評論
打印
So here it all was—the time, the place, the issue and the person in question. We proceeded to have a discussion about the idea, which came out easily, during our friendly, linked arm-in-arm walk by the ocean. I said, "I would probably say yes, Felipe, under normal circumstances. Whatever normal circumstances are . . ."
因此這一切就在眼前——時間，地點，問題，當事人。我們開始討論在友好地手勾手漫步海邊之際自然出現的想法。我說："斐利貝，在正常情況下，我或許會說好。啊，管它什么是"正常情況"……"
We both laughed. But then I showed him my hesitation. Which was this—that as much as I might enjoy to have my body and heart folded and unfolded for a while in the expert hands of an expat lover, something else inside me has put in a serious request that I donate the entirety of this year of traveling all to myself. That some vital transformation is happening in my life, and this transformation needs time and room in order to finish its process undisturbed. That basically, I'm the cake that just came out of the oven, and it still needs some more time to cool before it can be frosted. I don't want to cheat myself out of this precious time. I don't want to lose control of my life again.
我們倆都笑了。但我接著讓他明白我的遲疑，也就是——我也許愿意把自己的身心暫時交付給一名駐外情人，內心卻有另一部分嚴格要求自己將這一整年的旅行完全獻給自己。我的生命發生某種極其重要的變化，此一變化需要時間與空間來完成其過程，不受任何干擾。基本上，我是剛出爐的蛋糕，依然需要時間冷卻始可加上糖霜。我不想剝奪自己這段寶貴的時間。我不想讓自己的生活再次失控。
Of course Felipe said that he understood, and that I should do whatever's best for me, and that he hoped I would forgive him for bringing up the question in the first place. ("It had to be asked, my lovely darling, sooner or later.") He assured me that, whatever I decided, we would still keep our friendship, since it seemed to be so good for both of us, all this time we spent to-gether.
斐利貝自然說他了解，說我應當做對我自己最好的事情；他說希望我原諒他提出這個問題。（"遲早非問不可，我可愛的甜心。"）他向我保證，無論我做任何決定，我們仍將保有這份友誼，因為我們共度的時光對彼此來說似乎都很美好。
"Although," he went on, "you do need to let me make my case now." "Fair enough," I said.
"只不過，"他繼續說，"我得提出自己的聲明。"這很公平。"我說。
"For one thing, if I understand you correctly, this whole year is about your search for balance between devotion and pleasure. I can see where you've been doing a lot of devotional practices, but I'm not sure where the pleasure has come in so far."
"其一，如果我正確理解你的意思，你這一整年是在追尋虔誠與快樂之間的平衡。我看見你做了許多虔誠的實踐，卻不確定到目前為止你的快樂從何而來。"
"I ate a lot of pasta in Italy, Felipe."
"斐利貝，我在意大利吃了很多面食喔。"
"Pasta, Liz? Pasta?"
"面食，小莉？面食？"
"Good point."
"對啊。"
"For another thing, I think I know what you're worried about. Some man is going to come into your life and take everything from you again. I won't do that to you, darling. I've been alone for a long time, too, and I've lost a great deal in love, just like you have. I don't want us to take anything from each other. It's just that I've never enjoyed anyone's company as much as I enjoy yours, and I'd like to be with you. Don't worry—I'm not going to chase you back to New York when you leave here in September. And as for all those reasons you told me a few weeks ago that you didn't want to take a lover . . . Well, think of it this way. I don't care if you shave your legs every day, I already love your body, you've already told me your entire life story and you don't have to worry about birth control—I've had a vasectomy."
"另外，我想我知道你擔心什么。有個人即將走入你的生活，再次剝奪你的一切。我不會這樣做，甜心。我也孤獨了好一段時間，和你一樣，也經歷過許多愛的失落。我不希望我們剝奪彼此任何東西。我只是喜歡有你做伴，超過任何人的做伴，我喜歡和你在一起。別擔心——你九月離開這里的時候，我不會追著你回紐約。至于幾個禮拜前，你跟我說不想找情人的種種理由……嗯，這樣想好了：我不介意你是否每天要刮腿毛，我已喜歡你的身體，你也已經告訴我整個人生故事，而你也用不著擔心避孕——我已經做了結扎。"
