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Anyway, it's amazing how time flies.
不管怎樣，時間過的很神奇。
Soon, the first presidential contest will take place, and I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.
很快，第一輪總統競選將開始，我迫不及待地想看看誰科赫兄弟的選擇。
It's exciting.
這真令人興奮。
Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, who will finally get that red rose?
馬克羅·魯比奧，蘭德·保羅，泰德·克魯茲，杰布·布什，斯科特·沃克，誰將最終得到紅玫瑰呢？
The winner gets a billion dollar war chest.
獲勝者將贏得十億美元的戰爭基金。
The runner-up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of "The Bachelor."
亞軍獲得《單身漢》下賽季的單身漢資格。
I mean seriously, a billion dollars from just two guys.
我是認真的，僅出自兩個人的十億美元。
Is it just me, or does that feel a little excessive?
只有我覺得有點過了么？
I mean, it's almost insulting to the candidates.
我的意思是，它幾乎是在侮辱候選人。
The Koch brothers think they think to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people.
科赫兄弟認為他們得花十億美元才能讓人們喜歡這些人之一。
It's got to hurt their feelings a little bit.
這有點兒傷感情了。
And, look, I know I've raised a lot of money too, but in all fairness, my middle name is Hussein.
看，我知道我也籌集了大量的資金，但平心而論，我的中間名是侯賽因。
What's their excuse?
他們有啥借口？
The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow Democrats either.
這條路對我的民主黨同伴來說也同樣不容易。
As we all know Hillary's private e-mails got her in trouble.
我們都知道希拉里的私人郵件給她帶來了麻煩。
Frankly, I thought it was going to be her private Instagram account that was going to cause her bigger problems.
坦白說，我覺得她私人Instagram賬戶將導致更大的問題。
Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle.
希拉里不知情的在Chipotle拉開了序幕。
Not to be outdone, Martin O' Malley went completely unrecognized as a Martin O' Malley campaign event.
不甘示弱地，馬丁·馬利在馬丁·馬利競選活動中就完全未被認出。
And Bernie Sanders might run.
伯尼·桑德斯也可能競選。
I like Bernie.
我喜歡伯尼。
Bernie's an interesting guy.
伯尼是個有趣的家伙。
Apparently, some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House.
顯然，有些人非常想看到實際的社會主義者在白宮抽大煙。
We could get a third Obama term after all.
畢竟咱們可以來一個奧巴馬第三屆任期。
It could happen.
這可能發生。
Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note.
總之，我想像往常一樣來一個嚴肅點兒的結尾。
You know, I often joke about tensions between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn't bother me.
我經常調侃媒體和我之間的緊張關系，但說實話，他們說的話根本對我造不成困擾。
I understand we've got an adversarial system.
我理解我們有一個敵對的系統。
I'm a mellow sort of guy.
我是個本性醇厚的人。
And that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight.
所以我請了我的憤怒翻譯官盧瑟，今晚來陪伴我
