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Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize
經過這一切，我才恍然大悟
was that each voice was closely related to aspects of myself,
每一個我聽到的聲音都跟自己密切相關
and that each of them carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had an opportunity to process or resolve,
而且都帶著豐沛的情緒，只是我以前沒機會處理那些記憶
memories of sexual trauma and abuse, of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth.
像是性創(chuàng)傷、性虐待、憤怒、慚愧、罪惡感和妄自菲薄
The voices took the place of this pain and gave words to it,
那些聲音取代了傷痛，并把痛苦說出來
and possibly one of the greatest revelations
不過最重要的啟示也許是
was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices
當我明白那些最具敵意和侵略性的聲音
actually represented the parts of me that had been hurt most profoundly,
其實就代表我受傷最深的那部分
and as such, it was these voices that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care.
因此，正是這些聲音需要最多關愛和同情
It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately
正是這樣的領悟讓我最后
I would gather together my shattered self,
愿意把那些聲音構成的片段拼湊起來
each fragment represented by a different voice, gradually withdraw from all my medication,
找回完整的自我并逐漸擺脫對藥物的依賴
and return to psychiatry, only this time from the other side.
我又回到精神科，不過這次是研究
Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated,
第一次聽到聲音已是10年前的事了
this time with the highest degree in psychology the university had ever given,
而這次我終于取得心理學最高學位!是我母校在該領域頒發(fā)過的最高學歷
and one year later, the highest masters, which shall we say isn't bad for a madwoman.
對一個瘋女人來說能取得碩士學歷也不差!
In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers during the exam,
老實說，考試的時候我還聽到報答案的聲音
which technically possibly counts as cheating.
這應該算作弊吧!
And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well.
坦白講，我有時還挺享受這種被“關照”的感覺
As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
就像王爾德說的，唯一比被人議論更糟糕的事就是你這人根本不值一提.
It also makes you very good at eavesdropping,
這經驗讓我非常善于偷聽人講話
because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously.
因為我可同時聽懂兩邊的對話
So it's not all bad.
算起來也沒那么糟!
I worked in mental health services, I spoke at conferences,
我在心理健康部門工作過，也在多場研討會上發(fā)表過演講
I published book chapters and academic articles, and I argued, and continue to do so,
還出版過專文與書籍專章，到目前我還在爭論
the relevance of the following concept:
接下來這個觀念的關聯性
that an important question in psychiatry shouldn't be what's wrong with you
精神病診斷上，關鍵問題不應該是：你哪里不對勁?
but rather what's happened to you.
而是發(fā)生甚么事了?
And all the while, I listened to my voices,
這段時間我傾聽那些
with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect
好不容易得以泰然處之的聲音
and which in turn reflected a growing sense of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself.
而這也反映出我越來越能同情、接納和尊重自己
And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment
記得最令我感動的特別時刻是
when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices,
幫助另一個被自己內心聲音嚇壞的年輕女性
and becoming fully aware, for the very first time, that I no longer felt that way myself
那是我首次意識到，我看待自己的方式改變了
but was finally able to help someone else who was.
而且還有能力幫別人突破
