Dear Kitten, you've probably noticed that there's a new "thing" in the house. It is called "a dog." And I know this because before you, I had a best friend named Peanut. Rest in peace. At first I assumed Peanut was just a very ugly cat, charming in his own way, but terrible breath. Awful. So kitten, here are some things that you need to know.
親愛的小貓，你大概已經發現這房子里有一個新來的“東西”。 它叫做“一只狗”。而我會知道這事，是因為在你之前，我有一個最要好的朋友叫花生。愿它安息。起初我以為花生只是一只非常丑的貓，以它特有的方式吸引人，但有可怕的口臭。糟透了。所以小貓，這里有幾件你必須得知道的事。
Dear Kitten, imagine a cat. Now take away independence, cleanliness, and intelligence. What you have left is basically a dog. Here's an example. Yesterday, I saw the dog sitting on his butt scooching forward with his front paws. And he looked over at me, and you know what he said? He said, "Check it out. I'm walking on two legs, just like the peoples do." I mean, that gives you an idea what we're dealing with here.
親愛的小貓，想像一只貓。 現在拿掉獨立、干凈、以及智慧。你剩下來的那些特質基本上就是一只狗。這里有個例子。在昨天，我看到那狗屁股坐著用它的前掌蠕動前進。然后它看向我，你知道它說了什么嗎？它說：“你看。我用兩只腿在走路，就像人一樣耶(注一)。”我的意思是，那給了你一些概念了解我們現在是在和什么打交道。
Dear Kitten, you might see me get a little "Ninja Crazy Town" now and then, you know, like a woo-cha...woo...Don't get freaked out. I'm just expressing dominance, which is—oh my...no. You are not good at that. That was actually worse. It looked like your spine just sneezed. No, boy.
親愛的小貓，你可能偶爾會看到我變得有一點點“瘋狂忍者鎮”，你知道，像是哇喳...喔嗚...不要嚇傻。我只是在宣示主權而已，也就是－－喔我的天...不。你不擅長那樣做。那樣其實還更糟。那看起來像你的脊椎剛打了個噴嚏似的。不，小伙子。
Dear Kitten, you might hear the phrase "a dog is a man's best friend." That is, frankly, incredible marketing on their part. I don't know how they did it. They're certainly not buying ads in the newspaper. I mean, have you seen what they do with newspapers? Trust me, it's the opposite of reading, if you know what I mean. I mean, they poop on them.
親愛的小貓，你可能聽過一種說法“狗是人類最好的朋友”。那真是，坦白講，就它們來說真是令人無法置信的行銷手法。我不曉得它們怎么做到的。它們肯定沒在買報紙上的廣告啊。我是說，你曾見過它們拿報紙來做什么嗎？相信我，那是和閱讀截然相反的事，如果你懂我意思的話。我是指，它們在報紙上便便。
Dear Kitten, the dog is the sort of creature that will decide whether it should put something in its mouth by putting it in its mouth. That's the level of decision-making that goes on. They basically eat everything, case in point, butt paper. They even eat those weird, brown, dehydrated, pip nuggets that the humans give us. Don't get mad. Let the dog eat all of our dried food. If it gets caught, it gets put in jail, and right then we can enjoy the moist deliciousness of the can without interruption. It's a gambit.
親愛的小貓，狗是那一種會把東西放到它嘴里來決定它應不應該把某樣東西放進它嘴里的生物。那就是它進行決策的水準。它們基本上什么都吃，最佳的例子，就是擦屁股的紙。它們甚至吃人類給我們的那些古怪、褐色、脫水、一粒粒的食物塊。不要生氣。讓狗吃掉我們所有干糧。如果它被抓包，它就會被關進監獄，然后到時我們就可以不受打擾地享用罐頭里多汁的美味。這是種策略。
Dear Kitten, you may hear the dog being referred to as a "puppy," which I think is some sort of a French way of saying "puppet." This explains why they attach that string to him from time to time—worst marionette ever, if you ask me. But the point is that if they try to put that string on you, just freeze. You don't want to get into show business, trust me.
親愛的小貓，你可能聽過那狗被叫成一只“小狗狗”，我想那是某種用法語講“布偶”的方式。這解釋為什么人們有時裝那條繩子在它身上－－我會說它是史上最糟的傀儡娃娃，如果你問我的話。但重點是，如果他們試著把那條繩子放你身上的話，就靜止不動。你可不想從事演藝事業，相信我。
Dear Kitten, yes, the dog can be cuddly at times. I mean, just today it came over and it started licking me inside of my ears. Was it weird? Yes. But also rather pleasant. Don't judge. When they get happy, stay to the front, because their tails become some sort of a weird, psycho, furious sword. And I've seen them take the legs right out from under a baby.
親愛的小貓，是的，狗有時是滿逗人喜愛的。我是說，今天它才靠過來然后它開始舔我耳朵里面。那奇怪嗎？怪。但也滿舒服的。不淮評論。當它們高興起來，待在它的正面，因為它們的尾巴會變成某一種奇怪、神經病、瘋狂的毛茸茸劍。而且我還看過它們的尾巴攻擊一個寶寶的腿害他跌倒。
Dear Kitten, our lives just got a bit more difficult, and alone time will be harder to find. But at least we can rest assured that the humans won't get too lonely during our naps. And perhaps that is enough. Weeha! That's right, doggy. Bow down.
親愛的小貓，我們的生活剛變得困難了些，而且獨處的時光會更難找到。但至少我們可以放心人類不會在我們午睡時覺得太孤單。而或許那就夠了。咿哈!沒錯，小狗狗。鞠躬吧。
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