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And I was shocked and shaken to the core.
我震驚不已， 嚇得不得了。
And I went through this roller coaster, because after they stabilized her, she went to the intensive care unit, and I hoped against hope that she would recover.
之后我的心情便像是做著云霄飛車一般， 因為當他們將她的情況穩定下來后， 便將她送進了加護病房， 我在絕望中希望她能夠醒過來。
And over the next two or three days, it was clear that she was never going to wake up.
但在接下來的兩三天中， 她再也不會醒來的可能性越來越大。
She had irreversible brain damage. And the family gathered.
她的腦部已經受到了無法逆轉的損傷。
And over the course of the next eight or nine days, they resigned themselves to what was happening.
她的家人聚在了一起。 在接下來的八到九天里， 他們慢慢的接受了這件事實。
And at about the nine day mark, they let her go -- Mrs. Drucker, a wife, a mother and a grandmother.
在第九天，他們選擇讓她離開人間 -- Drucker女士， 一個家庭的妻子，母親， 和祖母。
They say you never forget the names of those who die.
有人說你永遠不會忘記那些 (因你的疏忽而過世的）人的名字，
And that was my first time to be acquainted with that.
而那是我第一次意識到這句話的現實。
Over the next few weeks, I beat myself up and I experienced for the first time the unhealthy shame that exists in our culture of medicine -- where I felt alone, isolated,
在接下來的幾個星期內，我無比的沮喪，并第一次經歷了那種在醫學文化中存在的危險的羞愧感 -- 我覺得孤單無助。
not feeling the healthy kind of shame that you feel, because you can't talk about it with your colleagues.
這不是那種健康的羞愧感， 因為你不能和你的同事提起討論它。
You know that healthy kind, when you betray a secret that a best friend made you promise never to reveal and then you get busted and then your best friend confronts you and you have terrible discussions, but at the end of it all that sick feeling guides you and you say, I'll never make that mistake again.
你知道健康的那種， 當你背叛了對摯友的承諾而說出了答應要保守的秘密，并被他知道了以后，你的摯友找你算賬時，雖然你們會爭執不休，但最后那層罪惡感仍然會主導你，你告訴自己，我絕對不會再犯同樣的錯誤。
And you make amends and you never make that mistake again.
如是，你做了修正的承諾，然后你永不會再犯那樣的錯。
That's the kind of shame that is a teacher.
這種羞愧有著教導的作用。
The unhealthy shame I'm talking about is the one that makes you so sick inside.
而我所說的那種非良性的羞愧 會讓你愧對于心。
It's the one that says, not that what you did was bad, but that you are bad.
它會對你說， 并非你做的是錯的， 而是你根本就是壞人。
And it was what I was feeling.
這便是我當時的感覺。
