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In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.
在愛情中，我們想要擁有，我們想要了解我們的愛人
We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap.
我們想膩在一起，想跨越阻礙
We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness.
我們想調和不安的情緒，我們想親密無間。
But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.
而在性欲方面，我們不想回到我們已經經歷過的地方。
Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.
過時的結論提不起我們的興趣。
In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit,
在性欲方面，我們想找的是我們的另一半，一個在彼岸,一個我們想去探索的另一半。
that we can go spend some time with,
一個我們想呆在一起的另一半
that we can go see what goes on in their red light district.
和一個我們能探索其癮秘的內心世界的另一半
In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
在性欲中，我們想找的是一座溝通的橋梁。
Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.
換言之，“一個巴掌拍不響啊”
Desire needs space.
性欲也需要空間。
And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.
這樣說或許有點抽象吧。
But then I took a question with me.
帶著一個問題
And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years
幾年間我帶著"Mating in Captivity" 這本書走訪了20多個國家
with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,
每到一處，我都會問人們:
when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?
"你什么時候最喜歡和愛人呆在一起？"
Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn.
我說的是呆在一起而不是一起性愛
And across culture, across religion, and across gender --
來自不同文化、不同地區、不同性別的人
except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back.
除一個有點例外，其它人給我的回答不外如是
So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner
第一組：最想和愛人在一起的時候
when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite.
是愛人不在身邊的時候、是分開的時候或是小別重逢時。
Basically, when I get back in touch
也就是，當我能用我的想象力
with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,
想像我和愛人在一起的時候，
when my imagination comes back in the picture,
當我的想像力能回到這方面來的時候，
and when I can root it in absence and in longing,
當愛人不在而我又想要的時候
which is a major component of desire.
這就是性欲的主要組成部分
But then the second group is even more interesting:
然而，另一組回答更有趣。
I am most drawn to my partner
我最想和愛人在一起的時候
when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage,
是當我看到他在錄影棚工作、在舞臺上表演的時候、
when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about,
當他在做正經事的時候、當他在做她感興趣的事情的時候，
when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,
當我看到他在party上謎倒一大堆人的時候
when I see her hold court.
當她開庭的時候。
Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident,
一般而言，當我看到我的愛人光芒四射而又自信的時候
probably the biggest turn-on across the board.
這就是最大的刺激物了。
Radiant, as in self-sustaining.
光芒四射，在自我維系中也如此。
I look at this person -- by the way, in desire
在欲望中，我看這個人
people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,
人們很少談論這些, 當我們粘在一起的時候
five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is.
也就是相隔5厘米左右的時候---說實在的我不知道是幾厘米
But it's also not when the other person is that far apart
但是,這種分別并不是說相隔太遠
that you no longer see them.
以至于以后都不能相見。
It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,
而是我能在一個比較合適的距離看著我愛的人
where this person that is already so familiar, so known,
那個我熟悉和相知的，
is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.
還帶有點神秘,有點難以捉摸的人。
And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic elan,
我和愛人之間的距離成了一條性欲的紐帶
lies that movement toward the other.
也造成了我們的相互走動
Because sometimes, as Proust says,
因為有時候，正如Proust說的那樣
mystery is not about traveling to new places,
發現奧秘不一定要到一個新的地方去，
but it's about looking with new eyes.
而只要我們有新視角就行。
And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,
所以，當我們看到我們的另一半獨自
doing something in which they are enveloped,
在忙自己的事的時候。
I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,
看著他我會對他有一種新的了解和認識，
and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.
而我對我身過的一些奧秘是常懷著關注之情的。
And then, more importantly, in this description about the other
更重要的是，對別人的了解
or myself -- it's the same -- what is most interesting
或者對自己的了解, 都一樣.
is that there is no neediness in desire.
最有趣的是，這不需要性欲。
Nobody needs anybody.
沒有誰需要誰。
There is no caretaking in desire.
性欲不存在誰照顧誰的問題。
Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
照顧是一種了不起的大愛，是一種強大的崔情藥
I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on
我還看到一些人的性欲
by somebody who needs them.
是被那些需要他們的人喚起的
Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown,
想要是一回事，但需要會令人性趣索然
and women have known that forever,
這點女人最清楚了，
because anything that will bring up parenthood
因為任何母性有關的東西
will usually decrease the erotic charge.
都會降低性欲。
For good reasons, right?
很有道理，是不是?
And then the third group of answers usually would be
第三類回答是:
when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,
當我感到驚喜時，當我們一起大笑時會性趣大發，
as somebody said to me in the office today,
比如說，今天有人在我的辦公室告訴我，
when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,
當他穿著無尾半正式晚禮服時最有感覺了
it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.
其實性欲與晚禮服或牛仔靴無關
But basically it's when there is novelty.
而是與獵奇有關。
But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques.
但新奇并不只意味著新的體位，也不是五花八門的性愛技巧
Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?
新奇是,你將自已的哪一面展現出來？
What parts of you are just being seen?
你的哪一面你的愛人熟悉？
Because in some way one could say
因為在某種程度上，我們會說
sex isn't something you do, eh?
性交并不專指性交活動，對吧?
Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter
性交過程其實像你在去一個地方
inside yourself and with another, or others.
是一個進入自己或對方體內的過程。
So where do you go in sex?
因此，性交時何去何從？
What parts of you do you connect to?
你們身體的哪一部分有接觸?
What do you seek to express there?
你們想在那里表達些什么？
Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?
那是一個表現性愛技巧和精神合一的地方嗎？
Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?
那是一個俏皮掏蛋的地方呢還是一個略帶點侵略性質的地方呢？
Is it a place where you can finally surrender
還是一個你最后放棄
and not have to take responsibility for everything?
不想負責任的地方呢?
Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?
它是不是一個你可以表達你孩子氣的地方呢？
What comes out there? It's a language.
性愛到底是什么？其實性交是一種語言。
It isn't just a behavior.
不是一種行為。
And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,
而我，正是對這一充滿詩意的性交語言感興趣
which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.
這就是為什么我要探討"性商"這一概念。
You know, animals have sex.
要知道，動物也性交。
It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.
而動物的性交是傳宗接代的，是生物的，是一種自然的天性。
