Mike: Today something terrible has happened. My mum and best friend have yellow eyes and
they're drinking down their pants.
Policeman: Wait a minute. I find this a little hard to believe. Your mother wears pants?
Policeman: What flying saucer?
Mike: Wait a minute. This all started with that flying saucer. Maybe they have invaded. Maybe
the aliens have taken over my mum and my best friend.
Policeman: Take it easy kid. If you keep on talking crazy like this, I'm going to have to shoot
you and plant a weapon. It's an old cop joke.

Mike: Look, you don't get it. We're talking about flying stinking saucers here. We're talking
about those nearest and dearest to me.
Policeman: Coffee.
Mike: What are you talking about? I'm pouring out my soul to you.
Policeman: Cream and sugar?
Mike: What is it with you guys and coffee?
Policeman 2: hey tute. Verono. Mickto.
Mike: Officer, it's one of them.
Policeman: That hits the spot.
Mike: Ahhh!
Policeman: Call head quarters.
Mike: Jesus Christ.
Kid; I hate stinking fruit.
Mike: Kids. Look I need your help. Space men are invading out neighborhood.
Kid: Hey tito nickto.
Mike: (in his head) I didn't know where to turn. And then I thought of pop. He always knew
what to do. And best of all, he only drank decaf.
Kids: get him, get him!
Jason: If there's no objection to the report, from the committee on committees, commence for
the adoption as read, so ordered, so done.
Mike: Pop, pop. We got to get out of here before they get us.
Jason: Who?
Mike: Them.
Jason: Jason, you're interrupting a very important meeting here, for the committee on male
bonding.
Mike: Well aliens from out of space have invaded peoples bodies and they've got mum.
Jason: O psssh lad. Your mum's on her way to Buffalo.
Mike: No she's not. She threw away here plane ticket and said that money doesn't matter.
Jason: That's not your mother.
Mike: Exactly. No one will believe me pop. You're my last hope.
Jason: Son, I believe you.

Mike: Oh thank god.
Jason: Gentlemen, we have a serious problem here. My son has discovered aliens among us.
Men: No.
Mike: Yeah. We've got to warn the rest of the country.
Jason: Good thinking. Pickering, you're in charge. We're off to warn the President. We'll go
even if we have to drive all night.
Men: Here, here.
Mike: Ah, I knew I could count on you pop.
Jason: And if we have to drive all night, we'll need plenty of coffee.
Men: Coffee. Coffee.
Mike: Dad, dad! It's them. Run for your life.
Jason: Oh you're not going anywhere son. Not until you have a cup of coffee.
Mike: Oh no. You're one of them too.
Maggie: One of us! He's our leader. Baratus, baratus inko.
Jason: You'll feel much better if you join us.
Mike: No never.
Everyone: Join us, Join us. Join us. Join us. Join us. Join us. Join us.

(Back to present)
Join us. Join us. Join us. And I did!
Ben: Ahh!
Chrissy: Grow up.
Maggie: Jason, wasn't your story a little too intense for the children.
Jason: I'm a professional psychologist Maggie. I think I know what kids can handle. They know
the difference between reality and fantasy.
Ben: So dad, did the president believe your story?
Jason: What did you think Chrissy?
Chrissy: I think Halloween is ruined.
Maggie: It isn't honey.
Chrissy: Well if you really love me, you'll make it stop raining.
Maggie: Oh sweetheart. You are going to forget all about the rain when you hear my story,
because it's not merely entertaining, it's educational as well.
Ben: See ya.
Jason: Hey Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. You are going to suffer through this with the rest of us. And I
mean suffering in that, you know, zany family way.
Maggie: ok Chrissy, this is a story about a girl. A perfect little girl just like you, who one
evening went trick or treating with her mum. A wonderful woman who was warm and caring
and loads of fun. Just like me. So she rang the bell of this house with walls made of, um,
what's that stuff called.

Jason: Stucco.
Maggie: No not stucco.
Jason: Siding?
Maggie: No not siding. It's like siding but different.
Jason: Maggie, nothing's like siding but different.
Maggie: Jason, who's telling this story?
Jason: Nobody right now.
Maggie: Shingles.
Jason: You're sure?
Maggie: Yeah, I'm sure it was shingles.
Chrissy: Finally.
Maggie: No, it was bricks.

(Story fantasy)
Witch: Yes.
Chrissy: Trick or treat?
Witch: oh yes, I have something very special for you, my little rabbit.
Maggie: I'm so glad I took every spare moment of the last six months making that costume.
I've got to get a snap shot.
Hop honey, do it for mother. One more hop.
Sweetheart. This is almost as much candy as last year.
Chrissy: Mummy, you know I'd trade all this candy for a hug from you.
Maggie: Oh honey, you don't have to trade a thing. It's a beautiful warm, loving world. Now
don't eat any of this candy until we've had it x rayed.
Chrissy: Oh I won't.
Maggie:(narrating) Then the mother thought, what kind of a mother was she? She's forgotten
to kiss her daughter goodnight.
Maggie: What kind of a mother am I? I've forgotten to kiss my daughter goodnight.
Chrissy: You didn't say anything about apples with fuses in them. You saved my life.
Maggie: And why was it in danger? Because you didn't listen to me. You see, we mums should
always be listened to. Because when we have feelings of danger, you can bet we're right on
the money. You could do yourself a favor, as could all children, if you could only some how
hear what I have to say. Listen to, respect and appreciate your mum. She's the only one you'll
ever have.
Chrissy: Amen.
Maggie: The end.
Ben: Mum, I'm starting to get an idea of why your writing career hasn't taken off.
Jason: Ben, don't be so rude. Your mothers story was very, it had a lot...(phone rings) I'll get
it.

Carol: If that's my blind date calling to cancel, tell him I'm not here.
Jason: Hello.
Carol: Tell him I'm out with somebody incredible good looking.
Jason: Yeah.
Carol: Tell him I pity him for what he's missed.
Jason: I'll be waiting for your call.
Carol: Well?
Jason: It wasn't.
Carol: I know it was dad. You don't have to lie to protect me. I'm ok. I can handle this.
Jason: I'm not lying.
Carol: Then why are you getting me so upset dad?
Maggie: Who was it Jason?
Jason: Nobody. Say, you know what would make this evening perfect? Something in the
kitchen.
Maggie: Something in the kitchen!
Jason: Get off your dove. Come on. And follow me.
Maggie: What's going on?
Jason: That was Eddie on the phone. Mike was supposed to pick him up a half hour ago and he
hasn't shown.
Maggie: He hasn't? Well maybe we should call...Hu. Has he got yellow eyes?
Jason: Maggie, I'm serious.