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On our second date, Ike's father showed me a video of an infant in Andhra Pradesh. The child had rich brown skin and curious eyes. He pulled himself across a grass mat while a cobra, hood spread, hovered above the boy's soft body. The baby grabbed after the cobra's tail while the toothless snake struck him repeatedly on his downy head, snapping down upon his body like a whip.
在我們第二次約會的時候，艾克的爸爸給我看了安得拉邦一個新生兒的視頻。視頻里的孩子有著古銅色的皮膚和一雙好奇的眼睛。他趴在草地上，一條沒有牙的眼鏡蛇盤在他身上。孩子抓著蛇的尾巴，而蛇像鞭子一樣一直打他毛茸茸的頭。
This, Ike's father said, is how you cultivate the absence of fear. Don't you wish someone had given you that gift?
這個就是怎么鍛煉克服恐懼的方法。你有沒有希望過自己也沒有恐懼？艾克的爸爸說。
Fear keeps me safe, I said.
因為有恐懼我才活到現在，我說。
Snakes. Why do I think of these things before I try to fall asleep?
蛇，我也不知道為什么要在睡覺的時候想這些東西。
I put one arm across Ike's chest so that I will know if he moves. I can feel the pattern of his breath, the calm and easy way he sleeps, the simple way he dreams.
我把一只胳膊放在艾克的胸前，這樣我就能知道他動沒動。我感覺得到他呼吸的頻率、他安穩的睡眠和簡單的夢。
When I moved out, Mom had said. I need you to take Carnie.
當我決定搬走的時候，媽媽讓我帶著鸚鵡一起走。
It was the hundredth time she'd asked. We had her bills and bank statements spread out on the coffee table. Her eyesight was failing and we knew she couldn't live alone much longer. It was time to plan.
這已經是第一百次她這么問了。我們把她的賬單和銀行對賬單都鋪在咖啡桌上。媽媽的視力越來越不好了，我們都知道不能讓她自己生活太久。所以是時候為卡尼打算了。
Carnie hung upside down in his cage. Empty seed casings and shredded newspaper littered the floor. Occasionally he pecked his image in a foil mirror, rang a bell with his beak.
卡尼懸停在籠子里。空瓜子殼，碎紙片掉了一地。偶爾他對著錫紙啄自己，或者用嘴弄弄鈴鐺。
I don't want the bird, I said. He hates me. He's drawn blood, for Christ's sake.
我不養，他討厭我。他得要了我的命，我說。
If you loved me, Mom said, you'd take him. I can't sleep without knowing he's safe and taken care of.
如果你愛我就養他。要是不確定他過得好我肯定睡不好覺，媽媽說。
That's what you get, I said, for buying a bird with a life expectancy longer than your own.
這就是你買一只肯定活得比你長的鳥的代價，我說。
You know, she said. Then she stopped, as if she were afraid of what she'd say next.
你知道，沒說完媽媽就停下了，好像害怕接下來要說的。
I'd always felt Mom's vision of perfection was outdated. I was never the ruddy-faced, pure-of-heart Girl Scout that she'd been. I failed home ec and took a liking to underground hip-hop and traveling jam bands. Dyed my hair blue one high school summer. In college got a tattoo of a purple bear on the back of my neck, which had infuriated Mom when she saw it.
我一直感覺媽媽的想法早就過時了。我永遠不能像她在做童子軍的時候那樣容光煥發天真可愛。我沒通過家政考試，喜歡地下嘻哈音樂。高中暑假的時候把頭發染成了藍色。大學的時候在脖子后面文了一只紫色的熊。媽媽看見的時候差點沒氣死。
In Mom's eyes, atonement was more than surfacing from the typical throes of adolescence and early scholastic failures. Atonement included my adoption of a bird I'd hated for over a decade.
在媽媽看來，我要真想悔改，光是擺脫青春期的那些典型的叛逆和早期學習上的失敗還不夠。真要悔改，還必須把我十年多來一直討厭的鳥接過去好好撫養。
I don't trust the bird around Ike, and I can't handle the mess, the noise—
我怕鳥在艾克身邊會傷著他，而且我也受不來他的籠子和叫聲。
Mom was silent. I'll give Carnie to the plumber, Mom said, collecting herself. He's always liked Carnie.
媽媽安靜了一會。我把他給水管工吧，他一直挺喜歡卡尼的，媽媽說。
I wish I could take him, I said.
我也希望我能養他，我說。
Lying doesn't help, Mom said.
別說謊了，媽媽說。
Even before I see it, Ted's Roadside Zoo depresses me. We park outside. The entrance is a plastic lion's face. We walk through its mouth.
還沒等我看見鸚鵡，我就對泰迪路邊動物園失望了。我們把車停在了外面。動物園的大門是一張塑料的獅子的臉。
The place smells like pee, Ike said.
這里聞起來像廁所，艾克說。
