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Ed: And my thanks to you my good man.
Taxi Driver: That's thirty four even.
Ed: I'll be right back.
Taxi Driver: Hey, if I knew I was going to have to wait, I wouldn't have turned off the meter.
Ed: I know. (In his head) Oh god give me strength. (Aloud) Alright, spread em clown!
Ben: Spread what? Grandpa Ed!
Ed: Ha ha Bennie. Listen; are you happy to see me?
Ben: Sure grandpa.
Ed: Are you thrilled to see me?
Ben: You bet grandpa.
Ed: Got thirty four bucks I can borrow?
Ben: Who are you?
Ed: Keep your pants on! Where are your folks?
Ben: In bed.
Ed: Well, well, well. If this isn't a pretty picture. Jaaason. Oh Jason.
Jason: Oh sweetheart.
Ed: No Jason! Get up!
Jason: No Mike, the machine gun. No. Ah Ed, what are you doing in my bedroom?
Ed: A more important question might be what are you doing with my daughter?
Jason: We are married.
Ed: Oh, you think that makes it ok. How about a little kiss for your dad.
Jason: Ah, ah, please, pelease, pelease!
Ed: Is he always this grumpy in the morning?
Maggie: I wish my dad told me he was coming. I don't have time to talk to him today. I don't
have time to breath today. I tell you, that he is up to something. Why else would he travel two
hundred miles without bringing my mum.
Jason: Hey Maggie, this is your mother we are talking about.
Maggie: Jason, my mum does not get on my dad's nerves. He stopped listening to her years
ago.
Jason: Well what do you think he's up to then?
Maggie: Oh I don't know, but somehow I know I am going to end up feeling guilty and then
I'm going to take it out on you.
Jason: I'll be working late tonight.
Ed: Oh, nobody makes blueberry pancakes like you do Margaret.
Maggie: oh those aren't blueberry pancakes.
Ed: Oh.
Jason: Oh, that was good. Very funny Ed. And such a good example for the little one.
Mike: Hey every body. What's so funny?
Ed: Mikey!
Mike: Hey Grandpa Ed!
Ed: How's the famous actor.
Mike: Good.
Ed: Have you done any love scenes with that Michelle Piefer yet?
Jason: Her name is Pfeiffer, Michelle Pfeiffer.
Mike: Why did nobody tell me that grandpa was coming over?
Maggie: None of us knew.
Ed: Ah, that's ridiculous. I phones yesterday. I wouldn't barge on in without called.
Jason: Come on Ed. You always barge on in without calling.
Ed: The hell I do. I left a message with Bennie, just like I always do.
Maggie: Always do!
Ed: Yeah.
Jason: So all these years you haven't been barging in?
Ed: I should say not.
Ben: Didn't I tell you guys?
Jason and Maggie: No.
Carol: Great. And after all those stupid messages we've taken for you. So, what else have you
forgotten to tell us?
Ben: Um, Mike, Julie called. She said the wedding's off.
Maggie: Dad, you still haven't answered my question. Why are you here?
Ed: No reason. Just a spur of the moment visit. I thought maybe we could sit around all day
and talk. You know, chew the fat and see what sticks to the wall.
Maggie: No wonder mum stayed at home.
Ed: What can we do first?
Maggie: I'm sorry dad, but you just picked a very bad day.
Ed: Well I thought maybe we could all go out for malts, hu?
Maggie: Oh dad, I've got this PTA thing and these two articles that are due next Friday and I
haven't even started them yet.
Ed: Say are you still crazy about hopscotch.
Maggie: Dad, dad, I can't. Are you listening? I really can't.
Ed: Alright. Go on. Don't trouble yourself over me. Go on about your business. Forget that I
am here. Forget that I flew two hundred miles. Forget that I took a cab. Forget that I brought
you into this world; put a roof over your head for eighteen miserable years.
Chrissy: You left out the part about carrying her six miles to the hospital when she fractured
he tibia.
Ed: Right. In the snowstorm.
Chrissy: With the three foot drifts.
Ed: Without any shoes on.
Maggie: Thank you Chrissy.
Chrissy: With a wild pack of wolves chasing you.
Ed: Playschool hu?
Maggie: Ah hu.
Ed: I guess having your kids raised by strangers beats having them raised by their own flesh
and blood mothers, hu?
Maggie: Daddy! Never mind.
Ed: That teacher there looked mighty young to me. Could they find somebody your age?
Maggie: Thanks dad. Dad look, I'm sorry this day is going to be so hectic; I just got to...Dad!
Dad, the car's over here.
Ed: Come sit down Margaret Catherine and enjoy this crummy day.
Maggie: Dad, I've got to get to the bank and I have this PTA thing and I still have those
articles to start.
Ed: You see that handsome young man over there with the bushy hair?
Maggie: Dad, are you listening?
Ed: The one pushing his daughter on the swing.
Maggie: Dad, I might as well give up.
Ed: Yep. Now say, does he remind you of anyone?
Maggie: No.
Ed: Someone you car about very much.
Maggie: No.
Ed: Someone you are very close to.
Maggie: No.
Ed: Someone you are very close to right now.
Maggie: Daddy, I do not have time for a guessing game.
Ed: Well then let me give you a hint. He is the spitting image of me when you were that age.
Maggie: Daddy, you never had bushy hair. You never had hair.
Ed: Damn it Maggie. Can't we have one stinking tender moment here?
Maggie: Ok. You had hair.
Ed: I'm not talking about the hair; I'm talking about the big red swing I used to push you on
in the backyard. Remember?
Maggie: Daddy, we never had a red swing in the backyard.
Ed: Ok, it was a crummy swing in the park, where all the gangs used to hold their knife fights.
Maggie: Well then why didn't you say so?
Ed: It was a memory. I was trying to make it nicer.
Maggie: Daddy, is something wrong?
Ed: Well we were supposed to be knee deep in nostalgia at this point. How was I to know that
you were going to be so rude?
Maggie: I'm being rude! Dad, who is the one who walked into the others bedroom when she
was lying with her husband?
Ed: Fishing.
Maggie: What?
Ed: Fishing would do wonders for those creases in your forehead.
Maggie: I do not have creases in my forehead. I mean, maybe a fine line or two, but definitely
not ...forget it. What about fishing?
Ed: Fine, shout at me when I have just invited you to go on a fishing trip.
Maggie: Dad, you didn't invite me to go on a fishing trip.
Ed: Of course I did. Why else would I bring up that fishing trip we took when you were six
years old? And drowned all my night crawlers.
Maggie: Daddy, you did not bring it up.
Ed: Maggie, just when exactly did you stop listening to me?
Maggie: Daddy, you did not bring it up.
Ed: See, you've got me so confused. Talking to you is worse than talking to your mother. I
don't know hwy I put up with either one of you.
Maggie: If either one of us is not making sense around here right now, it's you. Now you come
here, you expect us to drop everything and roll out the red carpet. You don't have a care ion
the world. You're retired.
Ed: I'm dying!
Maggie: To do what?
Ed: No, that's what I flew two hundred miles to tell you. I'm dying.
Maggie: What?
Ed: Just forget about it. You're busy.
Jason: Doctor Riley please. Doctor Seaver calling long distance. Yes thank you. I'll hold.
Carol: Chrissy, tap your queen.
Ed: Feeling good. Feeling ready. Still dancing.
Maggie: Look at him. He is totally oblivious to the worry he has caused me.
Jason: Yeah, doctor Riley. I'm Jason Seaver, I'm Ed Malone's son in law and we are a little
concerned about him. Uh hu.
Maggie: I got it. I got it. That is not a doctor. That number he gave us is just one of dad's
Crony's and this is just one big practical joke.
Maggie: Ha ha. Very funny, laugh till you sober up you bum.
Jason: Please, no, please go on.
Maggie: Why would he do that?
Jason: A full blood panel.
Maggie: And why isn't mum with him?
Jason: Cardiomeopathy.
Maggie: Why would he take a plane and a cab? He's cheaper than Jason.
Jason: No, thank you for being so candid with us. Bye. Honey um...
Maggie: He's dying?
Jason: I wish I could say something here.
Maggie: Oh no. no, there must be some mistake. He looks so healthy. We just need to get a
second opinion. We just...
Jason: Doctor Riley was the second opinion.
Maggie: He was?
Jason: Yes, see cardiomeopathy is a viral infection. It affects the heart muscles and at first it
is a mild angina. Then it develops into degeneration...
Maggie: I'll lose my daddy.
Jason: Sorry honey, I heard the doctor talk...
Maggie: Oh Jason I don't know what to do.
Jason: Well honey, what do you think he wants?
Maggie: What do you mean?
Jason: Well he's come all this way. It's for more than just to break the news to you honey.
There's something on his mind. What do you think it is?
Maggie: You know what? I don't really know my father well enough to guess.
