評論
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and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap
如果你想像一下，有個小孩坐在你大腿上
and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,
他舒服地坐在那里，既安全又舒適
and at some point all of us need to go out into the world
而在某種程度上，我們每個人都需要走出去
to discover and to explore.
去發現、去探索.
That's the beginning of desire,
這就是性欲的來源,
that exploratory needs curiosity, discovery.
探索需要好奇心和發現。
And then at some point they turn around and they look at you,
然后，在某時，他們會轉過身來問看著你，
and if you tell them,
如果你對他們說：
"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it.
“嘿，老兄，這個世界太美妙了，去享受它吧”
There's so much fun out there,"
那兒有太多樂趣了。
then they can turn away and they can experience
然后他們會去探索，同時去體驗
connection and separateness at the same time.
團聚和分離。
They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,
他們會開動想象力和調動他們的身體
off in their playfulness, all the while knowing
動起嬉鬧的念想，想著
that there's somebody when they come back.
回至家時愛人在等待。
But if on this side there is somebody who says,
但也有人會說：
"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.
我很擔心、我很焦慮、我感到無比壓抑
My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.
我和愛人很久都不理不睬了。
What's so good out there? Don't we have everything
那里有什么好呢？我們兩人在一起不就什么都有了嗎？
you need together, you and I?"
就你和我？
then there are a few little reactions
這就會引起一引起小反應
that all of us can pretty much recognize.
我們很多人都能識別
Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago,
我們有些人會回到從前，很久很久以前
and that little child who comes back
那些想要回到從前的小孩
is the child who will forgo a part of himself
就是那些想放棄部分自我的小孩
in order not to lose the other.
為了不失去對方
I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.
要想不失去愛，我就得失去自由
And I will learn to love in a certain way
而我又得學會用某種方式去愛
that will become burdened with extra worry
這會導致我們過度擔心、
and extra responsibility and extra protection,
過大的責任和過度的保護而不堪重負
and I won't know how to leave you
而我又不知道怎么放手
in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,
讓你去享受、去體驗快感，
in order to discover, to enter inside myself.
讓你去發現，去進入我的內心世界
Translate this into adult language.
這要用成年人的語言來理解。
It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives
性欲從我們很小時候就有，它會陪我們進入我們的性生活期
up to the end.
直至我們老死。
Child number two comes back
第二個孩子回來
but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.
但伏在他們的肩上。
"Are you going to be there?
你快到了嗎？
Are you going to curse me? Are you going to scold me?
你會詛罵我嗎？你會責備我嗎？
Are you going to be angry with me?"
你會生我的氣嗎？
And they may be gone, but they're never really away,
這些或許都不見了，但他們永遠都不會遠離，
and those are often the people that will tell you,
這些就是人們常會和你說的
in the beginning it was super hot.
開始時會很狂熱。
Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy
因為剛開始時，親密感
wasn't yet so strong
還沒有這么強烈
that it actually led to the decrease of desire.
而恰恰是親密會削弱性欲。
The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,
聯系越緊密，覺得責任越大
the less I was able to let go in your presence.
越不會放手讓你走
The third child doesn't really come back.
第三個孩子不會真正的回來
So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,
那會怎樣？如果你想保持性欲
it's that real dialectic piece.
這是一種真正的辯證法。
On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.
一方面，為了享受性愛，你需要安全感。
On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,
另一方面，如果你沒有性愛，你不會享受到快感，
you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,
不會有性亢奮，不會有高潮
you don't get excited because you spend your time
你不會興奮，因為你花太多的時間在別人的身體上
in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.
或心理上，而忽略了自己的身體和想法。
So in this dilemma about reconciling
因此，在妥協的兩難中，
these two sets of fundamental needs,
這兩種基本的需要，
there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.
讓我解理了性福夫婦的一些做法。
One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.
首先，他們有很多性癮私。
They understand that there is an erotic space
他們明白各人都應該有
that belongs to each of them.
各自的空間。
They also understand that foreplay is not something you do
他們也清楚前戲并不是
five minutes before the real thing.
你在性交前5分鐘所做的事。
Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.
前戲應該從你上一次高潮結束之后就開始了。
They also understand that an erotic space
他們同時也明白，性愛空間并不是
isn't about, you begin to stroke the other.
你開始撫摸對方
It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,
性愛是指你開設一個空間，就象經營一間大公司一樣
maybe where you leave the agile program,
在那里有你靈活的管理計劃。
and you actually just enter that place
而你實際上只進入那個地方
where you stop being the good citizen
然后像個好市民一樣停下來
who is taking care of things and being responsible.
誰來處理這些問題，誰來為這負責任。
Responsibility and desire just butt heads.
責任和性欲倆都只能硬碰硬
They don't really do well together.
他們不會合作。
Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.
有性福的夫婦也明白，激情會慢慢退化。
It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses.
性欲這東西就很像月亮一樣有陰晴圓缺。
But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.
但是，他們知道怎么恢復它。
They know how to bring it back,
他們知道怎么樣讓它再美滿起來。
and they know how to bring it back
他們能這樣做是
because they have demystified one big myth,
因為他們打破了一個神話
which is the myth of spontaneity, which is
那個自然說的神話，
that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry
性欲可能會在你的折疊衣物時突然出現
like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood
就像從天而降一樣，豪無征兆，而事實上，他們明白
that whatever is going to just happen
無論發生什么
in a long-term relationship already has.
在一個長期的關系中
Committed sex is premeditated sex.
有承諾的性愛是有預謀的性愛
It's willful. It's intentional.
是自愿的、你情我愿的
It's focus and presence.
是投入的和確實存在的
Merry Valentine's.
情人節快樂
