Already spent your bailout money? Not to worry, the Grinder has Five Rules for living high on a low budget.

Most of the money-saving tips you read are pretty lame. You know, that Martlm Stewart/Happy Homemaker brush your teeth with baking soda” stuff. Do you really need someone to tell you that cooking at home is cheaper than going out, or that generics are cheaper than name brands? After exhaustively testing dozen of money-saving methods, including do-it-yourself dentistry and using an extension cord to steal electricity from the neighbors, the Grinder has come up with Five Rules you can really use.

5.Stop Driving Like an Idiot

Flooring the gas pedal, braking hard and flooring it again through traffic is the driving style of a moron. It wastes gas, will wear out the vehicle sooner, and ends up costing you big bucks in speeding tickets and insurance premiums. Also, driving that way makes you look like a teenage, zit-faced douche bag who thinks that having a lead foot makes him a big man. There is a time to drive fast, but it is not when anyone else can see you.

4.Buy in Bulk

Sure, times are tight and it’s hard to stockpile. If all your money is going to food, shelter and clothing, stocking up on cotton swabs just doesn’t have much appeal. But buying in volume at club stores like Sam’s and Costco will save you major bank, particularly if you only buy items you are absolutely sure to use. Avoid, for instance, the 50-gallon drum of Hot Tamales. You will only end up hating the candy you once loved. Toilet paper is a better choice. Barring a colostomy, as long as you draw breath upon the earth, there will never, ever be a time in your life when you will not need toilet paper, which is either scary or weirdly comforting, depending on your worldview. Granted, there is something awkward about approaching a checkout counter with, say，2,000 rolls of toilet paper in tow. People might think you have a hideous bowel disease or perhaps a fiber fetish. Either that or they’ll think you are planning a really awesome prank.

3Pay for Sex

As every man suspects in his dark little heart, getting sex from escorts is much cheer in the long run than bars and dating. Also, with an escort, you are considerably more likely to have sex.Considerably. Sure, patronizing hookers can give you nasty diseases and leave you spiritaally bereft, unable to truly connect with another human soul. So? These are tough times. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Yours might have to be intimacy.

2.Sneak Liquor into Bars, Concerts and Night Clubs

First, please note that sneaking booze into places that sell liquor is almost always illegala big liquor code violation. It is also vaguely immoral. If everyone did it, after all, the bars would go out of business. Also keep in mind that you might get busted; embarrassed in front of your friends, tossed out on your ass (literally), and possibly be roughed up by a steroid-addled bouncer with nothing better to do than take out his lifelong frustrations on your rib cage. That said, a $20 half-pint of vodka will get you just as buzzed as $100 worth of drinks at the bar.

1.Don’t Buy Crap

If you are a woman, and your home was not recently destroyed in a flood, fire or other natural disasters, there is at least one thing we can say about you, with no other knowledge of your life, and be sure that it is utterly and mcontrovertibly true: You already have enough shoes. Don’t buy more. Men can apply the previous statement to themselves. Just replace the word “shoes” with “hats'