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I don't remember when I first became aware that my dad wasn't like other fathers. I saw him on screen but at home he was a regular guy: he read the newspaper, watched sports, was someone I wanted to impress.
我不記得我是什么時(shí)候開始意識(shí)到我的父親和其他父親不一樣的。我在屏幕上看到他，但在家里他是一個(gè)普通人：他讀報(bào)紙，看體育比賽，是我想給他留下深刻印象的人。
Sometimes he let me smoke cigarettes around the house; other times, he'd remind me, "I'm your father, not your friend." He was away working for months at a time.
有時(shí)他讓我在家里抽煙；其他時(shí)候，他會(huì)提醒我，“我是你的父親，不是你的朋友?！彼淮纬鋈スぷ鲙讉€(gè)月。
Mostly it was just me and Mom, who was 19 when she married Dad and 20 when she had me. She liked to say we grew up together; I saw myself as her rescuing knight.
大多數(shù)時(shí)候只有我和媽媽，媽媽嫁給爸爸時(shí)19歲，生下我時(shí)20歲。她喜歡說(shuō)我們是一起長(zhǎng)大的；我把自己看作是她的救星。
From a young age, I was more mischievous than the average kid. Once, my friend Sean and I called a sex hotline and racked up a $400 phone bill.
從很小的時(shí)候，我就比一般的孩子更淘氣。有一次，我和我的朋友肖恩撥打了一條性熱線，話費(fèi)高達(dá)400美元。
When my parents had parties, I'd creep around and take it all in: beautiful grown-ups doing the things that beautiful grown-ups living lives of excess do.
當(dāng)我的父母舉辦聚會(huì)時(shí)，我會(huì)悄悄溜進(jìn)去，把一切都看在眼里：漂亮的成年人做著生活奢侈的漂亮成年人所做的事情。
By the time I was 13, I was buying weed in Central Park and experimenting with mushrooms and acid.
在我13歲的時(shí)候，我在中央公園買了大麻，用蘑菇和酸做實(shí)驗(yàn)。
As my parents' marriage fell apart, I bounced between schools, then to a hardcore wilderness program, and eventually in and out of juvenile detention facilities.
隨著父母婚姻的破裂，我輾轉(zhuǎn)于學(xué)校之間，然后參加了一個(gè)核心的野外活動(dòng)，最后進(jìn)了少年拘留所又出來(lái)。
For a while, I became a ward of the state of California. It's sad to think back on, but when my parents told me they were getting divorced, I actually welcomed it.
有一段時(shí)間，我成了加利福尼亞州的一名受監(jiān)護(hù)人。回想起來(lái)很難過，但是當(dāng)我父母告訴我他們要離婚的時(shí)候，我真的很高興。
I loved them both, but mainly they weren't happy. I wondered if it was normal that I was so relieved. Now I think that I was sitting on a lot of unacknowledged rage.
我愛他們兩個(gè)，但主要是他們不快樂。我想知道我如釋重負(fù)是否正?！，F(xiàn)在我想我有很多未被承認(rèn)的憤怒。
At 17, I had my first experience with heroin. I threw up, but still felt warm all over, relaxed and content. The ups and downs of drug addiction are entirely predictable.
17歲時(shí)，我第一次接觸海洛因。我吐了，但仍然覺得渾身溫暖，輕松而滿足。毒癮的起伏是完全可以預(yù)測(cè)的。
There's a comfort in that. And I like the instant gratification. I want to do what I want to do right now. The only thing I know of in life that can do that is drugs.
這是一種安慰。我喜歡即時(shí)的滿足。我現(xiàn)在就想做我想做的事。據(jù)我所知，在生活中唯一能做到這一點(diǎn)的就是毒品。
They were, for me, a path out of loneliness. One day, over my girlfriend's objections, I ask my dealer if he can get me an ounce of good crystal. I explain why.
對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，它們是走出孤獨(dú)的途徑。一天，我不顧女友的反對(duì)，問我的經(jīng)銷商能否給我一盎司好的水晶。我解釋為什么。
I'm going to deal to support my habit. So I'm doing it. I'm crossing the line I wasn't going to cross. I consider what that means. I know this isn't going to end well.
我要去處理支持我的習(xí)慣。我正在做。我正在越過我不打算越過的那條線。我認(rèn)為這意味著什么。我知道這事不會(huì)有好結(jié)果的。
I decide that I should have better guns for protection. I go to a shop in Burbank and buy a Glock 17, a Special Forces-style Desert Eagle handgun, and a Mossberg shotgun with a pistol grip.
我決定我應(yīng)該有更好的槍來(lái)保護(hù)自己。我去了伯班克的一家商店，買了一把格洛克17型手槍，一把特種部隊(duì)風(fēng)格的沙漠鷹手槍，還有一把握把式莫斯堡獵槍。
I keep the Mossberg, loaded with six 12-gauge shells, under my bed, within easy reach if I'm ever attacked while sleeping.
我把裝有六枚12口徑炮彈的“莫博士”放在床下，這樣在我睡覺時(shí)受到攻擊時(shí)就能輕易拿到。
If someone comes for me, I'll get behind the bed and start firing. As I spiral into addiction and dealing, my relationships with my parents alternate between closeness and estrangement.
如果有人來(lái)找我，我就躲到床后面開槍。當(dāng)我陷入上癮和交易的漩渦時(shí)，我和父母的關(guān)系在親密和疏遠(yuǎn)之間交替。
Mom calls and leaves voice mails I don't respond to for months.
媽媽的電話和語(yǔ)音留言我?guī)讉€(gè)月都沒有回復(fù)。
