評論
打印
So now people say, "You take these happy pills, and do you feel happy?"
現在人們會問：你吃了這些快樂丸(指抗抑郁藥),你快樂么
And I don't.
不
But I don't feel sad about having to eat lunch,
但是我不會因為要吃飯而不開心
and I don't feel sad about my answering machine,
不會因為要回電話而不開心
and I don't feel sad about taking a shower.
不會因為要洗澡而感到不開心
I feel more, in fact, I think, because I can feel sadness without nullity.
事實上我覺得自己的感受比以前更多，因為我現在能夠體會到悲傷, 但是不會感到虛無
I feel sad about professional disappointments, about damaged relationships, about global warming.
我會因為工作上的不如意而悲傷，會因為破碎的愛情悲傷，會因為全球變暖而悲傷
Those are the things that I feel sad about now.
這些是我當下能夠體會到的悲傷
And I said to myself, well, what is the conclusion?
最后我問自己, "結論是什么呢?"
How did those people who have better lives even with bigger depression manage to get through?
為什么有些人的生活條件更好卻需要去戰勝更嚴重的抑郁?
What is the mechanism of resilience?
又為什么我們能夠康復?
And what I came up with over time was that the people who deny their experience,
我總是一次次地遇見抑郁之后的康復者不愿意接受這段經歷
the ones who say, "I was depressed a long time ago and I never want to think about it again
他們會說, "我很久之前抑郁過，我再也不想回憶那段時光了
and I'm not going to look at it and I'm just going to get on with my life,"
我也不會再去分析它，我只希望繼續自己當下的生活
Ironically, those are the people who are most enslaved by what they have.
諷刺的是，恰恰是這些人最容易被他們過往經歷的糾纏不放
Shutting out the depression strengthens it.
回避抑郁只會讓它更兇猛
While you hide from it, it grows.
你越躲，它越強
And the people who do better are the ones who are able to tolerate the fact
而另外一些人他們承認并接納自己有抑郁這個事實
that they have this condition.
他們表現得更好一些
Those who can tolerate their depression are the ones who achieve resilience.
能夠接納自己抑郁的人最終會康復起來
So Frank Russakoff said to me,
弗蘭克對我說
"If I had it again to do over, I suppose I wouldn't do it this way,
如果一切重新來過，那么我可能會換種處理方式
but in a strange way, I'm grateful for what I've experienced.
但是很奇怪地，我很感激我經歷過的一切
I'm glad to have been in the hospital 40 times.
我很高興住了40次醫院
It taught me so much about love,
這段經歷讓我深刻的理解了什么是愛
and my relationship with my parents and my doctors has been so precious to me, and will be always."
我的愛人，我的父母，以及我的醫生，這對我而言都是巨大的恩賜，過去是，將來也是.
And Maggie Robbins said,
瑪吉·羅賓斯說
"I used to volunteer in an AIDS clinic,
我在艾滋診所做過志愿者，
and I would just talk and talk and talk,
我跟自己負責的病人不斷的說話，
and the people I was dealing with weren't very responsive, and I thought,
但是他們的反應并不積極，然后我想
'That's not very friendly or helpful of them.'
'是不是對他們來說這樣不太友好，或不管用.'
And then I realized,
后來我意識到
I realized that they weren't going to do more than make those first few minutes of small talk.
我意識到在第一次見面的簡短聊天中，他們只要能夠坐在那里就好
It was simply going to be an occasion where I didn't have AIDS and I wasn't dying,
第一次的聊天實際上是一個機會，讓他們認識到雖然我沒有艾滋病，我沒有等待死亡，
but could tolerate the fact that they did and they were.
但是我能夠接受他們有艾滋病并不斷惡化的事實
Our needs are our greatest assets.
我們的需求是我們最寶貴的財富
It turns out I've learned to give all the things I need."
后來我學會了如何盡我所能(去幫助他人)
Valuing one's depression does not prevent a relapse,
正視抑郁的價值并不能保證不再復發
but it may make the prospect of relapse and even relapse itself easier to tolerate.
但是卻能改變看待抑郁復發的態度，甚至會減弱抑郁復發的程度
The question is not so much of finding great meaning and deciding your depression has been very meaningful.
我們要解決的問題，并不是要去找到偉大的意義和決策讓你的抑郁看起來意義非凡
It's of seeking that meaning and thinking, when it comes again,
而是要去尋找這樣的意義，能夠讓你思考，當抑郁卷土重來
"This will be hellish, but I will learn something from it."
"這會向下地獄般痛苦，但是我會受益良多
I have learned in my own depression how big an emotion can be,
我從自己的抑郁中看到情緒的作用能夠如此之大
how it can be more real than facts,
甚至能夠蓋過客觀存在
and I have found that that experience
而且我發現我的這段經歷
has allowed me to experience positive emotion in a more intense and more focused way.
讓我能夠更加強烈和專注的去感受和體會積極向上的情緒
The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality,
抑郁的反面不是快樂而是活力
and these days, my life is vital, even on the days when I'm sad.
現在這段時間，我的生活充滿活力，即便我有時會悲傷，也是如此
I felt that funeral in my brain,
我看到自己的腦海中也進行著一場葬禮
and I sat next to the colossus at the edge of the world,
我坐在世界的邊緣，挨著一個巨人
and I have discovered something inside of myself that I would have to call a soul
我發現身體里的一些東西，稱為靈魂的東西
that I had never formulated until that day 20 years ago when hell came to pay me a surprise visit.
在20年前尚未真正的成型，直到地獄的使者突然出現
I think that while I hated being depressed and would hate to be depressed again,
我想，雖然我很厭惡抑郁時候的狀態，也很厭惡抑郁舊病復發
I've found a way to love my depression.
我還是會尋到一種方法接受并愛抑郁的自己
I love it because it has forced me to find and cling to joy.
我愛它，因為它迫使我去尋找快樂并牢牢抓住
I love it because each day I decide, sometimes gamely,
我愛它，因為它讓我在生活中牢牢抓住讓我活下去的理由,
and sometimes against the moment's reason, to cleave to the reasons for living.
雖然有時候也會不那么理性，雖然偶爾也會游戲人生
And that, I think, is a highly privileged rapture.
而這， 我想，是非常值得高興和贊賞的事情.
Thank you.
謝謝大家
