評論
打印
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist
馬提達博士，一位人活躍的權運動領袖
who had nearly died in prison
曾經幾乎喪命于獄中
and had spent many years in solitary confinement,
并在單獨禁錮中度過多年，
told me she was grateful to her jailers
但她告訴我她很感謝她的囚監
for the time she had had to think,
給她思考的時間，
for the wisdom she had gained,
讓她得到了許多的智慧，
for the chance to hone her meditation skills.
和增進她的沉思的能力。
She had sought meaning
她追尋了意義，
and made her travail into a crucial identity.
并把她受的難變成了重要的身份。
But if the people I met
但如果我見到的人們
were less bitter than I'd anticipated
沒我想象的中那么懷恨
about being in prison,
他們在獄中的時間，
they were also less thrilled than I'd expected
他們也沒有我想象的
about the reform process going on
對他們國家的政治改革
in their country.
那么高興。
Ma Thida said,
馬提達說：
"We Burmese are noted
“我們緬甸人出了名的
for our tremendous grace under pressure,
在壓力下能保持優雅，
but we also have grievance under glamour,"
但在華麗表象下卻有不滿，”
she said, "and the fact that there have been
他說道，“我們曾經歷
these shifts and changes
這些動蕩和改變
doesn't erase the continuing problems
并不能消除我們
in our society
在獄中學會看清的
that we learned to see so well
社會中
while we were in prison."
長久以來的問題。”
And I understood her to be saying
而我所理解她所說的是
that concessions confer only a little humanity,
相比完整的人性所需要的，
where full humanity is due,
妥協換來的只是一小部分的人性
that crumbs are not the same
這就像面包屑并不等于
as a place at the table,
飯桌前就餐的位置
which is to say you can forge meaning
而這意味著你可以在鑄造意義
and build identity and still be mad as hell.
和尋求身份的同時十分氣憤。
I've never been raped,
我不曾被強奸，
and I've never been in anything remotely approaching
我也不曾體驗過任何
a Burmese prison,
接近緬甸監獄的事情，
but as a gay American,
但身為一名同性戀的美國人，
I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,
我經歷過歧視甚至仇恨，
and I've forged meaning and I've built identity,
而我也曾鑄造過意義和建造了身份，
which is a move I learned from people
這是我從經歷過比我
who had experienced far worse privation
更多困苦的人身上
than I've ever known.
學習到的法則。
In my own adolescence,
我年少時，
I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.
曾經千辛萬苦地努力成為異性戀者。
I enrolled myself in something called
我為自己報名參加了稱為
sexual surrogacy therapy,
性替代品的療法。
in which people I was encouraged to call doctors
所謂的醫生為我
prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises
和所謂替代品女人
with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,
規定了所謂的練習，
who were not exactly prostitutes
她們并不是妓女，
but who were also not exactly anything else.
但除了妓女卻也什么都不是。
My particular favorite
我最喜愛的
was a blonde woman from the Deep South
是從南部來的一位金發女郎，
who eventually admitted to me
她最終向我坦白
that she was really a necrophiliac
她是個戀尸癖
and had taken this job after she got in trouble
在她在停尸房中出了事兒后，
down at the morgue.
才接受了這份工作。
These experiences eventually allowed me to have
這些經歷最終讓我和一些女人
some happy physical relationships with women,
發生了愉快的肉體關系，
for which I'm grateful,
我對此抱有感激，
but I was at war with myself,
但我也和自己不斷的戰斗，
and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.
我在自身的心靈里劃下了了嚴重的傷。
We don't seek the painful experiences
我們不尋求揉搓出我們身份
that hew our identities,
的那些慘痛經驗
but we seek our identities
但我們在慘痛的經驗之后，
in the wake of painful experiences.
卻會追尋我們的身份。
