Chauffeur: I wouldn't worry about it kid; some nights I forget where I live too.
Ben: Hey, I know. Take me to my grandma Urma's apartment in Manhattan.
Chauffeur: Has she got a bathroom?
Producer: Jeremy, where've you been? The audience is here. We're all set for the show.
Ben: Look, you've got the wrong guy. I can't act!
Producer: It's OK, the writers can't write.
Ben: Hey, what are you doing? I can't act! You've got the wrong guy. I cannot act! Let me go!
Host: OK, who's from out of town? Oh, yeah, yeah...
Audience: Woo!!
Host: Hey, wait! Ladies and gentlemen, there's Ben Seaver, Jeremy Miller!
Producer: Look, a word to the wise kid; you screwed up today's rehearsal. Guess who's not
happy.
Director: Me.
Producer: Come on! Come on! I want you to get in that car and be funny, like your life
depended on it.
Ben: But I don't even know what's going on here.
Producer: Oh, God. You've been out joy-riding, you're sneaking in the house, your parents
bust you.
Ben: But I already been through that.
Producer: Good! Maybe you can play it then.
Ben: Wait a minute; this is how this whole thing began.
Producer: Meet the Seavers. Episode number one forty. Have a good show gang! In five, four,
three, two...
Ben: This is too weird. I keep forgetting, how old do you have to be to drive in this state?
Jason: Inside Ben, now!
Maggie: Move it Mister!
Ben: This is how this whole thing started.
Director: Come on Jeremy! Were you not supposed to exit to the kitchen?
Ben: That's right, I did do that.
Director: I am not amused.
Maggie: Jeremy, what's gotten in to you? Just...just you know, just like we rehearsed; just go
into the kitchen and wait on your mark.
Producer: In five, four, three, two!
Ben: What's a mark?

Jason: Joyriding in our car!
Maggie: Driving without a license!
Jason: Without insurance!
Ben: Errm...I am back before my curfew.
Maggie: Oh, Ben, we are very, very disappointed in you. What were you thinking of?
Jason: I also wore my seatbelt the whole time.
Ben: Right...I also wore my seatbelt the whole time.
Jason: That's it Ben, you're grounded! Go to your room!
Ben: Which way would that be?
Maggie: You don't really go, you apologise.
Ben: Oh right. Errm...I'm sorry. I know I screwed up big and I'll never do it again. You guys
know how hard it is to be a teenager.
Maggie: Ben, we love you very much; that's why we were just a little disappointed.
Jason: Oh, what the heck, we forgive you! How about roasting up your man a couple of
hotdogs?
Maggie: Oh, there is nothing else I would rather do. Oh, don't worry Spot, he said hotdogs!
Ben: What's with you people?
Jason: This is the freeze frame.
Ben: No, no, wait. But you would not accept my apology with a stupid hug. You'd ground me.
Jason: Stop moving. You're running the freeze frame.
Ben: I don't care about the freeze frame! Come on, this is all wrong! This is not how it's
supposed to be.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: What's going on? Did we change this bit in rehearsal or something?
Director: We most certainly did not!
Ben: In real life, this is not how it is at all.
Jason and Maggie: This isn't real life, this is television, Jeremy!!
Ben: Somebody, come on, you've got to help me please! I have to get out of here! I have to
get home!
Producer: Jeremy!
Ben: Is there anyone who can help me?
Producer: Come here.
Ben: You come here, please. I don't know you but you look like a real person, I...
Hans: Jeremy Miller everyone. He makes it just like real life!

Producer: Come here!
Ben: Get away from me!
Mike: Wow! Wow! Wow! Kevin! Kevin! I think I can help, just let me have a minute alone with
him.
Producer: Alright, Kirk, whatever you say.
Ben: Listen...
Mike: Shh. Come on, we can't talk here.
Ben: Look, whoever you are, I don't...
Mike: Ben, Ben, Benny, come on! It's me, Mike.
Ben: Mike! So, I'm not crazy!
Mike: Yes.
Ben: Wait a minute, how do I know it's really you? Mike, it is you!!
Mike: Yeah.
Ben: Come on, we have to get out of here, please!
Mike: Benny, Benny, come on. Be an adult. Now this is your world now.
Ben: Huh?
Mike: Yes. Ben, you're not crazy. OK, five years ago, I fell asleep instead of studying and I
have been trapped here ever since. Yeah, you wouldn't believe the stuff they've made me do.
Ben: There's no way out!
Mike: Don't you think if there was, I'd find one? Don't you think, I'd like to grow up a little on
the show? Act a bit more mature? Maybe even grow some facial hair! But no, they won't let
you! They own you!
Ben: Not me! Nobody owns me!
Mike: Hey, you can't escape! They know where you live! They built the set!
Security: I'll go this way. You and the dogs take the swamp!
Director: When you find him bring him to me. And if you can't find him, get me Fred Savage
on the phone. If you can't find him, bring me Urkel.
Director: Hi.
Director: This is the Director talking. Pay no attention to that man shouting in the microphone!
Ben: You're the great and powerful director! You're the guy everybody's afraid of! You're a
weenie!
Director: Please, don't tell. Please, please!
Ben: (with director's microphone) He's a weenie!
Director: Be quiet.
Ben: Man, I can't believe this; this is all phony...tricks! None of this is real!
Director: Look, I don't think you're getting the whole picture here, Jeremy.
Ben: Cut the act. My brother told me. I'm not Jeremy, I'm Ben Seaver.
Director: So you know. Well that doesn't change anything.
Ben: Yes it does! I want out.
Director: Sorry, no can do.
Ben: Why not?
Director: Well, if I let you out, I've got to let everybody out. Mike next and that little song a
dance kid.

Ben: But I don't want to be on TV. I want a real family.
Director: That's not what you said before.
Ben: When?
Director: Susan!
Susan: Page five, in the kitchen. I'll tell you what's wrong; I'm stuck here in the real world,
and not on TV.
Ben: Oh, no, I did say that.
Director: You certainly did.
Ben: And then I went to my room, and this whole nightmare started.
Director: Hey, it's not so bad, Ben. Let me explain how TV families work; you never have a
problem you can't solve in a half hour, you don't get sick, you never go to the bathroom... girls think you're cute and you always have something funny to say, thanks to, and this is our secret...the writers.
Ben: Hey, what are they doing to my room?
Director: Taking it down. If you're not gonna do the show, we gotta move on. Next week we
gonna do a very special... We could show a re-run.
Ben: I gotta get back there.
Director: Ben, I'm not finished talking to you yet.
Director: Stop him! Don't let him near his room! Stop him!

Ben: No, don't touch any of it. Back! Get away! Don't touch any of it! I'm gonna count to three,
then I'm gonna pull off the covers, I'm gonna be home, I'm gonna be grounded and I'm gonna
be so happy. One, two, three! Ah! No missing wall, no lights, no cameras, no weenie directors!!
Ha! Yes! I think I'll take the car out and celebrate! No, no, that would be wrong. Anybody do
you know who I am?
Carol: Someone I'd rather not be related to.
Ben: You admit we're related to! I love you.
Carol: Arrgh! Now I'm gonna have to shower again.
Maggie: Ben, what's gotten into you?
Ben: I've been thinking all night.
Jason: Good.
Ben: Yeah, I was wrong. The real world is much better than TV.
Jason: What? That's not what you're supposed to be thinking about. You're supposed to be
thinking about why you shouldn't drive.
Ben: I was?
Maggie: Yes Ben.
Ben: Well, I don't have to think about that. I knew it was wrong before I did it. That's why I
was sneaking in, but you guys don't have to get upset, you are welcome to punish me for it.
Jason: Oh, we will Ben, we will.

Ben: Great.
Jason: The grounding remains until further notice.
Ben: Deal.
Jason: The allowance is suspended for a month.
Ben: Super!
Jason: You will wash that car every weekend until you show some responsibility.
Ben: That's terrific.
Maggie: You're happy with all this!
Ben: Yeah, I'm just glad you're not kissing a man named Hans.
Jason: Hans!
Ben: And I'm glad you're not parades with Morgan Fairchild.
Maggie: Pardon me.
Ben: Look, I know this won't change a thing, but...I love you. I love you.
Jason: Who's Hans?
TV (Mike) Benny, Benny, help! Get me out of here. Benny, hurry, they're coming! Get me out
of here. Benny, come on, get me out! Quick, Benny...