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But anyway, let's talk about John. Please.
但總之，還是說約翰吧。謝天謝地。
If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice,
我歷險中，不厭其煩地帶了位幫手（出自原著"皮膚變白的軍人"），并不是一時任性。
it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me.
他有許多美好品質，他自己都忽視了，只因太過迷戀我。
Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
確實，我被稱贊為頭腦敏銳，其實這全靠約翰無私提供的極度反差。
It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day.
眾所周知，新娘愛選擇相貌平平的伴娘。
There is a certain analogy there, I feel. And contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation.
以此類推，反差這種事，說到底是上帝突出造物之美的方式。
Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
當然前提是，上帝這一概念不是為讓白癡就業而創造的白日夢。
The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole
我想說的是，我這個人最刻薄、最沒禮貌、最愚蠢，總而言之就是最可恨。
that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet.
你再不幸也遇不到比我更混蛋的人。
I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.
我對德行不屑一顧，對美貌心不在焉，直面幸福也渾然不覺
So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend.
收到伴郎邀約讓我不解，是因為我從未指望，誰能把我當最好的朋友。
And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
更沒指望這個人是我這輩子有幸認識的最勇敢，最善良，最明智的人。
John, I am a ridiculous man.
約翰，我這人不可理喻。
Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship.
只有你持續給予的溫暖友誼救贖了我。
