I was referred to a psychiatrist, who likewise took a grim view of the voice's presence,
我被轉介給精神科醫生,有聲音這件事被很嚴肅地看待
subsequently interpreting everything I said through a lens of latent insanity.
所以接著我所說的一切都被當作精神異常的可能征兆
For example, I was part of a student TV station that broadcast news bulletins around the campus,
比方說,我們學校有新聞電視臺,而我是成員之一
and during an appointment which was running very late,
有一次會面的時間太久
I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go. I'm reading the news at six."
我說:"醫生,抱歉我得走了!我還要回去報6點的新聞"
Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor has delusions that she's a television news broadcaster.
結果診斷書上說我幻想自已是電視新聞主播
It was at this point that events began to rapidly overtake me.
從此事情發展迅速超出我所能掌控
A hospital admission followed, the first of many, a diagnosis of schizophrenia came next,
就在我住院后,精神分裂的診斷也一一確定了
and then, worst of all, a toxic, tormenting sense of hopelessness, humiliation and despair about myself and my prospects.
最糟的是,那種不抱希望、屈辱,還有對自己和前途絕望的折磨令人痛苦不堪
But having been encouraged to see the voice not as an experience but as a symptom,
因為一直被灌輸這個觀念,聽到怪聲音不是一種經驗,是有病
my fear and resistance towards it intensified.
我對此的恐懼和抗拒也與日俱增

Now essentially, this represented taking an aggressive stance towards my own mind,
本質上,這等于要我與自己的思想為敵
a kind of psychic civil war,
就像是心靈內戰
and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase and grow progressively hostile and menacing.
結果我聽到的怪聲音反而變多了且逐漸衍生出敵意
Helplessly and hopelessly, I began to retreat into this nightmarish inner world
感到絕望又無助的我便自我封閉于噩夢般的內心世界
in which the voices were destined to become both my persecutors and my only perceived companions.
而那些聲音便成了其中我唯一的伙伴及加害者
They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy of their help,
那些聲音告訴我,如果我能證明
then they could change my life back to how it had been,
自己值得他們幫助,那么他們可讓我的人生回到原來的樣子
and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set, a kind of labor of Hercules.
而一連串怪異的任務于焉展開,都不是容易應付的那種
It started off quite small, for example, pull out three strands of hair,
剛開始還只是小意思,像是拔下3搓頭發
but gradually it grew more extreme, culminating in commands to harm myself,
但逐漸變本加厲,最后要我做一些傷害自己的事
and a particularly dramatic instruction:
還有一些蠻夸張的指示
"You see that tutor over there? You see that glass of water? "
"看見那助教沒?有一杯水對吧?"
Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students."
"我要妳過去在其他學生面前,把水倒在他頭上"
Which I actually did, and which needless to say did not endear me to the faculty.
我真的照做了! 當然不用說,我也成為教職員眼中的頭痛人物
In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance, mistrust and misunderstanding had been established,
事實上,恐懼、回避、猜忌和誤解的惡性循環已經形成
and this was a battle in which I felt powerless and incapable of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation.
但我無力抗拒,也無法妥協或平靜下來
Two years later, and the deterioration was dramatic.
2年后,情況急遽轉壞
By now, I had the whole frenzied repertoire:
這期間我經歷過各種怪事
terrifying voices, grotesque visions, bizarre, intractable delusions.
令人害怕的聲音,丑陋的影像,莫名的怪異幻象
My mental health status had been a catalyst for discrimination, verbal abuse,
而我的心理狀態讓我飽受歧視與言詞羞辱
and physical and sexual assault,
甚至被攻擊和性侵
and I'd been told by my psychiatrist, "Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer,
我的心理醫生還曾告訴我:"Eleanor, 妳若是得癌癥還比較好"
because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia."
精神分裂還比較難治!"
I'd been diagnosed, drugged and discarded,
經過診斷、用藥,然后被遺棄
and was by now so tormented by the voices that I attempted to drill a hole in my head in order to get them out.
深受那些聲音所苦,讓我一度想在頭上開個洞,好把那些聲音趕出去
Now looking back on the wreckage and despair of those years,
回首這些年的千瘡百孔
it seems to me now as if someone died in that place, and yet, someone else was saved.
看來就像有人隕歿,但另一個人卻獲救
A broken and haunted person began that journey,
起初那個傷痕累累又不安的人
but the person who emerged was a survivor and would ultimately grow into the person I was destined to be.
已褪變為一個救星,最后變成命中注定的樣子