Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

　　孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫們走路和說話。然后你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。

　　Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

　　你有什么不開心的?說出來給大家開心開心。

　　To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

　　意譯：竊鉤者誅，竊國者為諸侯。

　　Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

　　當我填表的時候，有一項是“緊急情況聯系：” 我填上了“醫生”，到時候我媽能幫上什么忙?!

　　God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

　　上帝一定倍兒愛SB，不然他造這么多!

　　The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

　　直譯：小孩子要中間名，純粹是為了讓他知道他啥時候真的有麻煩了。

　　直譯a：起個全名就為了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來。

　　意譯b：賈君鵬這名字就為了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯!

　　It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

　　跳樓的時候，“啊——”的時候還沒死， “啪!”那才是死了。

　　Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

　　人工智能從來敵不過天然癡呆。

　　Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

　　好客就是：讓客人覺得他們像在他們家一樣，盡管你真的希望他們滾回他們家。

　　With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

　　信春哥 ，得永生

　　Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

　　直譯：記著吧……世界要不惡心，我們早被吐掉了。

　　意譯：別抱怨了，這個世界要是真和諧了，我們這種人就不應該存在.

　　I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

　　我曾是個懷疑論者，現在我很懷疑這一點。

　　If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

　　直譯：如果你始終腳踏實地，那就別想穿褲子了。

　　意譯：人太老實沒法活。

　　You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

　　過了河也別拆橋，沒準你還要回來呢。