Mike: You're warm. Really really warm.
Maggie: Dwight, Dwight…
Dwight: In here Mrs. Seaver…
Maggie: No no no.
Dwight: I can't leave now, I'm winning.
Mike: Luke what do you say we open up the presents huh?
Dwight: This one is from me and Carol.
Abe: The complete works of Schopenhauer.
Dwight: I knew it…you already read it.
Abe: Even not in its original German.
Ben: All right, now mine.
Abe: Mega slime, hammer and sickle, the nurses?
Ben: Yeah, it's got their hit single, "turn your head and cough"
Abe: Can I borrow your walkman sometime?
Ben: Sure.
Abe: All right.
Jason: Hey, you wanna open ours next.
Abe: Hey my own walkman…thanks.
Jason: Happy birthday.
Maggie: Uh.
Jason: Hey are those the pearls I gave you for our anniversary?
Mom: No honey they are the real ones. Someone broke them and glued them back together with rubber cement.
Chrissy: Uh, open mine next.
Maggie: I'll be right back.
Chrissy: It's the whole family…that's you.
Abe: thanks, this is the best present I have ever gotten.
Chrissy: will you put it on your wall?
Abe: I'll do it right now, ill even move my Christina apple gate poster.
Chrissy: I made it off the refrigerator. Finally the big time.
Abe: Is something wrong Mrs. Seaver?
Mom: Oh no Luke, I'm just looking for an old ring my grandmother gave me, its usually right in here. The box was open; Chrissy must have been playing with my jewelry again. Luke, Barney wasn't in here at all was he?
Abe: Barney?
Maggie: Oh my god, what a horrible thing to say, I'm sorry. I mean I know just because he's homeless doesn't mean he would steal.
Abe: That's ok Mrs. Seaver.
Mom: No it isn't and I'm very sorry. I mean Carol loves that ring. I bet she borrowed it to take it to England, how silly of me. Come on birthday boy. Let's go back down stairs.
Abe: I'll be down in just a second, I'm just gonna hang this up.
Mom: Ok.
Mike: You got three words, third word is….uuuhh…sounds like….Big!
Ben: Hugh!
Chrissy: Hair.
Dwight: Big huge hair, a dolly parton movie.
Ben: If it was a dolly parton movie it be big huge…
Jason: Ben!
Ben: Ok, ok, sounds like hair….
Dwight: Oh hair stair, old contrair, smoking hair….Sunny in chair!!!!
Chrissy: Time!
Jason: Already? It was truth or dare. And you wait until it's your turn Dwight.
Ben: All right, my turn.
Mike: Planet of the apes. Sorry, just popped out.
Jason: Moving…
Mike: You are stealing, you are a robber…
Jason: A layer.
Abe: Thief. To catch a thief.
Everybody: All right!
Abe: Hey Barney it's getting a little chilly in here, want to help me go start a fire?
Barney: Sure, where do you keep the trash can?
Chrissy: My turn.
Ben and Mike: No no.
Mom: No, come on, it's only fair that Chrissy gets her turn.
Ben: Come on she always reads them wrong. Last time we spent half an hour truing to figure out the sound of mustard.
Barney: Boy, you could cook a lot of potatoes with that…
Abe: I want the ring you took out of Mrs. Seaver's jewelry box.
Barney: Not that again, I told you I was just looking around.
Abe: I want the ring.
Barney: No.
Abe: I don't believe this, how could you just steal something like that?
Barney: Well, it's to feed my addiction. I'm going through a food withdrawal.
Abe: But how could you do it to the people who were nice enough to take me in? Hey you don't need that ring; you do fine playing 3 card Monty.
Barney: Hey come on, there probably wondering where we are…we could have chopped the whole tree down by now, let's go.
Abe: Don't make me call the cops.
Barney: I don't believe you. You stand there in those designer clothes, and now you tell me it's wrong to steal? What do you think is going to happen to you when you turn 18? They got four kids. Think they are going to get you a car? Think that they are going to send you to college? Two years from now, you are going to be back out on the street. Your not one of them, you're one of us. You know it, and I know it. And that's why your not going to call the cops, are you?
Abe: No.
Barney: Abe, come on, I don't like to see you like this. I'll tell you what were going to do. We will play 3 card Monty for the ring. And maybe you can win it back from me fair and square.
Abe: What's fair about that? You always win.
Barney: I'll up the odds. I'll give you three tries. Find the queen just once, you get the ring.
Abe: And if I don't?
Barney: I get to eat regular for a few months.
Abe: No, I can't gamble with you for Mrs. Seaver's ring.
Everybody: Uh, big nose…big nose, bob hope, Barbara Streisand…
Mike: Pinocchio. Yeah, I got it.
Jason: Wait a minute, this says dangerous liaison.
Chrissy: I like Pinocchio better.
Barney: Well folks, I hate to eat and run but I got to get back into town.
Abe: Hey Barney, I thought we were going to play a little three card Monty.
Barney: You wanna play?
Abe: I said so.
Barney: Well, all right.
Maggie: Oh good.
Ben: Oh no offense, but my money is on Barney.
Jason: Me too.
Barney: Ok, once upon a time there was a sleeping beauty, and a handsome prince had to open the right door, to wake her with a kiss. Sorry, wrong door. Find the queen, where's she hiding, upstairs downstairs, in my lady's chamber? Tough luck kid, try again.
Mike: Face it Luke, you said it yourself, nobody can beat this guy.
Abe: I choose this one, because if this is the two, and this is the seven, then this must be the queen.
Everybody: Hey, all right, yeah.
Maggie: So if everybody is finished playing games, in the kitchen. Everyone except Luke.
Jason: I'll get the forks.
Mike and Ben: Right.
Dwight: I'll get the plates and the cream corn.
Barney: You knew the whole time?
Abe: Actually I really thought you were the worlds only honest three card Monty player.
Barney: Yep, here's your ring. Hey look, kid it's part of life on the street. See there comes a time when you have to put your priorities at work.
Abe: That still doesn't change the fact that this kind of stuff is wrong. Hey, why don't you get a job, you know? Start over.
Barney: That's easy for you to say, I don't exactly have the look the employment agencies want.
Abe: Here.
Barney: What's this for?
Abe: Something to remember me by.
Barney: Hmm, this should impress the guys. Mind if I…
Abe: Go ahead and pawn it. It should get you a few weeks downtown and some food. Hey, and some clothes for job interviews.
Barney: Thanks Abe. Take care of yourself, happy birthday.
Everybody: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Luke, happy birthday to you.
Jason: Did Barney leave already?
Abe: Yeah he just left.
Maggie: Well come on birthday boy, blow out your candles.
Abe: Oh no thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
Jason: Something wrong?
Abe: No.
Dwight: Oh, I know what it is. I always get depressed after parties, the balloons start to deflate, the guests all leave, water picks all get put away…Excuse me; I have something in my eye.
Maggie: Oh come on its not over yet, Luke you haven't even finished opening your presents.
Abe: Yes I have.
Jason: Not this one.
Abe: Well, what is it?
Jason: That's a savings bond, for college.
Abe: You guys don't have to do this for me.
Jason: Well we didn't do it because we have to Luke, we did it because you are part of this family.
Maggie: Happy birthday.
Everybody: Happy birthday Luke.