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I got it. Here it is. The new Martha Stewart Living.
我拿到了，拿到了。最新一期《瑪莎生活雜志》。
I ran so fast, the librarian said,
我跑得超快，那個圖書管理員說
"Stop running in the library," and I almost said, "This is different. I'm stealing."
"不許在圖書館亂跑"，我差點就回他，"我不是跑著玩，我是偷書"。
Why are you still even looking through Martha Stewart living every month?
你為什么還每個月都看這本破雜志啊？
'Cause we might be mentioned in it. Martha said she hadn't forgotten about us.
因為她可能會在里面提到我們啊。瑪莎說她沒有忘記我們。
That's what my mother said, but I spent a whole day and night in that school parking lot.
我媽當年也是這么說的，最后老娘落得了在學校停車場等了整整一天一夜的下場。
Silver lining, I still know the whole rap part to TLC's Waterfalls.
不幸中的大幸是，我現在還會唱TLC樂隊那首《瀑布》的說唱部分。
Well, I'm still holding out hope we're in this, even though I've been hurt two months in a row.
我還抱著我們會在書中出現的希望，雖然我已經連續兩個月被傷透了心。
Oh, god, am I in an abusive relationship with a lifestyle guru?
天啊，我是不是跟一個指點生活的專家在談一場虐戀啊？
Okay, let's get this over with.
好吧，我們快快過一遍。
"How to make him love your salmon."
"如何讓他愛上你做的鮭魚"
"How to make him love your stretch marks." Hey, he just doesn't love you.
"如果讓他愛上你的妊娠紋"。拜托，他就是不愛你嘛。
Activia ad, activia ad, activia ad.
全是達能酸奶廣告，廣告，廣告
We get it, Jamie Lee. You poop lot.
我們知道啦，杰米·李。你消化好排便暢。
"Get your oven Martha-clean," "Max's something cupcakes". Scarf, scarf, scarf.
"讓你的烤箱有如大師般潔凈"，"麥克斯的什么小蛋糕"。桌布，桌布，桌布。
Wait, Max's cupcakes? You just said, "Max's something cupcakes."
慢著，麥克斯的小蛋糕？你剛是說"麥克斯的什么小蛋糕"嗎？
I did? Wow, my ears are so not used to anything good coming out of my mouth.
是嗎？我的耳朵還真不習慣聽進我嘴里說出來的好話。
There. There. Look. "Max's homemade cupcakes is a Williamsburg must-have."
這里這里，你看。"麥克斯自制小蛋糕是威廉斯堡必嘗好滋味"
What's this? What's my face doing? You're smiling, Max. No way!
這是什么，我的臉在干嘛？你在笑啊，麥克斯。不可能！
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's a blurb. Everyone, we got a blurb In Martha Stewart Living.
天啊，天啊，這是商品宣傳。各位，《瑪莎生活雜志》在幫我們做宣傳。
Can I get some more coffee?
能再給我來杯咖啡嗎？
Are you insane?
你瘋啦？
Hey, everyone. What's the excitement? Is it 'cause I'm here?
大家好啊。干嘛這么激動？是因為我來了嗎？
Sophie, look, Max's homemade cupcakes got a blurb in Martha Stewart Living.
蘇菲，快看，《瑪莎生活雜志》在幫"麥克斯自制小蛋糕"做宣傳哦。
Oh, that's funny, 'cause I got a blurb in New York Apartment Life.
真有意思，因為《紐約公寓雜志》也在幫我做宣傳。
Look. "Sophie's choice cleaning service -- they clean like their life depends on it."
瞧 "蘇菲的選擇清潔公司，她們為了生活做牛做馬，流血流汗"。
Well, that's not exactly the same.
那跟這個不一樣啦。
No, 'cause, look, I got three plungers. Yeah, but I didn't want to brag.
當然不一樣，瞧，我得到三個皮搋子。沒錯，我本來不想吹噓的啦。
That must be andy wondering if I'm coming over to have sex tonight. Could my life get any better?
一定是安迪問我晚上要不要過去滾床單。我的人生還能再美好點嗎？
Oh, my God. It could get better. There are, like, ten cupcake orders here.
天啊，還真能。我們有十個蛋糕訂單。
Birthday, baby shower, bris. Can we do a bris?
生日派對，新生兒派對，割禮。我們可以接割禮嗎？
Sure. I'll just make a little rosette foreskin and write around the outside,
當然，我做點玫瑰造型的包皮，然后在外面寫上，
"Congratulations on not terrifying women in 20 years."
"恭喜你，20年后不會嚇著女人了"。
