I always had a place to go back and technically I wasn't a homeless comedian

I was still a student trying to be a comedian

And Emerson College let me do that

and nobody's more stunned than I was when I graduated

You know, this is the first time in my life I had ever finished anything

And I had to believe I could graduate college, oh my god, I could do anything

So what I want to do now is try to pass on to you

some of the things I've learned about show business

Here are 20 rules in no particular order

First rule pool of show business

Try not to get a regular job

When you have a regular job, you wind up acting like regular people

And if you graduate from here, you're not a regular person

Regular people have day jobs so they could pay for stuff

and paying for stuff means you have to go to work

and going to work means you'll have to skip the audition for the

part your friend got instead of you who is now a big star

Number two

Once you leave here, it'll take about four years to break into show business

think of that as your graduate school

You'll learn which agents are crooks

you'll learn which are nice people

you'll get rejected, you'll be liked too

You know, one casting director told me I could never work on television

because I had a face that would frighten children

So he suggested that I get my jaw realigned

and sent me to this plastic surgeon that he knew

and the surgeon said, yes, yes, we can fix your jaw

We'll have to break your jaw and then rehang it

and you'll be out of commission for a while, you will not be able to talk

I said, well, how long will I not be able to talk. He said about a year