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I was, in the 1960s, in a marriage.
60年代我結婚了，
To use the word bad would be perhaps the understatement of the year.
用“糟糕透了”這個詞都不足以形容
It was dreadful.
簡直是糟糕極了。
There are, I'm sure, enough divorced people in this room
我相信在座的就有離婚的人
to know about the hostility, the anger, who knows what.
知道那種敵意、憤怒，誰知道呢。
Being someone who had had a very difficult childhood,
我有不堪的童年經歷，
a very difficult adolescence -- it had to do with not quite poverty but close.
青春期也很痛苦，雖然不是窮困潦倒，也差不多。
It had to do with being brought up in a family where no one spoke English,
生長在一個無人說英語的家庭里，
no one could read or write English.
沒人能讀或寫英語。
It had to do with death and disease and lots of other things.
親人經歷了疾病和死亡，還有其他的不幸
I was a little prone to depression.
我有點抑郁的傾向。
So, as things got worse, as we really began to hate each other,
所以事情變得越來越糟，我們開始相互憎恨，
I became progressively depressed over a period of a couple of years,
我在那幾年里逐漸變得抑郁，
trying to save this marriage, which was inevitably not to be saved.
雖努力挽救婚姻，但卻無法挽救。
Finally, I would schedule -- all my major surgical cases,
最后，我所有的大手術，
I was scheduling them for 12, one o'clock in the afternoon,
都安排在中午12點，下午1點
because I couldn't get out of bed before about 11 o'clock.
因為我無法在上午11點前起床。
And anybody who's been depressed here knows what that's like.
在座有過抑郁癥的人都能了解。
I couldn't even pull the covers off myself.
我甚至沒力氣把被子掀開。
Well, you're in a university medical center,
我是在大學附屬醫療中心，
where everybody knows everybody, and it's perfectly clear to my colleagues,
大家都很熟，我的同事們都知道我，
so my referrals began to decrease.
所以我轉接病人減少。
As my referrals began to decrease,
當我的病人越來越少的時候，
I clearly became increasingly depressed until I thought, my God, I can't work anymore.
我變得更加抑郁，一直到我發現，天呢，我不能再工作了。
And, in fact, it didn't make any difference because I didn't have any patients anymore.
事實上這對我也沒什不同，因為我也沒有病人了。
So, with the advice of my physician,
所以，接受我醫師的建議，
I had myself admitted to the acute care psychiatric unit of our university hospital.
我住進了我們大學醫院的急性精神病治療科。
And my colleagues, who had known me since medical school in that place, said,
那些從醫學院就認識我的同事們告訴我
"Don't worry, chap. Six weeks, you're back in the operating room. Everything's going to be great."
“不要擔心，伙計，6周，你就會回到手術室。一切都會好的。”
Well, you know what bovine stercus is?
你知道什么是扯淡嗎？
That proved to be a lot of bovine stercus.
這些話就是扯淡。
I know some people who got tenure in that place with lies like that.
我知道有些人就靠這些謊言才有了終身教授的名頭。
So I was one of their failures.
我是他們謊言的活證。
But it wasn't that simple.
事情不是那么簡單。
Because by the time I got out of that unit, I was not functional at all.
因為后來我出了院，根本就沒有對我起作用。
I could hardly see five feet in front of myself.
我幾乎看不到我面前5英尺的東西。
I shuffled when I walked. I was bowed over.
我拖著腳走路，我彎著腰。
I rarely bathed. I sometimes didn't shave. It was dreadful.
我幾乎不洗澡，也不刮胡子。太糟糕了。
And it was clear -- not to me,
我的狀況很明顯—我自己不知道
because nothing was clear to me at that time anymore --
我當時什么都不知道—
that I would need long-term hospitalization in that awful place called a mental hospital.
明顯我需要長期的入院治療，住進在那個糟糕的叫做精神病院的地方。
So I was admitted, in 1973, in the spring of 1973,
所以1973年春天我住院了，
to the Institute of Living, which used to be called the Hartford Retreat.
住在Living學院，以前被稱作哈特福特療養院。
It was founded in the eighteenth century,
Living學院18世紀建成，
the largest psychiatric hospital in the state of Connecticut,
是康涅狄格州除了大型醫院外
other than the huge public hospitals that existed at that time.
最大的精神病院，在當時是這樣的
