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And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
然后你滿腦子都想著那一點成長的空間，不是么。
Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.
這也是我研究的一個方面，因為當你跟人們談論愛情，他們告訴你的是一件讓他們心碎的事。
When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.
當你跟人們談論歸屬感，他們告訴你的是最讓他們痛心的被排斥的經歷。
And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.
當你跟人們談論關系，他們跟我講的是如何被斷絕關系的故事。
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
所以很快的--在大約開始研究這個課題6周以后--
I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
我遇到了這個前所未聞的東西，它揭示了關系，以一種我不理解也從沒見過的方式。
And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
所以我暫停了原先的研究計劃，對自己說，我得弄清楚這到底是什么。
And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:
它最終被鑒定為恥辱感。恥辱感很容易理解，即害怕被斷絕關系。
Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?
有沒有一些關于我的事，如果別人知道了或看到了，會認為我不值得交往。
The things I can tell you about it: It's universal; we all have it.
我要告訴你們的是：這種現象很普遍；我們都會有（這種想法）。
The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
沒有體驗過恥辱的人，不具有人類的同情或關系。
No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.
沒人想談論自己的糗事，你談論的越少，你越感到可恥。
What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which, we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough.
滋生恥辱感的是一種“我不夠好."的心態--我們都知道這是個什么滋味：“我不夠什么。
I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough."
我不夠苗條，不夠有錢，不夠漂亮，不夠聰明，職位不夠高。”
The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.
而支撐這種心態的是一種刻骨銘心的脆弱，
This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
關鍵在于要想產生關系，我們必須讓自己被看見，真真切切地被看見。
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。
And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.
所以我思考著，這次是輪到我用我的標尺擊潰它的時候了。
I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year,
我要闖進去，把它弄清楚，我要花一年的時間，
I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it.
徹底瓦解恥辱，我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么運作的，然后我要智取勝過它。
So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
所以我準備好了，非常興奮。跟你預計的一樣，事與愿違。
