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One day, Brittany bribed a classmate to ask me to the school dance. I wasn't allowed to go, and I told him so, but I was flattered. I felt elite and accepted by those around me. I told myself, though I am alone, I am desired and that is good enough for me. I blended in the most perfect way: well enough to fit in and not nerdy enough to stand out. Then Brittany told me during science class that she had put him up to it. She asked in front of everyone, "Why would anyone even want you?" And I believed her.
一天，布里塔尼賄賂了一位同學(xué)，讓他邀請(qǐng)我參加學(xué)校的舞會(huì)。盡管我告訴他家里人不允許我去，但這件事卻仍讓我覺(jué)得受寵若驚。原來(lái)，自己也是優(yōu)秀的，我覺(jué)得身邊的人接納了自己。我對(duì)自己說(shuō)，雖然我總是孤零零的一個(gè)人，可還是有人喜歡我的，這就夠了。我以最理想的方式融入了他們當(dāng)中：既能與他們相處融洽，也沒(méi)有出盡風(fēng)頭招人討厭。后來(lái)在自然課上，布里塔尼告訴我，是她唆使那個(gè)人邀請(qǐng)我的。她當(dāng)著全班同學(xué)的面反問(wèn)我：“別人怎么會(huì)要你這樣的？”我把她的這句話(huà)當(dāng)真了。
I went home and cried, questioning whether I was an alien. I told myself over and over that she would amount to nothing while I still had time to grow. She would become a middle-aged trailer park renter in Northern California, with lots of kids with her same bucktoothed smile, while I would somehow turn into a high school social butterfly and move to New York City, Chicago, or Washington D.C., cosmopolitan and sophisticated. We would never be in the same league.
回到家后，我哭了一場(chǎng)，懷疑自己是不是一個(gè)異類(lèi)。我一遍遍地告訴自己，她將一事無(wú)成，而我還有時(shí)間成長(zhǎng)。她將人到中年，帶著一大群孩子在加州北部租住活動(dòng)屋；她的孩子們笑起來(lái)和她一樣，齙牙外露。而我將成為高中的交際花，會(huì)遷居至紐約、芝加哥或華盛頓特區(qū)，成為一個(gè)見(jiàn)多識(shí)廣而又成熟老練的人。我們永遠(yuǎn)也不會(huì)成為同一種人。
Secretly, I emulated her. Through everything that she did to me, I wanted to be 20 times better. Although she was seemingly perfect in everyone's eyes, I wanted to be everything she wasn't and yet a million times more perfect. Where she was loud and mocking, I wanted to be reserved and coy. She wore tight pants that exposed her chubby stomach, but I wanted to be thin and muscular. Brittany was intimidating and violent, but I wanted to be, and was then, serene and not at all confrontational. I wanted to be the polar opposite of her, showing how much better I was than her.
私底下，我暗暗與她較勁。就憑她對(duì)我做的這一切，我就要比她好一百倍。盡管她在每個(gè)人眼里似乎都完美無(wú)缺，我卻要處處跟她唱反調(diào)，做一個(gè)與她完全相反的人，但卻要比她更加完美。當(dāng)她扯著嗓門(mén)冷嘲熱諷時(shí)，我就要含蓄內(nèi)斂矜持靦腆。她穿緊身褲露出她豐腴的腹部，而我則要變得修長(zhǎng)健美。布里塔尼氣勢(shì)洶洶叫人害怕，而我卻想文靜安詳不與人爭(zhēng)吵沖撞(那時(shí)的我就是這樣的)。我想和她完全相反，以此證明我比她要優(yōu)秀得多。
