評論
打印
I stuff some magazines and soda into a canvas bag and look around for Ike. I hear him running up the basement steps. He presents a scrap of siding that is covered in glue and cricket exoskeletons. The couple exchange glance. The inspector scribbles a note.
我把一些雜志和蘇打放到塑料袋里，看了一眼四周找艾克。我聽見他從地下室跑上來。艾克拿著一個帶著膠水和蟋蟀尸體的壞墻板上來。這對夫妻看了一眼對方。房屋檢查員不知道寫下了什么。
I crouch down to the floor and touch Ike's cheeks. You're brave, I say. Thank you. Ike grins. Together, we can make a solid grilled cheese, prune shrubs, clean house. Together, maybe we're the housewlfe this house needs. Maybe our best life is here.
我摸著艾克的臉說，你真勇敢，謝謝你。艾克笑了一下。在一起，我們可以一起做奶酪，一起修剪灌木，一起打掃房間。在一起，我們也許就是這個家里需要的家庭主婦。也許我們最好的生活就是在這個家里。
A week before she left for the nursing home, we packed my mother's belongings-robes, slippers, and lotions that could do little good for her sagging face. Her diminished vision made it hard for her to read the labels on the boxes.
在媽媽去療養院的前一周我幫她打包行李。她的長袍、拖鞋，還有對她下垂的臉部肌肉有點好處的乳液。她的視力已經差到看不清盒子上面的標簽了。
I held up various little souvenirs for Mom's approval.
我拿起了各種各樣的紀念品問媽媽。
Take or toss? I asked.
留著還是扔了？我問。
Mom sat in her recliner. She wore a light blue dress she'd made herself. The fabric was so worn it was nearly transparent. Carnie rested comfortably on her shoulder. I worried that his talons would break her thinning skin, but she moved as if she hardly noticed his weight.
媽媽坐在椅子上，穿著她自己做的淡藍色長裙。衣服洗了太多次好像都要透明了。卡尼在她的肩膀上舒服地休息。我擔心他的爪子會弄傷媽媽瘦弱的肩膀，但是媽媽躲開了，就好像她從沒關注過他的體重一樣。
Toss 'em, she said.
扔了吧，她說。
I began to wrap her glassware in newspaper.
我開始用報紙把她的眼鏡包起來。
Make sure to leave plenty of print for lining Carnie's cage, she said.
給卡尼的籠子多留點報紙，她說。
My mother cupped Carnie with both hands and brought him to her lap. She crossed her legs, then scratched the finger-wide point between Carnie's wings. His eyes, like little black seeds, fell to half-mast as she stroked him. They were accustomed to each other. He was more familiar with her voice and touch than I, more dear to her everyday existence.
媽媽用兩只手把鸚鵡放到了腿上。她把腿交叉，把手放在了卡尼的翅膀上。他黑種子似的眼睛在媽媽摸他的時候瞇成了一條縫。他們熟悉彼此的存在了。他更熟悉我媽媽的聲音和觸摸，更喜歡她每天都在。
Don't call here again, he said. Don't call.
別再往這打電話了，別打了。卡尼說。
Remember, I told my mother. I'm not obligated to look after that bird.
我跟媽媽說過，我沒有義務照顧這只鸚鵡。
Well, she said. I'm not obligated to look after you.
媽媽說，我也沒有義務照顧你。
You are, i'd thought at the time, her splinter in my chest. You have to be.
你有，我當時想。她的話把我的胸膛都撕碎了。你不得不。
In that moment, I withered. I hated her for her coldness, her stubborn rationale, her ability to come up big in a fight even when she was dog-tired and bird-boned and couldn't see the food on the end of her fork.
在那一瞬間，我完全手足無措了。我受不了她的冷淡，受不了她不依不饒的據理力爭，以及她那種即便已經精疲力竭，瘦骨伶仃，連自己刀叉上的食品都看不見的情況下，仍然能夠挺身迎戰的樣子。
There she sat, outmoded in her homemade dress, bird in her lap, shit on her shoulder. Steamrolled by the world but in the face of defeat, she threatened us all.
她坐在那里，穿著她自己做的式樣已經過時的衣服，膝上停著鳥，肩上落著鳥屎，這個世界已經越過她奔馳而去，但是面對失敗，她仍然傲然挺立，讓我們滿懷敬畏。
Carnie moved back to her shoulder and buried his head into her thin hair. It occurred to me that with her voice inside of him, he would always have more of her to remember.
卡尼又到了肩膀上，把頭埋在了媽媽的頭發里。我突然感覺他身體里帶著媽媽的聲音，他比我有更多用來懷念媽媽的東西。
You don't want to keep these? I asked, giving her a second chance on a box of photographs.
你不想要這些？我問，給她第二次機會來決定要不要一盒子的照片。
My heart, she'd said. I can turn it off.
我的心已經可以休息了，媽媽說。
For years, I'd believed her.
很多年，我一直相信她。
But I know the truth now. What maniacs we are—sick with love, all of us.
但是現在我知道了真相。對于愛，我們都是偏執狂，因愛成疾。
