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There is no more terrifying speech to make than a toast, because none is more prone to disaster. Even Mark Twain, at the height of his fame, confessed that he 'was in awful terror' as he climbed onto a table to toast Gen. Ulysses S. Grant.
再沒有比致祝酒辭更令人恐怖的講話了，因為它極易釀成一場災難。就連馬克?吐溫在如日中天時也承認，當他爬上一張桌子向尤利西斯?S?格蘭特(Ulysses S. Grant)將軍敬酒時，他“感到心驚膽寒”。
The 14 speakers who went before Twain that night had taken more than six hours. In an age where the only other entertainment option was picking lice off a mule, listening to speeches was the equivalent of going to an Arcade Fire concert.
當晚在馬克?吐溫之前致辭的14個人花了逾六小時時間。在那個時代，除了演講，其他娛樂活動就只有從騾子身上抓虱子，聽演講就相當于參加一場拱廊之火(Arcade Fire)搖滾樂隊的音樂會。
Today, however, we live in a world of diversions. I often find myself telling my kids, 'Get off your phone and watch the TV!' Given our communal attention deficit, the pressure has mounted on toasts to be fast, funny and heartfelt as hell. Plus the stakes are higher: Your talk will likely appear on YouTube for the rest of time, popping up when the person you just met through OkCupid Googles your name.
然而，如今我們生活在一個娛樂活動十分豐富的世界里。我常常對孩子說：“別玩手機了，看電視！”鑒于注意力短缺已成為一種通病，致祝酒辭的壓力越來越大，要能快快說完，還要說得極其搞笑，極其誠摯。此外，風險也變大了：你說的話可能會一直放在YouTube上，你剛在交友網站OkCupid上遇到的人只要用谷歌搜索你的名字，它就會跳出來。
So here are some tips to navigate the toasting minefield.
以下是引導你安全通過祝酒辭雷區的一些小貼士。
1. Don't make it about you. The sneaky insertion of self-congratulation is the Speech-Transmitted Disease of our times. For instance, 'Years ago I was marching up the ladder at P&G and Jon supported my idea of adding a touch of gunpowder to Attack Body Spray. The success of Attack led to my becoming V.P. of Teen Odor Control. That's the kind of guy Jon is.'
1. 不要自吹自擂。借致辭之機偷偷自我吹噓一番，是我們這個時代的“講話傳播病”。例如：“很多年前我在寶潔(P&G)打拼的時候，喬恩(Jon)支持我在攻擊牌身體噴霧(Attack Body Spray)里加一點火藥的想法。攻擊牌的成功讓我成為青少年體味控制(Teen Odor Control)部門副總裁。喬恩就是這樣的人。”
Nope. That's the kind of guy you are. You're there to say nice things about your friend or relative, so do just that. Your dead aunt wasn't special because she was the inspiration for your still-available-on-Amazon novel about an English professor at Smith. We all crave praise and more sales, but this isn't the time or place -- wait until you get married or die, and then maybe someone will deliver a nice, selfless toast about you.
喬恩可不是這樣的人，你才是。你到場應該是為了說說你親友的好話，那就這樣做就好了。你過世的姑姑很特別，但并不是因為她啟發了你的靈感，使你創作了那本講述史密斯學院(Smith)一名英文教授的故事、至今在亞馬遜上仍未售罄的小說。我們都渴望受贊揚，渴望推銷自己，但現在并不是恰當的時間和場合──等你結婚或去世時，或許會有人為你致一番漂亮、無私的祝酒辭。
2. Keep it short. Unless you're Louis C.K., people don't want to hear you talk a lot. What's the one thing they actually want from you? More time to go play Candy Crush.
2. 保持短小精悍。除非你是喜劇演員路易斯?C?K(Louis C.K.)，否則沒人想聽你長篇大論。聽眾真正想讓你做的是什么呢？是讓他們有更多時間玩糖果粉碎傳奇(Candy Crush)。
Three minutes is the perfect toast length, and since you're not allowed to talk about yourself, how much is there really to say, right? The moment you go over five minutes, the interior monologue of every guest at the party is, 'Please shut up, please shut up . . .' Give people the gift of surprise and delight by finishing up fast.
祝酒辭的最佳時長是三分鐘，既然不允許你談自己，那還有什么好說的呢，對嗎？祝酒辭只要超過五分鐘，派對上所有客人心里都會開始嘀咕：“拜托你閉嘴，拜托你閉嘴……”請你快一點結束，給人們帶去些許驚喜和快樂吧。
3. Embarrassing isn't the same as funny. An embarrassing story is like nitroglycerin -- you might get it to the Nazi bridge in time, but it's more likely you'll blow up your own Jeep instead.
3. 別把難堪當有趣。讓人難堪的故事就像硝化甘油──你也許能及時把它放到納粹(Nazi)的橋上，但可能性更大的是你炸掉了自己的吉普車。
The problem is the audience's lack of context. They weren't there with you, or as drunk as you, when Rajiv threw the stuffed tomato and knocked the dean off her bike. Also, the embarrassing story is often the only thing that everyone remembers from the event. Fifty years from now, people won't recall a word that the minister said at the wedding. What they will have embedded in their minds is the image you painted of Jennifer relieving herself in Casey's aquarium.
癥結在于聽眾不知道故事的來龍去脈。當拉吉夫(Rajiv)沖著系主任扔釀番茄，讓她從自行車上摔下來的時候，他們并不在場，也沒有像你一樣喝醉。還有，難堪的故事通常是派對結束后大家記住的唯一一件事。五十年之后，牧師在婚禮上說了什么大家一個詞也想不起來了。但你描述的那幅珍妮弗(Jennifer)在凱茜(Casey)的魚缸里方便的畫面會銘刻在他們的腦海里。
Yes, you feel pressed to be funny, but the humiliating story doesn't have much of an upside. And the downside? Waking up in a cold sweat for the rest of your life. Go with short and heartfelt instead.
沒錯，你迫切想要表現得風趣，但講些令人難堪的故事并沒有什么好處。那壞處呢？你余生的每一天都會在一身冷汗中醒來。還是說點簡短、誠摯的話吧。
4. Pick one story, maybe two. Toasters often ramble from one anecdote to the next, turning their speech into a trail mix of stories, frustrating listeners desperate to find an M&M. Choose a single theme about your subject -- Shannon looks like the Mona Lisa; Bob would have made a great trapped Chilean miner -- and pick a story or two that let you say something amusing or sweet to slam that theme through the hoop.
4. 選擇一個故事，兩個也可以。致祝酒辭的人常常會從一則軼事扯到另一則軼事，把致辭變成了故事大雜燴，使急著想找顆M&M巧克力豆來吃的聽眾沮喪不已。請為你的致辭選擇一個單一主題──比如，香農(Shannon)長得像蒙娜?麗莎(Mona Lisa)；鮑勃(Bob)本來有望成為被困井下的偉大智利礦工）──然后選擇一兩個合適的故事，使你能用有趣或溫馨的話來把你的主題講透。
5. Write and rehearse. Don't even think about winging it. Write your toast down, then print it on note cards, because when you pull out big sheets of paper people's hearts sink. Practice the toast out loud at least five times in front of your cat (dogs are too easy an audience). You can memorize the speech, but bring your cards anyway -- it's easy to go blank in front of friends whose pensions you put into Enron stock in 1999.
5. 寫下來并事先演練。即興發揮？想都不要去想。把你的祝酒辭寫下來，然后打印在記事卡上，因為如果你拿出大張大張的紙，人們的心情立馬就會沉重。當著你的貓（讓狗做聽眾太簡單了）的面至少大聲演練五遍。你可以把演講辭背下來，但還是要帶上記事卡──要是你在1999年把朋友的養老金投進了安然公司(Enron)的股票，現在你面對他們的時候，大腦會很容易變成一片空白。
Twain reported that his toast was a hit -- it 'shook [Grant] up like dynamite.' No pressure, but I'll be tracking your toast's success on YouTube.
馬克?吐溫說，他的祝酒辭很成功──像炸藥一樣震撼了（格蘭特）。”我不是有意給你施加壓力，但我會上Youtube看你的祝酒辭說得成不成功。
