The Sight of Father's Back
Zhu Ziqing

It is more than two years since I last saw father, andwhat I can never forget is the sight of his back. Misfortunes never comesingly. In the winter of more than two years ago, grandma died and father losthis job. I left Beijing for Xuzhou to joint father in hastening home to attendgrandma's funeral. When I met father in Xuzhou, the sight of the disorderlymess in his courtyard and the thought of grandma started tears trickling downmy cheeks. Father said, "Now that things've come to such a pass, it's nouse crying. Fortunately, Heaven always leaves one a way out."

After arriving home in Yangzhou, father paid off debts byselling or pawning things. He also borrowed money to meet the funeral expenses.Between grandma's funeral and father's unemployment, our family was then inreduced circumstances. After the funeral was over, father was to go to Nanjingto look for a job and I was to return to Beijing to study, so we started outtogether.

I spent the first day in Nanjing strolling about withsome friends at their invitation, and was ferrying across the Yangtze River toPukou the next morning and thence taking a train for Beijing on the afternoonof the same day. Father said he was too busy to go and see me off at therailway station, but would ask a hotel waiter that he knew to accompany methere instead. He urged the waiter again and again to take good care of me, butstill did not quite trust him. He hesitated for quite a while about what to do.As a matter of fact, nothing would matter at all because I was then twenty andhad already travelled on the Beijing-Pukou Railway a couple of times. Aftersome wavering, he finally decided that he himself would accompany me to the station.I repeatedly tried to talk him out of it, but he only said, "Never mind!It won't do to trust guys like those hotel boys!"

We entered the railway station after crossing the River.While I was at the booking office buying a ticket, father saw to my luggage.There was quite a bit luggage and he had to bargain with the porter over thefee. I was then such a smart aleck that I frowned upon the way father washaggling and was on the verge of chipping in a few words when the bargain wasfinally clinched. Getting on the train with me, he picked me a seat close tothe carriage door. I spread on the seat the brownish furlined overcoat he hadgot tailor made for me. He told me to be watchful on the way and be careful notto catch cold at night. He also asked the train attendants to take good care ofme. I sniggered at father for being so impractical, for it was utterly uselessto entrust me to those attendants, who cared for nothing but money. Besides, itwas certainly no problem for a person of my age to look after himself. Oh, whenI come to think of it, I can see how smarty I was in those days!

I said,"Dad, you might leave now." But helooked out of the window and said,"I'm going to buy you some tangerines.You just stay here. Don't move around." I caught sight of several vendorswaiting for customers outside the railings beyond a platform. But to reach thatplatform would require crossing the railway track and doing some climbing upand down. That would be a strenuous job for father, who was fat. I wanted to doall that myself, but he stopped me, so I could do nothing but let him go. Iwatched him hobble towards the railway track in his black skullcap, black clothmandarin jacket and dark blue cotton-padded cloth long gown. He had littletrouble climbing down the railway track, but it was a lot more difficult forhim to climb up that platform after crossing the railway track. His hands heldonto the upper part of the platform, his legs huddled up and his corpulent bodytipped slightly towards the left, obviously making an enormous exertion. WhileI was watching him from behind, tears gushed from my eyes. I quickly wiped themaway lest he or others should catch me crying. The next moment when I lookedout of the window again, father was already on the way back, holding bright redtangerines in both hands. In crossing the railway track, he first put thetangerines on the ground, climbed down slowly and then picked them up again.When he came near the train, I hurried out to help him by the hand. Afterboarding the train with me, he laid all the tangerines on my overcoat, andpatting the dirt off his clothes, he looked somewhat relieved and said after awhile, "I must be going now. Don't forget to write me from Beijing!"I gazed after his back retreating out of the carriage. After a few steps, helooked back at me and said,"Go back to your seat. Don't leave your thingsalone." I, however, did not go back to my seat until his figure was lostamong crowds of people hurrying to and fro and no longer visible. My eyes wereagain wet with tears.

In recent years, both father and I have been living anunsettled life, and the circumstances of our family going from bad to worse.Father left home to seek a livelihood when young and did achieve quite a fewthings all on his own. To think that he should now be so downcast in old age!The discouraging state of affairs filled him with an uncontrollable feeling ofdeep sorrow, and his pent-up emotion had to find a vent. That is why even meredomestic trivialities would often make him angry, and meanwhile he became lessand less nice with me. However, the separation of the last two years has madehim more forgiving towards me. He keeps thinking about me and my son. After Iarrived in Beijing, he wrote me a letter, in which he says, "I'm all rightexcept for a severe pain in my arm. I even have trouble using chopsticks orwriting brushes. Perhaps it won't be long now before I depart this life."Through the glistening tears which these had brought to my eyes I again saw theback of father's corpulent form in the dark blue cotton-padded cloth long gownand the black cloth mandarin jacket. Oh, how I long to see him again!