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After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor's office.
我丈夫把自己弄受傷后，我趕快陪他去看醫生。
There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it.
在那里，護士給他包扎傷口，并指導他如何護理。
She then reassured him by adding, "Now, if you do everything I've told you, you won't be with us for long."
然后她又安慰她說，“如果你照我說的做，你不會在我們這里待很久的。”
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver's license.
我岳父80多歲的時候，去機動車駕駛管理處更新他的護照。
At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign.
在路考期間，他一度接近一個四向停車點，向左看了看，然后徑直穿過了停車標志。
"Sir! You didn't look to your right," yelled the frightened inspector.
“先生！你沒有看你的右邊，”這位受驚的檢查員喊道。
My father-in-law calmly shook his head. "That's Mum's side."
我的岳父冷靜地搖了搖他的頭。“那是媽媽的立場。”
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, "Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?"
談話的話題是鼻子整形。我略感困惑的小女兒問道：“醫生從哪兒弄來的新鼻子來代替舊鼻子?”
"They have a place that manufactures them," I answered. "It's called the 'olfactory.'"
“他們有一個生產這些東西的地方，”我回答道。“它叫‘嗅覺工廠’。”
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage.
在購買浴室磅秤的時候，我發現了一款產品，它不僅能稱體重，也能測量體脂重，骨量和含水率。
I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, "I don't need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough."
我放棄了那款產品，選擇了一款低技術含量的型號。正如我跟售貨員說的那樣，“我不想在四方面感到抑郁，一方面就足夠了。”
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
當你看到蛋糕上的蠟燭時，你就知道你已經老了。就像說，“看看你能不能把它吹滅。”
Tracia and Patrick Kraemer met at a nudist park and fell in love. "It was our third date before we saw each other dressed.
特雷西婭和帕特里克·克雷默在一個裸體公園相遇并墜入愛河。“這是我們第三次約會，我們才看到對方穿衣服。
And that was a good thing," Tracia said, addressing Patrick, "cause had I seen you dressed on the first date, I probably wouldn't have dated you again.
這是一件好事情，”特蕾西婭對帕特里克說：“因為如果第一次約會我看到的是穿衣服的你，那我可能就不會再和你約會了。
You wore those two different brown plaids together; that was terrible."
你把那兩種不同的棕色格子布穿在一起；這是很糟的。”
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes.
馬里蘭州的《每日時報》的法律公告部分報道：邁克爾·雷·迪皮羅向巡回法院申請將自己的名字改為邁克爾·雷·福布斯。
His reason for doing so? "Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!"
他做這個的原因？“前妻想繼續保留我的姓氏。她也可以保留這個！”
I RESOLVE TO LOSE... WAIT, IS THAT A DOUGHNUT?
我決定要減掉...等一下，那是一個甜甜圈嗎？
Happy New Year! Time for the new diet—and the new excuses:
新年快樂！是時候開始新的飲食了，還有新的接口：
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
剛剛消耗了2000卡路里。這是我最后一次在睡覺的時候把巧克力糕餅放在烤箱里。
I'm not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.
我對任何飲食計劃都不感興趣，除非它允許我攝入可延期使用的卡路里。
The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying "I ate nachos," I say, "I accidentally ate nachos."
我生活中唯一的不同就是當我在節食的時候，我不說“我吃了玉米片”，我說“我不小心吃了玉米片”。
Personal trainer: No pain, no gain. Me: Deal!
私人教練：沒有付出就沒有收獲。我：好的!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
我得往這個莫吉托雞尾酒里放多少薄荷才能算上一份蔬菜?
