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在本期四六級考試專欄中，全國四六級考委會的夏國佐教授對讀者題為"What electives to choose"的作文進行了講評和改寫。這是2007年12月份四級考試作文題目。按照四級作文評分標準，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得8分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點評，請按下面要求寫出一篇短文，發到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled "What electives to choose". You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1．各大學為學生開設了多種多樣的選修課 2．學生出于各種原因選擇不同的選修課
3．以我自己為例……
讀者原文
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose in universities, ranging from arts to zoologies. As for me, I took a harmonica (口琴) to play in this semester.
I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I felt dull in learning English, I took up the harmonica playing for a while, and all the uncomfortable feelings went away.
One of my roommates chose Japanese as her elective course. She told me that Japanese will be useful in the future, which can make her resume looks like more acceptable.
It’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizons. As the saying goes: You can’t have the cake and take it." We shouldn’t ignore the major we are studying while immerse ourselves into the pleasure of elective courses.
修改后的文章
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose from at my university, ranging from art to zoology. For instance, I took a course on the harmonica this semester.
I think the elective courses give me a feeling that I can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I’m bored with learning English homework, I take out the harmonica and play for a while, and immediately all my uncomfortable feelings will go away.
One of my roommates chose to take Japanese as an elective. She believes the class will prove useful to her career. After all, a second language can make her resume look more attractive. But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest.
There’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizon. However, as the saying goes, "You can’t have your cake and eat it, too." We shouldn’t neglect the major courses we are studying while immersing ourselves in the pleasures we find in elective courses.
夏老師的點評
這篇作文寫得還算可以，作者基本上可以用英語表達自己的意思，看的人也能基本上悟出作者想表達的意思。缺點是文章組織得不是很好，看上去作者沒有仔細琢磨考試要求，沒有預先構思，考試*大而是信手寫來。從語言上看，作者的基本功不夠扎實，有些句子結構錯誤，有些地方用詞不夠準確，對英語的習語和搭配也把握不準。下面是幾點具體的修改意見：
1. 考試要求中的三點文章雖然都提到了，但是對第二點"學生出于各種原因選擇不同的選修課"表述不夠充分，只提到自己和同寢室一位同學的例子。所以在修改后的文字第二段末尾加了一句"But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest" ，這樣簡單地概括了選課的兩種類型，一種重實用，一種重興趣，以彌補原文內容上的不足。
2. 語法結構方面的問題
第二段第一句"I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses"中的"such"應當去掉。這句話中的"that"從句應該是一個定語從句，修飾名詞"feeling" ，不應該是"such…that"那種句型。
第二段第二句中的"I took up the harmonica playing for a while"應改為"I take out the harmonica and play for a while" 。原句中的"playing for a while"是一個現在分詞結構，只能做狀語，修飾"took up" ，表達的考試*大意思是一面拿一面吹，兩個動作同時進行。這顯然不是作者想要表達的意思。當然， "拿出來"應為"take out" ，而不是"take up" 。
第三段第二句中的"which can make her resume looks like more acceptable"建議改為"A second language can make her resume look more attractive" 。這里有四個問題。一是"which"引導的非限制性定語從句用得不對， "which"在這里只能指代前面的句子，如是，就講不通了。實際上這里說的是第二外語"Japanese" 。所以應另起一句，直接用"A second language"做主語。第二個問題是"make"這個動詞的賓語補語如果是不定式，應當用動詞原形，不帶"to"。第三個問題是"looks like"應改為"look" ， "look"是一個連系動詞，后面直接接形容詞做表語， "looks like"后面接名詞，例如: "What does you brother look like?"第四個問題是"acceptable"用得不準確，建議改為"attractive" 。
adj. 合意的，受歡迎的，可接受的
