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Maggie: Hey are you sure you and Mike can't stay for dinner? I'm making a figment: Lettuce!
Kate: That's really sweet Mrs Siever but Mike and I have tickets to the Nut Cracker tonight.
Maggie: The Ballet? Does Mike know they don't sell peanuts and you can't do the wave?
Jason: Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, ho ho ho. Guess what they've got down at Mary's Trees Trees Trees.
Maggie: I have to go trees?
Jason: They're better than any trees, these are twelve-foot noble firs, for only eight dollars.
Maggie: Eight dollars?
Jason: Well, previously owned.
Maggie: Jason we are not gonna get a big tree this year because you know how you get when you decorate it.
Jason: Jolly?
Maggie: Ho-ho-homicidal! Having everything your way! So this year we're gonna try something new.
Jason: Maggie, that's not a tree, that's Parsley!
Chrissy: Does a little tree mean little presents?
Maggie: Ho sweetheart, you know how much you care about saving the Earth? Well, after Christmas we can plant this tree and save it, too.
Chrissy: All year long, I care about Earth. At Christmas, I care about numero uno!
Mike: Ok, Katie, you ready to see the Nut Cracker?
Jason: Mike, you're going to the Ballet?
Mike: It's a ballet?
Carol: Yes, I am upset, and do you know why? Dwight Halliburton has just stood me up!
Carol: I trusted him and now my heart is cleft in twain.
Mike: Well I hope your twain will be leaving soon on a very long twip.
Kate: Mike, how could you do that to her when she is so upset?
Mike: Oh, Kate, she's just always like that. It's just who she is: Carol-yes-I-am-upset-Siever!
Kate: Well, could not you go and talk to her? For me?
Mike: Wa-el, okay.
Jason: Ouh, that boy is sm-itt-en!
Maggie: That boy is wh-ipp-ed!
Mike: Hey Carol, what are you doing?
Carol: Alphabetizing the bookshelf! I'd ask you for help but I'm too busy to train you.
Mike: I realize you don't wanna tell me about your stupid problem right?
Carol: Dwight has a new research assistant named: Felicia.
Mike: I guess you do.
Carol: And tonight we had tickets to see Istvam Penderecki.
Mike: Istvam who?
Carol: He's a performance artist who screams obscenities at the audience while setting his hair on fire. That's his Christmas show
Carol: Does not matter because he won't be going anywhere because I hate Dwight Halliburton before he even loses over!
Carol: Dwight baby, come home to Mama! Sorry Sir! Kate, telephone!
Kate: Thanks.
Mike: Carol you know what your problem is?
Carol: You and I both come from the same loin?
Mike: No, you get involved with people who make you jealous!
Carol: Everybody gets jealous.
Mike: Not me, because I know how to pick that woman I can count on, you don't see Kate standing me up do ya?
Kate: Mike?!! Great news! I believe…
Mike: Huh?
Kate: It was my agent! I have been picked in the Sporting Man swimsuit edition. We shoot in Jamaica, next week. So I have to get fitted for my suit right away.
Mike: But Kate, ah, I was so looking forward to going to the Ballet?
Kate: Oooh, (smooch) I'll make it up to you.
Carol: It's A, B…
Mike: Anybody still interested in a couple of tickets to the Nut Cracker?
Chrissy: I am I am!
Mike: Ok, fifty bucks.
Jason: What about Kate?
Mike: Oh she had to leave. Her agent called; She got a job in the swimsuit edition of the Sporting Man.
Ben: The issue I live and die for?
Luke: Babes and postage stamp screen bikinis.
Jason: Boys, oh girl, I wanted to meet her last year, haha, I did. Chrissy, you wanna go to the Nut Cracker with your old man?
Chrissy: Yeah.
Jason: Okay.
Luke: So, uh, when is Kate doing this bikini shoot?
Mike: That' s next week in Jamaica.
Ben: Oh, I love to be the photographer on that job. I mean one guy all those babes?
Luke: Well, um, forget that! I'd love to be the guy who rubs on the coco butter!
Ben: Forget that, I'd love to be the coco butter!
Mike: Hey, why do not you guys run a roll in the snow? Well, that's no ordinary photo shoot.
Ben: Yeah, maybe, but if Kate was my girlfriend I sure would not let her go to Jamaica.
Maggie: Ben, your brother trusts Kate.
Mike: Yeah!
Maggie: I am appalled of you two. Kate's a professional. Now she can stand in the sun all oiled up in the briefest of bikinis, having her picture taken by some jet-set photographer without anything untoward happening. I am glad that at least Mike knows that.
Francis: When I was seventeen, it was a very good year…. What are you doing here?
Mike: You sent for me.
Francis: Ah, I understand you volunteered to drive the bus for this year's Christmas tree cutting trip?
Mike: Yeah, I thought it might be a nice chance for some inner city kid to experience Christmas. You know the snow, the silver bells, the mistletoe.
Francis: Forget that. Think Nunez with a Chainsaw! Siever, you don't have the seniority to do this on your own. If you insist on taking them on this trip, I'll be forced to go ith you.
Mike: Great, the more the merrier.
Francis: Siever, have I ever done you any harm?
Mike: Look, Mr. Tedesco, I'll level with ya, I need to find something to do this week while my girlfriend is outta town, see she is a model, and she is gonna be in Jamaica doing the swimsuit issue of the Sporting Man.
Francis: See, let me give some unsolicited advice: Catch the next thing smoking to Jamaica.
Mike: Well, Mr. Tedesco, Kate and I trust each other okay? We're in love!
Francis: Don't you know love is a state of insanity?? I myself married Mrs Tedesco because she had a body that would not stop. Shortly after I married her, it stopped…..Love!... Makes your judgement take a holiday. You, you think you are marrying a goddess; And you wind up with a walking bathrobe that reads the Tinsel town Tattler!
Mike: Look, Mr. Tedesco. I am darn sure that I know Kate… pretty well.
Francis: But do you know Nigel Done.
Mike: No. Who is he?
Francis: He is the chief photographer for the Sporting Man. He is an Australian with rugged good looks and an appetite for every lovely model he photographs.
Mike: How do you know all this?
Francis: I read in the Tattler. "The bathroom can be lonely place…"
Jason: Okay son. How does it look now?
Ben: Perfect.
Jason: Hehehe, aw, come on Ben, it's still crooked! That's at least two degrees off!
Ben: Looks straight to me.
Jason: Pretty straight does feed the ring here pal...
Maggie: How's it going guys?
Jason: Hey great, just full of Christmas spirit.
Ben: At least it's full of it all right.
Maggie: Oh, Jason are you starting it again?
Ben: Yeah, but how do you always take this so seriously?
Luke: Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be fun.
Jason: Luke, Fun does not just happen. Fun is a matter of exacting preparation.
All: Oh no.
Jason: Yeah but, Christmas is the one time that you want everything to be right. Cuz I know when those stocking are hung at a 42-degree angle and that reed's centered precisely on the door is gonna fill us all with utile joy.
Jason: Besides, a sloppy Christmas is nothing more than a ..
All: Groundhog Day with Denzel.
Chrissy: daddy, loosen up.
Jason: I am lose sweetheart, I just have a crooked tree, something's just out of whack here. Uh, I must have the screw loose.
Mike: Ooh, lying sonnets… Is it time for dad's Groundhog with Denzel speech?
Jason: Yea it is.
Mike: (snaps) Ah.
Carol: If anyone asked I am off to the library to get a good look at Dwight's hussy new research assistant Felicia.
Mike: Aw, Carol, you're gonna spy on somebody outta jealousy? It's completely infantile. Only pathetic fools do that.
Carol: So you wanna come?
Mike: Alright alright, go check out, check out the invitation, but let me be clear, if she is female, breathing, she is 2 of you.
Jason: Why do you need her like that, can't you see she is in pain?
Mike: Come on dad, she is jealous over Dwight?? Duke of Dork? Who's gonna be around him?
Jason: Felicia might?!! It's only natural, when people work closely together, they become attracted to each other. Right? Researchers and scholars, actors, directors.
Mike: Models and photographers?
Jason: Exactly! That, that's the hole in my fear, that's eh, the exception.
Kate: Ah, isn't this exciting?
Mike: Yeah, my first press party! Can I go home now?
Mike: Hehehe! Look at the lines in those pants, you think somebody might actually pay money for those babies?
Stranger: Tweed jacket? Can you believe he actually paid money for that?
Nigel: There you are, Kate, darling!
Mike: Darling?
Kate: It's the way people talk at these parties.
Kate: Nigel Done, this is Mike Siever.
(Smooches)
