評論
打印
I have vague memories of the next day: the after effects of drinking, a certain hollowness that I tried to stifle.
因為喝了酒，我對第二天的記憶很模糊，我試圖扼制住一種空虛感。
Nothing more. But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
沒有更多。但是，我并沒有出現在Thordis的家門口。
It is important to now state that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
現在，需要重點說明的是，當時我并未認識到我行為的實質。
The word "rape" didn't echo around my mind as it should've,
“強奸”這兩個字，并未如其應當的那樣，在我腦海中不斷浮現，
and I wasn't crucifying myself with memories of the night before.
我也并未因為昨晚發生的事情折磨自己。
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal, it was more like any acknowledgment of reality was forbidden.
那不太像是，一種有意識的拒絕，更像是對現實的認知，遇到了阻礙。
My definition of my actions completely refuted any recognition of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
我對自身行為的定義，完全擊敗了我對給Thordis造成巨大傷害的認知。
To be honest, I repudiated the entire act in the days afterwards and when I was committing it.
誠實地說，無論是在事情發生后的那些天，還是當時，我否認自己的整個行為。
I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape.
我說服自己，那是一場性愛而非強奸，并以此否認事實。
And this is a lie I've felt spine-bending guilt for.
這個謊言，讓我承受了巨大的罪惡感。
I broke up with Thordis a couple of days later,
不久之后，我和Thordis分了手，
and then saw her a number of times during the remainder of my year in Iceland,
那年，在冰島剩下的時間里，我時常見到她，
feeling a sharp stab of heavyheartedness each time.
每次我都感到異常沉重。
Deep down, I knew I'd done something immeasurably wrong.
內心深處，我知道我已經犯了無法估量的錯誤。
But without planning it, I sunk the memories deep, and then I tied a rock to them.
但是，我并未因此而做些什么，而是把記憶深深掩埋。
