評論
打印
And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is,
父母常常面對的問題是
what do we validate in our children,
孩子在哪些方面值得肯定
and what do we cure in them?
哪些方面需要治愈？
Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,
有名的自閉癥專家，吉姆·辛克萊說，
"When parents say 'I wish my child did not have autism,'
"當父母說 '我希望我的孩子沒有自閉癥，'
what they're really saying is 'I wish the child I have did not exist
他們真正的意思是'我希望我的孩子并不存在
and I had a different, non-autistic child instead.'
而希望有一個沒有自閉癥的孩子.'
Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.
聽仔細了，當你們抱怨我們的存在，我們聽到的就是這個意思
This is what we hear when you pray for a cure --
你們祈禱奇跡出現的時候，我們聽到的是
that your fondest wish for us
你們衷心希望
is that someday we will cease to be
總有一天我們將不復存在
and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."
和我們長著相同面孔的陌生人將會取代我們，得到你們所有的愛
It's a very extreme point of view,
這是一個非常極端的觀點，
but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have
但它指出了一個現實，人們有自己的生活
and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.
他們不想要被治愈，或改變或消滅
They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.
他們希望，不管是誰，都能保有與生俱來的天性
One of the families I interviewed for this project
為了這個項目，我采訪了迪倫科萊柏德的家庭
was the family of Dylan Klebold who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.
迪倫柯萊柏德是，哥倫拜恩校園慘案的罪犯之一
It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,
我花了很長的時間，說服他們跟我對話
and once they agreed, they were so full of their story
他們同意了，有太多的故事
that they couldn't stop telling it.
一開口就無法停下來
And the first weekend I spent with them -- the first of many --
我第一次和他們共度周末，后來還有許多次
I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.
我錄了20多個小時的談話內容
And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.
到了周日晚上，大家都精疲力竭
We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.
我們坐在廚房里，蘇在做晚飯
And I said, "If Dylan were here now,
我說，"如果現在，迪倫還在這里
do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"
你們想要問他些什么?"
And his father said, "I sure do.
他的父親說，"當然
I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."
我想問問他，究竟為什么這樣做"。
And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.
蘇望著地板，思考了一會兒
And then she looked back up and said,
然后抬起頭來說，
"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother
“我會請他原諒，我不是合格的好母親
and never knowing what was going on inside his head."
從來不知道他的腦袋里，想的是些什么”
When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --
幾年后，我再度與她吃晚餐
one of many dinners that we had together --
那是我們曾經許多共同的晚餐之一
she said, "You know, when it first happened,
她說，"你知道，當事情發生的時候
I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.
我曾經希望我沒有結過婚，也沒有孩子
If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,
如果我沒有到俄亥俄州立大學，沒遇見湯姆
this child wouldn't have existed and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.
這個孩子就不會存在，這可怕的慘案就不會發生
But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much
但我覺得我太愛孩子們了
that I don't want to imagine a life without them.
我不愿想象沒有他們的生活
I recognize the pain they caused to others, for which there can be no forgiveness,
我承認他們對其他人造成的痛苦，是不可饒恕的
but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.
但我能寬恕他們對我造成的痛苦。"她說
"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world
"所以雖然我承認，如果迪倫未曾出現在這個世界上
if Dylan had never been born,
世界會更美好
I've decided that it would not have been better for me."
但我認為那樣對我并非更有好處
I thought it was surprising how all of these families had all of these children with all of these problems,
令人驚訝的是，這些家庭有這么多子女教育的問題
problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,
這些問題又是他們，常常不惜代價去避免的
and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.
但她們都發現養兒育女的經驗，很有意義
And then I thought, all of us who have children
然后我想，我們這些有孩子的人
love the children we have, with their flaws.
不管孩子如何，我們都疼愛無比
If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living room ceiling
如果帶著光環的天使，突然從客廳天花板降落
and offered to take away the children I have
提議要帶走我的孩子
and give me other, better children -- more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --
還給我一個更好的孩子，更有禮貌，風趣，友善，聰明
I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.
我會緊抓住我自己的孩子，祈禱殘忍地事情不要發生
And ultimately I feel
我最終明白
that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno
就如同我們在火焰中測試防火睡衣
to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,
以確保孩子手伸到爐子上時不會著火
so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences
這些處理特殊情況的家庭的故事
reflect on the universal experience of parenting,
反映了普世的育兒經驗
which is always that sometimes you look at your child and you think,
有時候你看著孩子，心里想
where did you come from?
你從哪里來？
It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --
盡管他們各自面對不同的境況
there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,
只有一些家庭有精神分裂癥患者
there are only so many families of children who are transgender,
只有一些家庭的孩子做了變性手術
there are only so many families of prodigies --
只有一些家庭出現神童
who also face similar challenges in many ways --
在許多方面也面臨著相似的挑戰
there are only so many families in each of those categories --
每個類別也僅有一些家庭
but if you start to think
但如果你開始思考
that the experience of negotiating difference within your family
那些處理家人間分歧的經驗
is what people are addressing,
是出現在每個人生活中的
then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.
然后你發現這是一個普遍的現象
Ironically, it turns out, that it's our differences, and our negotiation of difference,
諷刺的是，事實證明，正是我們的不同和我們協商彼此的不同
that unite us.
將我們連結起來
I decided to have children while I was working on this project.
當我做這個項目的時候，我決定要孩子
And many people were astonished and said,
很多人對此感到驚奇
"But how can you decide to have children
"你怎么能做出要孩子的決定
in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"
當你的研究是關于不如意的，且只進行到一半?"
And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.
我說，"我研究的不是那些不如意
What I'm studying is how much love there can be,
我研究的是，有多少愛可以給予
even when everything appears to be going wrong."
甚至當一切似乎，都是個錯誤的情況下"。
