Kent: (laughing) Well, here we are.
Jason: Well, that doesn't look as bad as I thought. Maggie? Maggie!
Jason: Maggie, you can't keep hugging this mountain all night long.
Maggie: Watch me. Jason, how could you let me talk you into this?
Jason: I-I'm just here for moral support.
Maggie: Stop that! I want physical support! I want an elevator, a ski lift! I'll even get in a helicopter!
Jason: She's panicking.
Kent: Well, if worse comes to worst, I can always pry her off the rock with a crampon.
Jason: Is there anything you could say to assuage her fears?
Kent: Okay. What does "assuage" mean?
Jason: You know what "litigation" means?
Maggie: Jason, don't blame Kent. I thought I could do this.
Kent: Would you like for me to give her my customary pep talk?
Jason: That would be nice.
Kent: Okay. What goes up must come down.
Maggie: Remember that Jason. I want it on my tombstone.
Jason: Maggie, all I can tell you is what you were telling me. Conquering this mountain is the first step in getting everything else you want.
Maggie: Jason, how does that help me win a Pulitzer?
Jason: Good point. You want to leave?
Maggie: Jason, you can't let me quit!
Jason: I thought you wanted to quit.
Maggie: Well, of course I do! Which is exactly why I can't.
Kent: That a-girl.
Maggie: Touch me and you die!
Kent: Okay, this'll be just like we practiced.
Maggie: Okay.
Kent: You want to keep your knees bent. You want to stay focused. Okay?
Maggie: Uh-huh.
Kent: And most of all, relax.
Jason: Just like having a baby.
Maggie: Can I have an epidural?
Kent: Ready?
Maggie: As ready as I'll ever be.
Ken: Okay. I'm gonna lower you down the mountain slowly. Nice & easy.
Maggie: Okay. Honey, I love you.
Jason: I love you, too.
Maggie: Okay.
Jason: You're gonna be fine.
Maggie: All right.
Jason: You're fine.
Maggie: All right
Jason and Maggie: You practiced…oh, yeah…looking good…it's working…that's it…it's working….yes…
Maggie: (laughing)…I'm not gonna die!
Jason: No!
Maggie: (laughing)…This could actually be fun!
Jason: Yeah.
Ken: Okay. Now, you ready to try a push off?
Maggie: Sure!
Ken: Okay. One…two…three!
Jason: Whoa!
Maggie: (laughing)
[crashing sound]
Jason: Whoa. Supposed to smack into the rock like that?
Ken: No.
Jason: Honey, are you all right?
Maggie: I'm fine. How are you? No. I, I, I think I'm stuck.
Jason: She's stuck. She's stuck. You gotta do something.
Ken: Well, her guideline's just tangled in that rock down there. One of us is gonna have to go down there and free it up.
Jason: Good plan.
Ken: And the more experienced one is gonna have to stay here and anchor the rope.
Luke: They're jumping off a mountain?
Mike: Their midlife crisis is my window of opportunity. You see, I rented the house to a film crew today. For five hundred bucks. And all I had to do was show 'em we had fire insurance.
Luke: Pretty smooth.
Mike: Yeah, well, uh, how's things in Arizona? Did your dad get that truck stop café?
Luke: Yeah, um, uh, I'm calling from our state-of-the-art kitchen. They got, uh, mobile phones and everything.
Mike: Yeah? Well, how's your dad?
Luke: Oh, he's fine. He just rented a crane to put the world's biggest coffee pot on the roof.
Mike: Well, then that should pull in the tourists.
Luke: Yeah. And if that doesn't, the world's biggest skylight will. I better get out of here before this turns into an outdoor café. I'll call you next week.
Mike: Okay. We miss ya. Bye.
Ben: Hey!
Mike: Hey! Sorry, party dog, but you've been fixed.
Ben: No way! Kenny's bringing a DJ and a bunch of party girls wearing too much make-up. So this place is mine.
Mike: All right, all right. I'll level with you, Ben. Now listen. Now, I don't need this place for me. I need it for a group of underprivileged inner-city kids.
Ben: Really? What for?
Mike: Well, it's kind of like a suburbia day-trip for 'em, Ben. I mean, some of these kids have never even seen a lawn sprinkler, or so much as a refrigerator magnet.
Ben: Wait. You don't care a rat's hat about underprivileged kids.
Mike: Oh, yeah? Well, here! Why don't you tell that to little Alfonso, Manuel and Harvey.
Ben: I wish you'd have told me this last week, before I invited the whole school. Hey! That's Menudo! I was with you when you bought that wallet. Get ready for some babes in heavy eyeliner.
Maggie: (yelling, screaming)
Jason: We've got you untangled. You can go down now.
Maggie: Wanna bet!
Maggie and Jason: (yelling)
Jason: Maggie, this ought to make up for a lot of anniversaries.
Maggie: Honey, I've been thinking.
Jason: Well, isn't that what got us into this predicament in the first place? Why are there red stains all over those rocks?
Maggie: Oh, Jason! Stop that! I'm counting on you to be the rational one.
Jason: Uh-huh. Hard to be rational when you're dangling like a wind chime, Maggie.
Maggie: (yelling) Jason, check my thinking here.
Jason: Uh-huh.
Maggie: Rappelling is just symbolic. It doesn't make me a better person in and of itself.
Jason: True.
Maggie: So. Considering my career anxiety and mid-life panic, I might just be doing something crazy.
Jason: No argument here.
Maggie: So, honey, please tell me it's okay to forget this and go home.
Jason: Is that what you want me to say, Maggie?
Maggie: Work with me here, Jason.
Jason: It's okay to quit and go home!
Maggie: Did you have to say quit? Couldn't you say "hang in there" or "come to your senses?" (whining)
Jason: All right, Maggie. There are two ways out of this situation. Up or down.
Maggie: That's it?
Jason: Well, we could spend our golden years here, but I doubt the kids would visit.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, I don't think that's very funny.
Jason: Maggie, want straight talk, sweetheart? Well, here it is. Okay. You can either have Kent pull you back up into that comfort zone and be the person you've always been, which is fine. Or you can be tough, Maggie. You can show this mountain who's boss. You can have an adventure you'll remember 'til your dying day…which isn't for many years.
Maggie: Okay. Okay, Kent. All right. Are you ready?
Kent: (yelling) Go for it!
Maggie: One…two….three! (yelling) Pulitzer this, Debbie Teighart!
Mike: Give it up, Ben. I'm older, more experienced than you are.
Ben: You're rusty and out of practice.
Mike: Well, maybe you should ask yourself this: where's your party?
Ben: Where's your film crew?
Mike: They'll be here. But your party is history. I spread the word that you were having chaperones.
Ben: You're so simple. I knew that, and told everybody the chaperones were 19-year-old au-pairs. What you don't know is that I called your film crew and rescheduled for Easter.
Mike: Poor, deceived wretch. They know only to take instructions with a codeword.
Ben: Delta Dawn?
Mike: You knew?
Ben: There are other extensions in this house. Hasta la vista, film crew.
Mike: Well, before you gloat, maybe you should check out the front door. I think there's something out there.
Ben: Oh, there's something out there all right. Instant party. Just add Ben.
Ben: Police lines? Do not cross?
Mike: Read the sign.
Ben: Party is cancelled due to the bubonic plague!
Mike: Hasta la vista, party.
Ben: What'd you go and do that for? C'mon, you've been scamming freely in this house for years! When's it gonna be my turn?
Mike: Hey, you had your turn! When I had my tonsils out.
Ben: I was three!

[On screen: THE NEXT DAY]

Mike: You know, Ben, I've been thinking. Was your night as miserable as mine?
Ben: Are you kidding? I watched "Star Search."
Mike: Well, let's face it. I mean, I didn't get my five hundred dollars. You didn't get to have your party.
Ben: So what are you saying?
Mike: Well, I'm saying that if I haven't used a scam for one calendar year, it's all yours.
Ben: Does that include taking dad's car to the airport, and using it as a gypsy cab?
Chrissy: Look who's here!
Mike: Hey, guys!
Ben: Mom, dad, you're alive!
Maggie: Yep! And guess what? I did it!
Mike: All right! Congratulations! I can't believe it! My parents; rappelling.
Maggie: (laughing) Actually, a helicopter came for your father.
Jason: Hey, rapelling wasn't on my list.
Maggie: Well, I feel like a whole new Maggie. There's nothing I can do now.
Jason: Just like you Maggie before they invented bungee jumping.
Maggie: Oh, honey, bungee jumping! What a great idea! I'm gonna go make an appointment for us this week.
Jason: No! No! No! Mag, no.
Maggie: Do you remember last night at the lodge?
Jason: Yes, I do. Your mother and I are going….bungee jumping.
Jason: You guys wanna help me unpack the car?
Chrissy: Daddy, can I jump over Benji, too?
Maggie: (sighing) (writing) The rope was half an inch in diameter, light enough for me to carry on my belt without noticing. But there I hung; with only that rope between me and death. I saw my husband, my family, my career. And I realized that I'm one of those lucky women who really does have it all.