you hear when you fell in love?
那你戀愛的時候會聽見什么?
What did you hear? Clattering?
聽見什么? 嘩啦聲?
The point is it was all happening inside him.His life changed.No one else in the room noticed anything.
我想表達的重點 是他的心理活動 他的人生在那一刻發(fā)生了改變 但是他周圍的人都沒注意到
Then make that the point.
那就這么寫啊
I hate to see the words go!
我討厭刪減內(nèi)容!
Maybe the larger question is this.
也許我們可以換個角度看這個問題
In a book crowded with great rolling mountains of prose... how is this moment profoundly different?
在一本滿是華麗辭藻的書中 如何才能使你描寫的這段場景 在所有內(nèi)容之中凸顯出來?
Because it's simple. Unadorned.
讓它變得簡單 不加修飾
Like lightning.Standing out in the black sky by its starkness.
就像閃電一樣 在黑夜之中一閃而過 干脆且令人印象深刻
Exactly.God damn!
完全正確 天啊
