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Chapter 14
第十四章
During the journey back to England I thought much of Strickland.
在回倫敦的旅途上，關于思特里克蘭德我又想了很多。
I tried to set in order what I had to tell his wife.
我試著把要告訴他妻子的事理出一個頭緒來。
It was unsatisfactory, and I could not imagine that she would be content with me; I was not content with myself.
事情辦得并不妙，我想象得出，她不會對我感到滿意的，我對自己也不滿意。
Strickland perplexed me. I could not understand his motives.
思特里克蘭德叫我迷惑不解。我不明白他行事的動機。
When I had asked him what first gave him the idea of being a painter, he was unable or unwilling to tell me.
當我問他，他最初為什么想起要學繪畫的時候，他沒能給我說清楚，也許他根本就不愿意告訴我。
I could make nothing of it.
我一點兒也搞不清楚。
I tried to persuade myself than an obscure feeling of revolt had been gradually coming to a head in his slow mind,
我企圖這樣解釋這件事：在他的遲鈍的心靈中逐漸產生了一種朦朧模糊的反叛意識。
but to challenge this was the undoubted fact that he had never shown any impatience with the monotony of his life.
但是，一件不容置疑的事實卻駁斥了上述解釋：他對自己過去那種單調的生活從來沒有流露出什么厭煩不耐啊。
If, seized by an intolerable boredom, he had determined to be a painter merely to break with irksome ties, it would have been comprehensible,
如果他只是無法忍受無聊的生活而決心當一個畫家，以圖掙脫煩悶的枷鎖，這是可以理解的，
and commonplace; but commonplace is precisely what I felt he was not.
也是極其平常的事；但是問題在于，我覺得他絕對不是一個平常的人。
At last, because I was romantic, I devised an explanation which I acknowledged to be far-fetched, but which was the only one that in any way satisfied me.
最后，也許我有些羅曼蒂克，我想象出一個解釋來，盡管這個解釋有些牽強，卻是唯一能使我感到滿意的。
It was this: I asked myself whether there was not in his soul some deep-rooted instinct of creation, which the circumstances of his life had obscured,
那就是：我懷疑是否在他的靈魂中深深埋藏著某種創作的欲望，這種欲望盡管為他的生活環境掩蓋著，
but which grew relentlessly, as a cancer may grow in the living tissues, till at last it took possession of his whole being and forced him irresistibly to action.
卻一直在毫不留情地膨脹壯大，正象腫瘤在有機組織中不斷長大一樣，直到最后完全把他控制住，逼得他必須采取行動，毫無反抗能力。
The cuckoo lays its egg in the strange bird's nest, and when the young one is hatched it shoulders its foster-brothers out and breaks at last the nest that has sheltered it.
杜鵑把蛋下到別的鳥巢里，當雛鳥孵出以后，就把它的異母兄弟們擠出巢外，最后還要把庇護它的巢窩毀掉。
But how strange it was that the creative instinct should seize upon this dull stockbroker, to his own ruin, perhaps,
但是奇怪的是，這種創作欲竟會抓住了一個頭腦有些遲鈍的證券經紀人，可能導致他的毀滅，
and to the misfortune of such as were dependent on him;
使那些依靠他生活的人陷入不幸。
and yet no stranger than the way in which the spirit of God has seized men, powerful and rich, pursuing them with stubborn vigilance till at last, conquered,
但是如果同上帝的玄旨妙義有時竟也把人們抓住這一點比起來，倒也不足為奇。這些人有錢有勢，可是上帝卻極其警覺地對他們緊追不舍，直到最后把他們完全征服，
they have abandoned the joy of the world and the love of women for the painful austerities of the cloister.
這時他們就拋棄掉世俗的歡樂、女人的愛情，甘心到寺院中過著凄苦冷清的生活。
Conversion may come under many shapes, and it may be brought about in many ways.
皈依能以不同的形態出現，也可以通過不同的途徑實現。
With some men it needs a cataclysm, as a stone may be broken to fragments by the fury of a torrent;
有一些人通過激變，有如憤怒的激流把石塊一下子沖擊成齏粉；
but with some it comes gradually, as a stone may be worn away by the ceaseless fall of a drop of water.
另一些人則由于日積月累，好象不斷的水滴，遲早要把石塊磨穿。
Strickland had the directness of the fanatic and the ferocity of the apostle.
思特里克蘭德有著盲信者的直截了當和使徒的狂熱不羈。
