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I am an addict
我是一名吸毒者
BY JOHN
文/約翰
JOHN, lower left, 49, preparing to inject in the bathroom of a restaurant in Boston on Jan. 12.
約翰，左下，49歲，照片拍攝于1月12日，他正躲在波士頓的一家餐館的洗手間準(zhǔn)備注射毒品。
I HAD A CAREER IN SALES IN THE AUTOMOBILE business.
我本來(lái)在汽車(chē)行業(yè)做銷(xiāo)售。
I was making a lot of money, upwards of a $100,000 a year.
掙的錢(qián)還不少，一年能掙10多萬(wàn)。
I always messed around with, you know, drinking, pot, but it never truly affected me.
我一直都在瞎混，酗酒，抽大麻，你懂的，但它從未真正影響過(guò)我。
Then I started up with the OxyContins.
我的毒癮是從吃止痛藥開(kāi)始的。
Opiates are a whole different ball game.
阿片類(lèi)止痛藥的游戲規(guī)則完全不一樣。
You don't really get hung over from them.
你并不會(huì)真正被困擾。
It's an amazing feeling, that warm hug from Jesus.
那是一種神奇的感覺(jué)，就像來(lái)自上帝的溫暖擁抱。
It started as a once-in-a-while thing.
一開(kāi)始我也只是偶爾抽一抽。
But I began telling myself, "Well, if I can feel this good on Friday and Saturday, why shouldn't I feel this good on Tuesday and Wednesday?"
后來(lái)我就想，“好吧，既然星期五星期六可以感覺(jué)這么爽，那干嘛不周二周三也爽一下？”
And then the price started going up, and all of a sudden they're $80 a pill.
后來(lái)毒品的價(jià)格開(kāi)始上漲了，一夜之間就漲到了80美元一片。
At this point, I've got a six- or sevenpills- a-day habit.
這個(gè)時(shí)候，我已經(jīng)養(yǎng)成了每天都要吃六到七片的習(xí)慣了。
I wouldn't get out of bed without one.
不吃上一片我連床都不會(huì)起。
I always knew about heroin, but it was a line I didn't want to cross.
我一直都知道海洛因這個(gè)東西，只不過(guò)過(guò)去我不想越界。
But, you know, the ship had already sailed.
但是，你懂的，開(kāi)弓就沒(méi)有回頭箭的。
An opiate's an opiate's an opiate.
阿片類(lèi)藥物就是阿片類(lèi)藥物。
The heroin was so much cheaper.
畢竟海洛因便宜得多。
I started shooting it, and it's been like that for probably 15 years.
我也就開(kāi)始注射海洛因了，這一注射就是將近15年。
When you're dope sick, like bad, you're not making your own decisions no more.
但如果你毒癮上來(lái)了，而且很厲害的話，你就不能自主了。
Your decisions are made for you.
你的決定毒品已經(jīng)給你做好了。
They say it's like a bad flu.
他們說(shuō)毒癮就像一場(chǎng)嚴(yán)重的流感。
But it's so much worse than that.
實(shí)際上要比流感厲害得多。
You get achy bones, zero energy, intestines are all roughed up, you're throwing up out of both ends.
你的骨頭會(huì)很痛，你會(huì)喪失所有的精力，腸子攪在一起，還會(huì)上吐下瀉。
And the buildup to how sick you're going to get and how shitty you're going to feel makes the anxiety, like, through the roof.
而且，身體變虛同時(shí)感覺(jué)越來(lái)越難受的過(guò)程會(huì)讓你焦躁得暴跳如雷。
I'm not trying to die, contrary to people's belief.
我并不會(huì)想大家以為的那樣尋死。
I'm not trying to kill myself.
我不會(huì)想辦法自殺。
I'm just an addict.
因?yàn)槲抑皇菍?duì)毒品上癮而已。
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