評論
打印
The day I left home for the first time
我第一次離家到大學念書的那天
to go to university was a bright day brimming with hope and optimism.
感覺棒呆了，日子充滿希望
I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high,
我學業表現不錯，大家對我期望頗高
and I gleefully entered the student life of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft.
我也滿懷期待地投入大學生活，上課、參加派對,喝醉了偷交通路標.
Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,
當然,事情不能只看表面
and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer,
就某種程度而言，上課和偷交通路標這些活躍又不服輸的印象只是偽裝
albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one.
但掩飾得很好，足以瞞過任何人
Underneath, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure and fundamentally frightened
只是我內心其實不快樂而且不安，骨子里很害怕……
frightened of other people, of the future, of failure and of the emptiness that I felt was within me.
怕其他人、未來，怕失敗，還有內心的空虛感
But I was skilled at hiding it,
但我隱藏得很好!
and from the outside appeared to be someone with everything to hope for and aspire to.
外表看來就像是對一切都充滿期待與抱負
This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete that I even deceived myself,
甚么都不怕的想法是如此徹底，連我自己都信以為真
and as the first semester ended and the second began,
所以念完一學期；而新學期開始的時候
there was no way that anyone could have predicted what was just about to happen.
根本沒人能預料將要發生的事
I was leaving a seminar when it started,
當時已開始上課而我正要逃學
humming to myself, fumbling with my bag just as I'd done a hundred times before,
我邊哼歌邊收拾東西，動作一如往常熟練
when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe, "She is leaving the room."
這時傳來一個冷眼旁觀的聲音:"她要走了"
I looked around, and there was no one there,
我四下張望，但根本沒人
but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment was unmistakable.
那聲音聽來果斷清晰，不可能是我聽錯
Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home, and there it was again.
我太震驚了，連忘在階梯上的書都沒拿就沖回家，但那聲音又來了!
"She is opening the door."
"她正要開門"
This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.
就是這樣開始的。這個聲音在我耳邊響起
And the voice persisted, days and then weeks of it, on and on,
并且持續不斷，每天每星期地重復
narrating everything I did in the third person.
以旁觀者的語氣敘述我作的事
"She is going to the library."
"她要上圖館了"
"She is going to a lecture."
"她要去上課了"
It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while, strangely companionate and reassuring,
這聲音起初毫無感情，但一段時間后卻令人莫名熟悉與安慰
although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion.
但我的確發現，這表面平靜的語調有時也會不經意地泄漏我隱藏的情緒
So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it,
就拿我常需要壓抑憤怒這事來說吧!
which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt,
隱藏情緒這事我很在行的
then the voice would sound frustrated.
不過那聲音就會因此聽起來很氣餒
Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing,
但其他時候，聽來還不致令人不安
although even at that point it was clear that it had something to communicate to me
盡管這聲音當時很明顯地有事要對我說
about my emotions, particularly emotions which were remote and inaccessible.
尤其是我的情緒始終深藏不露的這件事
Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,
就在那時我犯了一個大錯
in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified.
我把聽到聲音的說給一位朋友聽，她嚇壞了!
A subtle conditioning process had begun,
她開始不著痕跡地導正我
the implication that normal people don't hear voices
暗示幻聽不是正常現象
and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.
而且我自己也覺得很不對勁
Such fear and mistrust was infectious.
這樣的恐懼和疑慮是會傳染的
Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore,
忽然那聲音聽來不再那么友善
and when she insisted that I seek medical attention,
當她堅持我必須去看醫生
I duly complied, and which proved to be mistake number two.
我順從地照做，但事后證明又錯了!
I spent some time telling the college G.P. about what I perceived to be the real problem:
之后我找校醫談，說出我擔憂的問題
anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,
像是焦慮、沒自信和對未來恐懼
and was met with bored indifference until I mentioned the voice,
但對方沒什么興趣，也不在乎，但當我一提到，聽見有人說話這件事
upon which he dropped his pen, swung round and began to question me with a show of real interest.
他立刻放下手中的筆，轉過頭來開始很關心地問了一些問題
And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,
平心而論，我當時非常渴望關切和幫助
and I began to tell him about my strange commentator.
所以我就把有一位"評論員"的事說出來了
And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said, "She is digging her own grave."
我深信當時那聲音會說："她在自掘墳墓"
