“A recording,” said Gargravarr, “of the last man who was put in the Vortex. It is always played to the next victim. A sort of prelude.”
“Hey, it really sounds bad…” stammered Zaphod, “couldn’t we maybe slope off to a party or something for a while, think it over?”
“For all I know,” said Gargravarr’s ethereal voice, “I’m probably at one. My body that is. It goes to a lot of parties without me. Says I only get in the way. Hey ho.”
“What is all this with your body?” said Zaphod, anxious to delay whatever it was that was going to happen to him.
“Well, it’s… it’s busy you know,” said Gargravarr hesitantly.
“You mean it’s got a mind of its own?” said Zaphod.
There was a long and slightly chilly pause before Gargravarr spoke again.
“I have to say,” he replied eventually, “that I find that remark in rather poor taste.”
Zaphod muttered a bewildered and embarrassed apology.
“No matter,” said Gargravarr, “you weren’t to know.”
The voice fluttered unhappily.“The truth is,” it continued in tones which suggested he was trying very hard to keep it under control, “the truth is that we are currently undergoing a period of legal trial separation. I suspect it will end in divorce.”
The voice was still again, leaving Zaphod with no idea of what to say. He mumbled uncertainly.
“I think we are probably not very well suited,” said Gargravarr again at length, “we never seemed to be happy doing the same things. We always had the greatest arguments over sex and fishing. Eventually we tried to combine the two, but that only led to disaster, as you can probably imagine. And now my body refuses to let me in. It won’t even see me…”
He paused again, tragically. The wind whipped across the plain.
“It says I only inhibit it. I pointed out that in fact I was meant to inhibit it, and it said that that was exactly the sort of smart alec remark that got right up a body’s left nostril, and so we left it. It will probably get custody of my forename.”
“Oh…” said Zaphod faintly, “and what’s that?”
“Pizpot,” said the voice, “My name is Pizpot Gargravarr. Says it all really doesn’t it?”
“Errr…” said Zaphod sympathetically.“And that is why I, as a disembodied mind, have this job, Custodian of the Total Perspective Vortex. No one will ever walk on the ground of this planet. Except the victims of the Vortex – they don’t really count I’m afraid.” “Ah…”
“I’ll tell you the story. Would you like to hear it?”