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Step 1: Understand what you are apologizing for.
第一步：知道你要為什么而道歉
A genuine apology sounds easy. You probably know by now that it's not. If you've had an affair, I'll bet that on many occasions you've already tried to say "I'm sorry." Or, having had your first apology rejected, you may have tried, "I've already said I'm sorry. What else would you like me to say?"
道歉是很簡單的事，但當你出軌了，想要道歉卻變得很艱難。我敢肯定你在很多情況下已經為你的行為道過歉了；或是你道歉沒被接受。“我已經告訴她/他我很對不起了，我還能做點什么？”
If you have already apologized, your mate may have failed to accept it because it does not feel genuine. Even if, in your heart of hearts, you swear you mean it, it may not be perceived that way. For your message of remorse to get across, you've got to do a fair amount of introspection to figure out what you are apologizing for -- even before you say the words. You are apologizing for much more than "having an affair." There is a lot more that you have done, or not done, that surrounded the affair: things like causing embarrassment to the family, giving up family time, or even bringing home STDs. Your partner wants you to take responsibility for all of it. You should.
如果你已經道歉了，但你的伴侶卻沒有感受到你的誠意，所以沒有接受你的道歉。即使這個歉意真的是你掏心窩肺的歉意，但是你的伴侶卻沒有感覺到你的真誠。為了讓他/她能真正感受到你的悔意，你要好好反省一下你到底為什么道歉？——盡管你都表達過自己的悔意了，但你要明白你要道歉的不僅是因為你“出軌”了。與此同時，你的出軌帶來了很多讓人難以接受的東西。比如：你讓你的家庭蒙羞、你疏于與家人共享時間、你甚至將性傳染疾病帶回了家....你的伴侶想要你為自己犯下的錯負責。
When you do tell your partner that you hurt them with your actions, you should give a full account of all the wrongs you have committed. Don't be surprised if your partner chimes in with a few you didn't think of.
當你向你的伴侶認錯的時候，你應該將你的行為所引起的不良后果一一歷數。當然，他/她可能會給你列舉出幾個你沒有預計到的不良后果，你不要大驚小怪。
Step 2: Accept responsibility.
第二步：承擔責任
When it comes time to offer an apology, you must, above all, be clear about what you have done. Be absolutely certain not to shirk responsibility by sharing the blame with anyone or anything else. Apologizing is not saying, "It never would have happened if I hadn't been hanging out with my sister," or "The captain shouldn't have assigned me a female partner." In particular, be careful to avoid labeling your spouse as responsible, for example, with words like: "If only I had been getting more love from you, I wouldn't have looked elsewhere." Your behavior is your responsibility and no one else's. You'll know you're on the right track when no one offers any disagreement about what you are apologizing for.
People sometimes try to decrease their own responsibility by adding "if" to their statement about the other person's reaction. Saying "I'm sorry if what I did hurt your feelings" is very different from saying "I'm sorry for what I did, and I know it caused you pain." The "if" statement tells the person that you have remorse about the outcome, not about your actions. Don't do that.
當你道歉時，首先，你要承認你犯下的錯。千萬不要將你犯的錯推脫道別人身上。你不應該說“我要不和我姐姐在一起，這種事絕不可能發生。”或是說“老板不應該給我安排個女同事。”特別要注意，千萬不要在這個時候將責任推脫道你的愛人身上，說什么“如果你能多愛我一點，我也不會在外面尋花問柳了。”你犯錯了，就是你自己的責任，和別人無關。你要知道，當你敢于擔當時，你的方向才是對的，也沒人會認為你不應該道歉。人們有時候會說“如果怎樣怎樣”來開脫自己，減小自己的責任。“如果我所做的傷害了你，對不起。”和“對不起，我傷害了你。”是兩個不同的效果。加上“如果....”的道歉會讓人覺得你只對你犯錯的結果感到懊悔，而不是你犯錯的行為。所以，不要那么說。
Step 3: Offer alternatives.
第三步： 如果時光可以到倒轉....
You've probably heard the advice to stay away from the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" attitude toward life. Well, here's a place where this is exactly the attitude you need. A hearty dose of "I should have told you that I was going out to lunch with her," or "I wish had not shared my problems with him" tells your partner that you understand there "coulda" been a better way of handling things, and gives hope that you will make better choices in the future.
“我可能、我也許、我應該”在日常生活里，我們要盡量避免這樣的詞出現。然而一旦婚姻因為出軌亮起了紅燈，這些選擇性的詞應該就應該出現在你的道歉內容里。對他/她真心地說“我當時應該告訴你我是要和她去吃晚餐的。”或是“我不該把我的問題告訴他。”告訴你的伴侶，如果有選擇，你不會重蹈覆轍，這樣可以給他/她再次信任你的希望。
Step 4: Abolish expectations.
第四步：不要期望太高
Another aspect of a genuine apology is to offer it without expectation to get something back. This isn't a proposition of "I'll say what I did wrong so you will tell me what you did wrong," or even "I'll say I'm sorry if you say you'll forgive me." Your sole goal should be to make sure your partner hears you. It's certainly okay to offer the hope that your partner will accept the apology, but you cannot make that a condition for offering it.
真誠的道歉必須是不要求回報的。這不是什么一個“我告訴你我做錯了什么，你也要說你做錯了什么”的命題。更不能要求對方“我認錯，你接受我”。你道歉的唯一目標就是讓你的伴侶能夠聽進去你在說什么，當然心存被原諒的愿望是好的，只是你不能把這個當成必然結果去看待。
Step 5: Say, "I'm sorry."
第五步：說“對不起”
You may be thinking that you are very, very sorry. You may have admitted to all your wrong doings. You may have asked for forgiveness, and you may have promised never to do it again. But your partner may still turn to you and say "You never said you were sorry." Don't forget to say you're sorry!
你可能覺得你真的做錯了；你可能也承認了你所有的過失；你可能請求被原諒、你可能也向他/她保證以后再也不會犯同樣的錯。但是你的伴侶任然指責你“你從來沒有對我說對不起。”不要忘了對他/她說聲對不起。
Studies about gender differences reveal that women tend to offer spontaneous apologies more than men do. Women are more likely to perceive things they have done as requiring the offer of apology, but men tend to see real and imagined wrongs as not deserving an apology, because they "weren't that big of a deal."
調查表明女性出軌后比男性更容易意識到錯誤而道歉。女性較男性更容易意識到自己犯錯了，之后向伴侶道歉。而男性會覺得自己的所作所為還沒到道歉的份，因為“這不是什么大不了的事。”
Not every affair gets splashed across international headlines, but mistakes do happen in everyone's lives. That's what apologies are for. Having an affair is a big mistake, and it healing requires a genuine apology. Then the rebuilding can begin.
不是每個出軌都能成為新聞頭條的，然而每個人都可能犯錯，所以我們要為此道歉。出軌是個很不應該的，如果發生了，一個誠摯的歉意是必須的，也許這個道歉的方式可以讓你的婚姻從新開始。
