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Chrissy: How's it going Dwayne?
Dwayne: Great. I puked three times already.
Chrissy: Mum, dad, let's go already. People are going to run out of candy and start handing out
sticky fruit.
Maggie: Hang on a minute Chrissy.
Chrissy: And the time it's taken you to change clothes, I changed sexes.
Jason: Chrissy you've been hanging around Ben too much.
Ben: Tell them you heard it from Mike.
Chrissy: Ben said I heard it from Mike.
Ben: So where's all the candy we're going to hand out?
Chrissy: We don't have any this year, since nobody's going to be home.
Ben: Well I'm not trick or treating. I'm going to be home.
Chrissy: That's not a costume?
Ben: No.
Mike: Hey guys, how's it going? Wow Chrissy! What a great costume. Hey great cross thesis.
Look Ben, you're looking pretty good too. Those fake zits are frightening.
Ben: I'm not wearing a costume.
Mike: If I were you I'd lay off the chocolate.
Chrissy: Mike, will you take me trick or treating?
Mike: No I can't Chrissy. I've got to go pick up Eddie, then we are going to a party.
Chrissy: So I'm stuck with mum and dad?
Mike: We all are. Goodnight guys.
Ben: Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight. Since yesterday.
Jason: Hey hey! Shiver me timbers. It's Captain Hook!
Chrissy: Yo ho.
Maggie: Jason, you haven't said a word about my daughter's beard.
Jason: Well she's a little young. Even for the women in your family.
Chrissy: let's go, lets go, lets go!
Jason: Hey! Wo, wo! I got to get a picture of this.
Chrissy: Dad every second we waste is candy out of my mouth.
Jason: Come on.
Maggie: Come on Ben.
Ben: What?
Maggie: We want all out trick or treaters in the picture.
Ben: What is it with you people? I am not wearing a costume and I have not painted fake zits on my face.
Maggie: Are you out of your prescription?
Ben: No. And I don't trick or treat. I haven't gone since I was a child.
Jason: Yeah, last Halloween.
Ben: I wasn't really trick or treating. I was out toilet papering houses.
Chrissy: I'm never going to get out of this stinking house.
Jason: Ben, I distinctively remember you saying that...
Ben: Carol's showing her breasts.
Jason: Never mind Carol's chest, it's about...Oh my god. Where did...that's a little low cut isn't
it?
Carol: Little! I can't even raise my arms without ...woops.
Maggie: Carol, what are you suppose to be?
Carol: Well I'm supposed to be a woman who wants to be noticed for her brain and not her
body. But we'll see. I'm kidding. It's just a costume for a Halloween party with a great blind
date.
Maggie: Oh, if you haven't met him, how do you know he's great?
Carol: Well because a fried of mine who set it up said I had a bellow average IQ and used to
be a cheerleader.
Jason: So what happens when he finds out you are an intelligent woman of substance?
Carol: Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything wild, I never do anything wild. I don't know
how to do anything wild. It's the tragedy of what I am.
Jason: It's good to hear.
Carol: I'm going to wait for this stud outside.
Maggie: So what were we talking about before..?
Jason: Ben. Oh Ben. Hey.
Chrissy: He's gone. We were waiting for you to take me trick or treating and he got married
and had kids.
Chrissy: We don't have much time. Lets start on the rich neighborhood.
Maggie: Oh Chrissy, that's not nice. Our neighborhood will do just fine.
Jason: You know how much the houses around here are going for?
Maggie: Chrissy stop.
Chrissy: Why?
Jason: There's a storm.
Chrissy: just a little storm. (Lightening burns a tree) Come on. What are we waiting for?
Jason: No no.
Maggie: No no.
Chrissy: I want to go! Ahh!
Ben: No, no Stink man. We only use new toilet paper.
Chrissy: I want to have Halloween.
Maggie: Now stop it Chrissy. Stop it right now.
Jason: Chrissy, stop it. Halloween isn't ruined.
Chrissy: It isn't?
Jason: No.
Maggie: Ben, what are you doing with all that toilet paper?
Ben: Um, I was going to hand it out to the trick or treaters.
Chrissy: Everybody goes to trick or treat except me.
Ahhh!
Jason: Chrissy, Ben is not handing toilet paper out to trick or treaters. He's using it to
vandalize homes.
Chrissy: Honest?
Jason: Yes. Right Ben?
Ben: You got that right.
Maggie: Freeze.
Jason: Maggie, come on. If you're not going to help out, just don't say anything.
Maggie: Jason, I'm not going to indulge her fit. Chrissy! Ben don't go anywhere.
Ben: Hey, I wasn't.
Carol: This was the worst night of my life.
Chrissy: Ahhhh!
Maggie: Chrissy.
Carol: If that guy shows up, tell him I'll be right down. And don't mention anything about me
being a fine intelligent woman or any crap like that.
Jason: Listen listen listen. Do you want to cry all night? Or do you want to have a special
Halloween like the pilgrims had?
Chrissy: Who? I thought the pilgrims had the first thanksgiving.
Jason: Yes. Yes they did. But on the boat, on the way over, was Halloween.
Chrissy: I never heard that.
Jason: Well they don tell you everything in pre-school, incase you get bored and drop out.
Maggie: So you're saying they had Halloween on the Mayflower?
Jason: You haven't heard of this either? I think this speaks very badly for the public
education system tonight. Yes Maggie. That's why we have pumpkins on Halloween and on
thanksgiving we have pumpkin pie.
Ben: My got, we do, don't we.
Jason: So I thought with all the rain, tonight would be a great night to have the old pilgrim
Halloween.
Chrissy: What did they do?
Maggie: Well they didn't toilet paper house. Did they Ben?
Ben: No, they used leaves.
Jason: No, they told scary stories.
Chrissy: Oh, this is one of those family deals.
Jason: I'm talking about really scary stories.
Chrissy: how scary.
Maggie: Jason, I think Chrissy's a little young for this.
Chrissy: No I'm not. I'm a woman with a hook. Ahh!
Jason: Ahh yes! Yes. Right, who wants to go first? Ok, I will. Lets set a little mood here. A
little less light. Ha ha ha! And if we happen to save a little electricity, so be it.
(Flash back to Jason's childhood, played by the Seaver family)
Alright, yes it was a Halloween night, as I recall. A might much like this. Yes, and I was about
the same age as your brother mike is now. Even looked like him. The job of handing out candy
to trick or treaters fell to me that year because pop was at his men's club having a lengthy
meeting about his hand shake, and mum was leaving to visit a sick relative in Buffalo.
Maggie: This plane ticket cast me thirty-nine dollars. Uncle Zeek better be on his deathbed.
Mike: Mum.
Maggie: Oh I'm sorry Jason. Money is not important and Zeek's my favorite uncle. After all he
has lingered so that I can purchase my ticket thirty days in advance. Excursion rate.
Mike: Seats are limited and certain restrictions apply, and the cost of the ticket is non
refundable.
Maggie: Oh that's my boy.
Mike: Have a nice trip mum.
Maggie: Oh honey, I'm sorry you'll be left alone. Halloween will be ruined for you.
Mike: Oh no it won't. My good friend Jerome is coming over here and we're having a pilgrim
kind of Halloween.
Maggie: How resourceful.
Mike: Yeah, we're also turning off all the lights. That way we'll have no trick or treaters and we
can save all that candy money.
Maggie: Love you. I don't want to miss my flight.
Mike: And remember, bring back some of those peanuts from the plane.
Maggie: I will.
Mike: Oh, well I think I'll watch some TV. Oh, what am I saying? We don't have a TV. We're
holding out for color.
(Doorbell)
Ben: Hi Jase. Want to go toilet paper some houses?
Mike: No, not only would that be vandalisation, it wouldn't be thrifty.
Ben: Excuse me.
Mike: Oh no, that wasn't you. It was outside. Isn't that weird. Up there.
Ben: Where? You mean next to the flying saucer?
Mike: Think about it.
Ben: Oh no, what if they're here seeking intelligent life?
Mike: You've got nothing to worry about. Alright, just stay calm. I'm sure there is a very
rational and scientific explanation for all this. It's probably marsh gas.
Ben: I said excuse me.
(Doorbell)
Mike and Ben: Ahh!
Ben: Ahh!
Mike: It's probably just some kids out wanting some candy. Yeah, that's it.
Maggie: Jason?
Mike: Mum. Mum, what are you doing here?
Maggie: Coffee. I must have coffee.
Mike: You came all the way back just to get a cup of coffee. Mum, you're missing your flight.
Thirty-nine dollars down the drain for a cup of coffee?
Maggie: It's very good coffee.
Mike: mum, you're talking crazy
Ben: That to, varact ta, nick toe.
Maggie: I see you've gotten into my coffee.
Ben: My second cup.
Mike: That's funny; he never has a second cup of my coffee. Wait a minute. What am I
thinking? He doesn't drink coffee. What are you doing?
Ben: Feeding my face.
Maggie: Save some for me.
Mike: You are both acting weird. This is nuts.
Maggie: Oh, you'll feel differently after you have a nice cup of coffee down your pants. ha ha
ha ha.
Ben and Maggie: Ha ha ha. Ho ho ho. Hee hee hee.
Maggie: Hu, earthlings. Go figure.
Policeman: Are you crazy? I could have killed you.
Mike: Hey officer.
Policeman: Didn't you ever hear of cross walks?
