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Mom sat in a brown leather recliner, Carnie in his white lacquered cage a foot away from her-almost always within sight. She was losing weight and I worried she wasn't eating well. I brought cartons of cottage cheese and chicken salad, only to find them spoiled the following month.
媽媽坐在一個棕色皮斜躺椅上。卡尼就在離她一步不到的白漆籠子里，基本就在她眼皮底下。她越來越瘦了，我擔心她不好好吃飯。我買了奶酪和雞肉沙拉，但媽媽根本不吃，最后都壞了。
Are you trying to sell my house? She said. Are you giving realtors my number? They're' calling with offers.
你要賣我房子？你給房屋經紀人我的電話了？已經有人來報價了。她說。
There's a shopping center going in next door, I said. This may be your chance to sell.
旁邊正在建一個購物中心。也許房子更好賣了。
I placed Ike in her arms.
我把艾克放在她懷里。
It's not hard to lose the baby weight, Mom said, eyeing my waistline, if you try.
其實減掉懷孕時增加的體重不難，看看我的腰圍，你也能，媽媽說。
I was determined not to fight back. There was heat between us, long-standing arguments we could still feel burning. Shouldn't we sell Dad's tools? Should she go to the eye doctor? Who would care for hergoddamned bird? Didn't know how hard they'd worked to give me the right opportunities? Our disagreements were so sharp, sointense that we'd become afraid to engage with each other, and when we stopped fighting, we lost something.
我決定不還嘴。我們倆總是不停地吵架。我們是不是該賣掉爸爸的工具？她是不是該去看看眼科醫生？誰來照顧這只該死的鳥？難道我不知道抓住正確的機會？我們倆的分歧太多了，以至于我倆都不敢和對方待在一起。每次我們吵完了，都感覺失去了點什么。
You're like your father now, she said. You never get mad, even when you wat to.
你現在越來越像你爸爸了。雖然特別生氣，你也從來不輕易發火，她說。
It was true-Dad was hard to anger even when I'd wasted $15,000 of his hard-earned money my freshman year of college at a private school they couldn't afford. The night I came home for the summer, he'd sat with his hands in his lap and a look on his face that was more sad than disappointed. Mom stood behind him, silent and threatenin. I knew later she'd berate him for taking it easy on me, and I hated her for it.
爸爸確實不愛生氣。即使我在他們根本負擔不起的私立大學里上學，并且第一年就花光了爸爸辛辛苦苦掙的15000美元。那年暑假我回家，看見爸爸坐在那，手放在腿上，他的臉上不是失望，更多的是傷心。媽媽在他身后，什么也沒說，一臉凝重。我知道她抱怨爸爸太不嚴格管教我，因為這個，我恨她。
I guess you'll need to get a job, he said.
我想你得去找個工作了，他說。
Dad, I said. I made a lot of mistakes this year—
爸，我知道我這一年犯了好多錯誤。
I wanted to give you good chance, he said, looking down at his fingers.
我想給你一個好機會，他說，低頭看著他的手指。
I remember feeling relieved that he' yelling at me. Now I wish he had.
我當時還很慶幸他沒沖我喊。但是現在我希望他把不開心都說出來。
I'd do it again, he said. But you understand, there just isn't enough money.
我想供你讀大學，但是你得明白，我們沒有那么多錢，他說。
I tortured myself imagining each of his hours. He worked at the same plant for twenty-six years making industrial-quality tools-hammers, chisels, clamps. Every day he ate a cold lunch on bench caked with pigeon shit. I could almost hear the echoes of men moving and talking, their spoken lives bouncing from the plant rafters as their hands worked. The black hole of his effort, the way it would never be enough, or easy-is hung over me, a debt I couldn't pay.
我一想到爸爸每天的生活就感覺是種折磨。26年來他一直在一個車間里做工具，錘子、鑿子、鉗子。每天中午在一個都是鴿子屎的凳子上吃涼飯。我甚至能聽見工人走動和聊天的聲音。他們一邊談著有的沒的話題，一邊工作。可是無論他怎么努力都養不起每天宿醉的我。我欠爸爸的永遠也還不清。
Mom ran her fingers over Ike's cowlick I emptied the trash can in the kitchen, then the living room.
媽媽弄著艾克的頭發，我把臥室和廚房的垃圾桶倒了。
