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But each time, they were gnawing at me, eating at me.
但每當我想到這兩起病例，那種感覺都會折磨啃噬我。
And I'd like to be able to say to you that my worst mistakes only happened in the first five years of practice as many of my colleagues say, which is total B.S.
而我也希望我可以告訴你，我造成的最嚴重的錯誤只發生在了我開始行醫的前五年，像我眾多的同事所稱一般。但這完全是扯淡。
Some of my doozies have been in the last five years.
在最近的五年中，我也犯了一些錯誤。
Alone, ashamed and unsupported.
我依然覺得孤獨，羞愧，無助。
Here's the problem: If I can't come clean and talk about my mistakes,
但問題的癥結是：如果我不能理清和談論我所犯過的錯誤，
if I can't find the still-small voice that tells me what really happened, how can I share it with my colleagues?
如果我無法找到那可以告訴我錯誤的源頭的那仍然微小的聲音，我又如何能和我的同事分享我的經驗？
How can I teach them about what I did so that they don't do the same thing?
我又如何教導他們，讓他們不再重蹈我的覆轍？
If I were to walk into a room -- like right now, I have no idea what you think of me.
當我走入一個場合時 -- 就像現在，我完全不知道各位如何看待我。
When was the last time you heard somebody talk about failure after failure after failure?
你們上一次聽到別人談論自己一次又一次的失敗是什么時候的事情？
Oh yeah, you go to a cocktail party and you might hear about some other doctor, but you're not going to hear somebody talking about their own mistakes.
是的，如果你們去參加一場聚會，你或許會聽到某些關于其他醫生的錯誤的閑聊， 但你不會聽到有人 談論自己所犯的錯誤。
If I were to walk into a room filled with my colleages and ask for their support right now and start to tell what I've just told you right now,
如果我現在走入一間坐滿我的同事的房間，向他們尋求幫助并開始和他們說我剛才告訴各位的事情，
I probably wouldn't get through two of those stories before they would start to get really uncomfortable,
或許在我還沒講超過兩個故事之前，他們就會開始感到非常的不自在。
somebody would crack a joke, they'd change the subject and we would move on.
有人就會講個笑話，然后他們會改變話題。
And in fact, if I knew and my colleagues knew that one of my orthopedic colleagues took off the wrong leg in my hospital,
事實上，如果我，或者我的同事，知道醫院中一位骨科的同事幫病人截錯了腿，
believe me, I'd have trouble making eye contact with that person.
相信我，當我遇到他時，我也無法與他有正常眼神的交匯。
That's the system that we have.
這就是我們所擁有的體系.
It's a complete denial of mistakes.
一個完完全全的否定錯誤的體系。
