我的怪奇新寵物
Well then, I suppose it all starts three years ago. It was the 15th of August, 2011. I received my A-level exam results and failed to get into the university of my choice. It's fair to say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was pretty darn low. So the irrational part of my brain decided that the only way to solve this problem would be to buy a pet. Not a normal pet, though. No, it needed to be something different, something exciting.
好吧，我想這一切都從三年前開始。那是 2011 年 8 月 15 日。我收到我的 A-level 測驗成績，且沒能進入我理想中的大學。可以說我替自己感到滿遺憾的。我心情該死的低落。所以我大腦不理性的那部分決定，要解決這問題只能買只寵物了。然而，可不是一只普通的寵物。不，牠必須要是個與眾不同的家伙、一個令人興奮的家伙。
So I went online and did a bit of research and came across this: a bearded dragon. It was perfect. I paid a visit to my local pet shop, located the reptile section, and found exactly what I was looking for. I exchanged the money—25 pounds and 50 pence, 25 for the dragon and the 50 pee for a leftover bag of wood chips. Buckled the box into the passenger seat, not daring to look inside, and returned home.
于是我上網并做了點研究，然后遇見這個： 一只髭頰蜥。它太完美了。我拜訪我家附近的寵物店，瞄準爬蟲動物區，然后恰恰找到我正在找的東西。我付了錢－－二十五鎊五十便士，二十五鎊買蜥蜴，五十便士買剩下的一袋木屑。把盒子用安全帶扣在副駕駛座上，不敢往里面瞥一眼，然后回家。
I always remember that moment placing the box on my desk and opening it up. It was glorious. He was perfect. I called him Sid. Over the next two years, a beautiful relationship blossomed between me and Sid. We did everything together. We went everywhere together. We were like two peas in a pod.
我永遠記得將盒子擺在我的書桌上然后打開它的那一刻。那真是太棒了。他很完美。我叫他“喜德”。接下來的兩年，我和喜德之間發展出一段美好的關系。我們什么事都一起做。我們到哪都在一塊。我們形影不離地像豆莢里的兩顆豆子。
However, inevitably, the day came back around when I had to resit my exams for university. By the grace of god, this time I passed, meaning that I would be off to university, and Sid... Well, Sid would have to go. He was given away to a loving family, whom I'm sure provided him the level of love and affection that we had shared over the past two years. But still, it was a sad day.
不過，無可避免地，我必須重新參加我的大學考試的那天回來了。蒙上帝恩惠，這次我考過了，代表我將會離開去上大學，而喜德... 嗯，喜德得離開。他被送給一個慈愛的家庭，我相信他們會給予他我們過去兩年來共享那種程度的愛和感情。但盡管如此，那還是個悲傷的日子。
I think about him sometimes. I wonder whether he thinks about me, longing for the days that we used to spend together. And then the realization hits me that he is just a dragon, and he's probably far happier living a life of dragon luxury with a fancy cage, a warm heat lamp, and all the carrots and cucumber he can eat.
我有時會想他。我想知道他是否想我，想望著過去我們混在一起的那些日子。然后我領悟到他只是只蜥蜴，而且過著蜥蜴的奢華生活他搞不好更開心，有一個高級的籠子、溫暖的聚熱燈，還有所有隨他吃的胡蘿卜和小黃瓜。
After that, things were never the same. I felt empty inside. A relationship between a man and a reptile was something that can't be matched. And I guess I needed to fill the void. So off I went again on my travels across the Internet, searching, scouring the web for a new soul mate. I was looking for something mean, exciting, impressive, thrilling, a life-long companion, and then, suddenly, I found the perfect match.
在那之后，一切再也不一樣了。我感到內心空虛。一段一個男人和一只爬蟲類動物的關系是一件無可比擬的事。我猜我需要填補那空虛的感覺。于是我又再次踏上漫游網路的旅程，查詢、在網上四處尋找新的靈魂伴侶。我在找某個出色、令人激動、令人印象深刻、令人興奮的，一個一輩子的伙伴，然后，剎那間，我找到完美的配對。
So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Herbert. Herbert is a tortoise at a ripe old age of one and he is a badass. Did you know that a tortoise has the same lifespan as a human, and in some cases, can live up to 150 years? That means that Herbert's dad lived through two World Wars. He didn't do anything, but he was there nonetheless.
廢話不多說，容我介紹你“赫伯特”。赫伯特是只已屆“一歲”高齡的烏龜，而他可是個超殺的家伙。你知道一只烏龜擁有和人類相同的壽命嗎？而且有時候，可以活長達 150 年？那代表赫伯特的老爸經歷過兩次世界大戰。他啥也沒做，但無論如何他就是在那。
Little Herbert is just a baby, but in time, he's gonna get bigger. At adult size, he'll be around 280 millimeters in length, weighing around 2.5 kilos. And he's a herbivore, so he likes grass, ferns, flowers, tree leaves, and fruit. But his favorite thing ever is a dandelion. Herbert loves dandelions. We keep this for a special treat.
小赫伯特只是只寶寶，但遲早，他會長得更大。在成年的尺寸，他的身長約會是 280 毫米，重量約 2.5 公斤。他是只草食性動物，所以他喜歡草、蕨類、花、樹葉，還有水果。但他最喜歡的東西是蒲公英。赫伯特愛死蒲公英了。我們把蒲公英留作特別獎賞。
But as is the same with any human, dandelions would never do. Dandelions can't hold your hand and kiss you good night and listen to your problems. Dandelions can't make your knees go weak and set your heart to flutter. So I figured that I don't need to be fair to get Herbert a Herbert, so here's Doris.
但就像任何人類一樣，蒲公英永遠滿足不了。蒲公英不能握著你的手、不能吻你道晚安、不能傾聽你的煩惱。蒲公英不能讓你激動到腳軟，還有讓你的心小鹿亂撞。于是我想我幫赫伯特找“一只赫伯特”是天經地義的事，所以“桃樂絲”就來啦。
Herbert and Doris are in love, very, very much in love. I'd like to think that one day they might have babies. But until then, it's just me and them. I'm excited for the future has in store for us, me and these two tiny tortoises. No one can ever beat Sid and I don't know if these two tiny prehistoric animals will ever be able to fill his jogging shoes. But I guess we have 100 years to find out.
赫伯特與桃樂絲相愛，非常、非常相愛。我很樂意想像有一天他們可能會有群寶寶。但到那時之前，就只是我和他們。我對未來等待著我們的事感到興奮，我和這兩只小小的烏龜。沒有人能夠打敗喜德，而且我不知道這兩只小小的史前動物有沒有可能取代他的地位(注一)。但我猜我們有一百年去找到答案。
注一：fill someone’s shoes 為“取代某人地位”；影片為求幽默，所以故意說成 fill his "jogging" shoes。
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