評論
打印
For years, I had resisted medication, making many, many efforts to get off.
這些年來，我一直反對用藥，為此會付出一切。
I felt that if I could manage without medication,
我感覺到我不服用藥物也可以保持
I could prove that, after all, I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.
我想要證明，畢竟我精神上沒問題，只不過是診斷上犯得錯誤而已
My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.
我的理念是服藥越少,瑕疵就越少
My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me just to stay on medication and get on with my life,
我的分析師Kaplan博士,當時勸我堅持服藥并且就這樣生活下去
but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.
但是我決定我想要最最后一次嘗試
Quoting from the text:
從文中引用:
"I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time I began feeling the effects.
"我開始減少我的用藥量,而在短時間之內，我就感覺到了一些變化
After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into Kaplan's office,
在從牛津旅行回來后,我沖進了Kaplan的辦公室,
headed straight for the corner, crouched down, covered my face, and began shaking.
沖向角落,蹲了下來，捂住我的臉,開始顫抖
All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.
在我周圍我感覺到了拿了匕首的惡魔
They'd slice me up in thin slices or make me swallow hot coals.
他們把我切成了碎片，或者讓我吞下滾燙的煤球
Kaplan would later describe me as 'writhing in agony.'
Kaplan后來把我當時情景描述為"在撕心裂肺的痛苦中蠕動"
Even in this state, what he accurately described as acutely and forwardly psychotic,
即使在這個狀態下,他準確地描述為急性神經病
I refused to take more medication.
我拒絕服用更多的藥物
The mission is not yet complete.
因為任務還沒有完成
Immediately after the appointment with Kaplan,
在與Kaplan的面會結束后,
I went to see Dr. Marder, a schizophrenia expert who was following me for medication side effects.
我去看了Marder醫生,一位精神分裂癥專家，他是負責觀察我用藥的副作用的
He was under the impression that I had a mild psychotic illness.
他覺得我可能有一定程度上的精神分裂
Once in his office, I sat on his couch, folded over, and began muttering.
一次在他的辦公室,我坐在沙發上,蜷縮起來,然后開始喃喃自語
'Head explosions and people trying to kill.
"頭破血流,人們試圖殺戮,
Is it okay if I totally trash your office?'
我能不能把你的辦公室徹底當垃圾處理?"
'You need to leave if you think you're going to do that,' said Marder.
"如果你那么想的話,你需要現在離開." Marder說
'Okay. Small. Fire on ice. Tell them not to kill me. "
好吧.小一點.在冰上的火.告訴他們不要殺我.
Tell them not to kill me. What have I done wrong?
告訴他們不要殺我.我做錯什么了?
Hundreds of thousands with thoughts, interdiction.'
成百上千個想法被封鎖
Elyn, do you feel like you're dangerous to yourself or others?
Elyn,你是不是覺得你對自己或他人很危險?
I think you need to be in the hospital.
我認為你應該待在醫院里
I could get you admitted right away, and the whole thing could be very discrete.'
我可以現在就讓你被容納進來,整個事情會變得十分分散."
'Ha, ha, ha. You're offering to put me in hospitals?
哈哈哈,你想把我放在醫院里?
Hospitals are bad, they're mad, they're sad.
醫院是不好的,它們都瘋了,它們都十分難過
One must stay away. I'm God, or I used to be.'
任何一個人都得遠離醫院.我就是上帝,或者我以前是.
At that point in the text, where I said "I'm God, or I used to be,"
在那個情況下,當我說"我是上帝,或者我以前是"的時候,
my husband made a marginal note.
我的丈夫在邊上記了一筆
He said, "Did you quit or were you fired?"
他問:"那你是退出了還是被開除了?"
"'I give life and I take it away.
"我創造生命然后我拿走他們,
Forgive me, for I know not what I do.'
原諒我吧,因為我不知道該做什么."
Eventually, I broke down in front of friends, and everybody convinced me to take more medication.
最后,我在朋友面前倒塌了,然后每個人都想說服我去繼續服用藥物
I could no longer deny the truth, and I could not change it.
我再也不能否定事實了,而且我無法改變這樣一個事實
The wall that kept me, Elyn, Professor Saks,
那堵隔離我,Elyn還有Saks教授的墻
separate from that insane woman hospitalized years past, lay smashed and in ruins."
與那個瘋女人住院的年頭所隔離，在廢墟中倒塌."
