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Nurse: Luke Power, the doctor will see you now.
Luke: She looks sick, take her.
Jason: Give us just a second. There is no reason to be scared.
Luke: Oh yeah the last time I saw a doctor you went poking around like a Turkish drug enforcement officer with an attitude.
Jason: Trust me pal, the doctor is your very special friend.
Doctor Slovakian: Let's go champ, don't worry; I haven't lost a patient since lunch.
Jason: He's kidding, he's kidding, the doctor's kidding. There you go, hey, hey. See, he hasn't seen a doctor for years that's why he is so…like you care. Wow, looks like Nixon's gonna resign.
Luke: Keep your hands to yourself you quack.
Jason: No problem, everything's under control.
Doctor Slovakian: Take it easy Ace.
Jason: Hey what's going on?
Luke: My very special friend just tried to choke me with a Popsicle stick.
Doctor Slovakian: It's a very normal examination, he tried to bite me. You settle down scooter or I'll have to call a Vet.
Jason: Hey, hey Luke, just so you can see an examination doesn't have to hurt, I'm gonna Doctor Slovakian do to me exactly what he would do to you ok...
Doctor Slovakian: Fine, unbutton your shirt sport. Whoops, got your nose, got your nose.
Jason: See Luke, I don't feel a thing, it's a piece of cake, easy as pie, everything's under contr…ouch. That wasn't a hurt ouch, it was just a tickled, ouch, because it felt so darn good, ouch, like those giants uh, ouch, quit poking me and stop taking off my nose.
Ben: What is a hernia anyway?
Maggie: Ben it's not something you want to talk about at the dinner table.
Mike: Basically dad's guts are popping out.
Luke: It was fine until the doctor started poking at it, coincidence, I think not.
Jason: Awe, Maggie you're serving honey glazed chicken, I can't eat a thing and you're serving honey glazed chicken.
Maggie: Oh, when I started cooking I didn't know you were going to have surgery tomorrow, what do you want me to do, serve them moldy left overs?
Jason: That would be nice.
Chrissy: Thinking of mine Daddy, I want a peanut butter sandwich.
Maggie: Chrissy you had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast and lunch today.
Chrissy: When you find a winner, stick with it.
Maggie: I don't have time to fight with you. Carol, make her a peanut butter sandwich.
Carol: But Mom she's acting like a spoiled kid, you need to take a stand.
Maggie: Ok, make her the sandwich but get out of my house.
Jason: Why me? Why now?
Mike: Dad it's alright, don't worry mom can make this chicken dinner another time.
Jason: Forget the chicken; Sunday is The Annual Psychiatric Association Black Tie Banquet.
Mike: Woo hoo, sure lucky you're missing this one Dad.
Jason: I wouldn't miss it for the world Mike, I'm organizing it.
Maggie: Oh, no you don't, the doctor said you could go to the banquet but you have to get someone else to organize it.
Jason: Uh uh, as event coordinator I get to introduce the guest of honor, who happens to be only one of the most important men in my life.
Mike: Videl Sassoon?
Jason: No, Doctor Alfred Bellows, my psychology professor, he tormented me, he browbeated me, made me feel like dirt, he was like a father to me.
Carol: And you finally get to honor him, that's really beautiful.
Mike: Oh, give me a break Carol; if I got to introduce one of my nut bar professors I certainly wouldn't bust a gut over it. Sorry Dad.
Carol: Common Mike, you're an actor, what if you got the chance to introduce Anthony Hopkins at a dinner?
Mike: Who?
Carol: Ok, Scott Bail.
Mike: Me, introduce Mister Charles in charge himself, wow.
Mike: Hey Dad.
Jason: Hey Mike, I got something I need you to do for me while I'm in the hospital.
Mike: OK, well don't worry about a thing Dad; while you're gone I'll smack Ben around at least once a day.
Jason: No, It's about the banquet on Sunday, you see with me sick, I got a big job for you.
Mike: Oh hey, rest easy; I'll cancel the whole thing.
Jason: Actually I was kinda hoping you'd make sure that everything got set up.
Mike: Ah gee Dad, I don't know, it's mid-terms and I'm gonna be pulling all-niters as it is just to figure out how to get out of them.
Jason: Come on, I got some phone numbers here, the hotel catering manager, the guy who does the decorations, that agent whose in charge of the string quartet, now can I count on you?
Mike: Dad you know me.
Jason: Yes, can I count on you?
Mike: Well, I guess I could but…
Jason: Thanks; hey that banquet means a lot to me, thanks.
Mike: (whistling sound) Ben, Luke, get down here.
Ben: Hey what's up?
Mike: Well guys, am, with Dad gone to the hospital he's got a big job for me and you guys are gonna do it.
Jason: Stupid bed. I hate these pillows too, they're just stupid, ah, stupid tray.
Maggie: Honey you seem a little anxious.
Jason: I'm not anxious Maggie; if I was anxious I would be complaining about every little thing. Carol must u breathe through your mouth.
Luke: You know, there's no reason to be scared, the doctor is your very special friend.
Jason: You know Luke, I really believe you are becoming part of the family, cause you're starting to tick me off.
Mike: Which reminds me, where is Ben?
Maggie: Oh Mike, stop that, your brother is very sensitive; he's probably wandered off so we wouldn't see how upset he is.
Ben: Thank you so much nurse, I think I'll have my sponge bath now.
Carol: I remember the last time I was in a hospital was when I had my tonsils out, when the doctor gave me the ether he said, "You're the prettiest little girl I've ever seen."
Mike: Carol you were clearly hallucinating.
Doctor Whiteside: Hi I'm Doctor Whiteside, I'll be doing the surgery.
Maggie: Oh hi.
Doctor Whiteside: I want you to know the procedure's fairly routine so I don't expect any complication.
Jason: Excuse me, remember me, hello, the reason we're here.
Doctor Whiteside: Oh excuse me I need to administer this.
Jason: Me, me you can talk to me you know, me, me, me, me, me…
Doctor Whiteside: Hello Doctor Sever, How are we feeling today?
Jason: Oh we are feeling just fine thank you Doctor, except we wasted 45 minutes just filling out a bunch of dumb forms downstairs and then we sat in a little paper napkin with our cheeks to the wind, in a room the temperature of a hockey ring thank you, other than that we are just as happy as a….. Clam... bear... fish... frog... gribbet.
Maggie: Yes Jason, you're right Jason, I'll make sure the whole hospital staff is fired Jason. Sweetheart if you let me get off the phone I'll come and get you. Yes, we can't wait to have you home.
Mike: How's Dad? Still cranky?
Maggie: Let me put it this way, this morning the hospital Chaplin attacked him, by the way he wanted me to ask you how the plans for the banquet are coming.
Mike: Ah, the banquet?
Maggie: Um hmm.
Mike: Well I can honestly say that not one problem has come to my attention.
Maggie: Oh, he'll be glad to hear that.
Mike: Ok see you later. (Whistling sound) Ben, Luke, front centre. What's going on?
Ben: I'm teaching Luke how to shave.
Mike: Ben, come here.
Ben: What? Ouch!
Mike: Luke, don't ever let him come near you with a sharp object again. Alright, now listen, Dad wants to know how things are coming along with the banquet.
Luke: Uh, great, everything's great.
Mike: Ben?
Ben: You heard him, great. Ouch! OK, fine, We haven't done anything. We…we'll going to, but he shaving come up. Ouch!
Mike: Listen, no more excuse, You both get on that phone.
Ben: Ok fine, I'll call about the decorations and the entertainment, you call the catering manager.
Luke: Well what do I say?
Ben: You know...banquet stuff.
Luke: Ok one question, what's a banquet?
Ben: Living torture, you wear somebody else's clothes, eat cardboard food and some gas bag stands up and preaches about dead people.
Luke: Sounds like Sunday night at the soup kitchen, your dad likes this stuff?
Ben: Nobody does but its tradition.
Luke: Well if nobody likes it why don't we make a new tradition?
Jason: Maggie cut it out please, I'm not an invalid, I can do this myself, oh boy.
Maggie: Jason if you wanna go to this banquet the doctor says no work, no stress, no unnecessary movement and take your pain medication.
Jason: Maggie I'm not gonna dull my senses with pharmaceuticals because I'm just not in any pain, ooooh boy, that was a yawn. Mike.
Mike: Yeah Dad.
Jason: How are the plans for the banquet going?
Maggie: Oh no you don't, Mike get lost.
Mike: Uh, glad we had this time to chat Dad.
Maggie: Jason if you keep this up the only way you are gonna go to this banquet is on a stretcher; now take your pain pill.
