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What are you doing in there?” So shouts my wife after I’ve spent getting on for 40 minutes in the bathroom. “I’m, er, exfoliating,” I call back merrily, while walking my fingers along the pots and potions crowding the windowsill. Holy Saint Francis, as Friar Laurence puts it in Romeo and Juliet, what a change is here!
“你在里面折騰啥呢？”我在衛(wèi)生間呆了足足40分鐘后，我妻子在外大聲喊道。“呵呵，正在去死皮呢，” 我一邊用手找摸窗臺(tái)上堆放的各種瓶瓶罐罐，一邊愉快地回復(fù)道。就是《羅密歐與朱麗葉》(Romeo and Juliet)中勞倫斯神父(Friar Laurence)所說(shuō)的Holy Saint Francis這類東西，如今的化妝品可謂琳瑯滿目，真是今非昔比！
And not just here: men’s beauty products — moisturisers supposedly optimised for male skin and sold in butch-yet-metrosexual tubs in science-fictional silvers and blacks — have been undergoing a boom. According to Mintel, sales of men’s skincare products rose last year to £95.1m, up from £85.4m in 2012, and are forecast to reach £96.2m in 2014. Men also appear to be hell-bent on not just washing but “cleansing”, not just rubbing but “gently massaging”, on introducing the skin not just to water, but to a very superior scientific product called “aqua” And — that holy grail, that precise incantation marking the line where the marketing departments of cosmetics companies fought the Advertising Standards Authority to a standstill — on “reducing the appearance of wrinkles”. The comforting idea that, as men age, they become more attractive seems not to be endorsed here; anti-ageing is the thing. The holy trinity of Tom Ford’s bumf, for instance, is: “Deep clean, soothe and rejuvenate.”
不僅僅我家的衛(wèi)生間如此，男士美容用品銷售一直很火爆。這些自詡最適合男士皮膚使用的潤(rùn)膚霜，以科幻影片中那種銀灰與黑色的男性化都市美男形象銷售。據(jù)市場(chǎng)研究機(jī)構(gòu)英敏特(Mintel)統(tǒng)計(jì)，去年英國(guó)男士護(hù)膚品的銷售額上升至9510萬(wàn)英鎊，而2012年的銷售額為8540萬(wàn)英鎊，今年的總銷售額有望增至9620萬(wàn)英鎊。男士們似乎也不再滿足于單純沖洗，而是“徹底潔凈”；不再單純搓洗干凈，而是享受“溫情按摩”服務(wù)；不再單純用水沖澡，而是使用名為“aqua” 以及“能徹底消除皮膚皺紋”的高科技爽膚產(chǎn)品——即所謂“圣杯”?；瘖y品公司營(yíng)銷部門正是憑借這神奇產(chǎn)品來(lái)對(duì)付英國(guó)廣告檢測(cè)委員會(huì)(Advertising Standards Authority)。它們并沒(méi)有宣揚(yáng)這樣的“迷魂湯”：男人使用這款產(chǎn)品后，隨著年歲增長(zhǎng)，會(huì)越發(fā)帥氣之類，而是宣揚(yáng)抗衰老理念。就像湯姆•福特(Tom Ford)的產(chǎn)品宣揚(yáng)的那樣：具有三位一體的優(yōu)點(diǎn)：“深度清潔、輕柔舒適以及重?zé)ㄉ鷻C(jī)?！?/div>
My grooming regime used to consist of the following. Get into shower. Rub head and shoulders with Head & Shoulders, yodelling happily the while. Rub rest of self with Head & Shoulders too, owing to Boots not yet offering for sale a competitively-priced product called Armpits & Undercarriage. Step from the shower, dandruff-free from top to toe. Towel hair and body. Shave with slightly blunt razor and squirt of Gillette foam. Rinse face. Get dressed.
本人的美容行頭以前由以下產(chǎn)品組成：洗澡時(shí)，嘴里一邊愉快哼著小曲，一邊用海飛絲(Head & Shoulders)撓洗頭發(fā)及搓洗雙肩。由于Boots旗下一款名叫Armpits & Undercarriage的價(jià)廉物美的沐浴露還未上市，因此搓洗身體其它部分也使用海飛絲浴液。從頭到腳把頭皮屑沖洗干凈后，再用毛巾把頭發(fā)與身體擦拭干；在臉部抹上吉列剃須泡沫后，再使用稍鈍些的刮胡刀修面；最后用清水沖凈后，穿上衣服。
I appraise myself in the mirror from time to time, but not much. Like a lot of men, I am quite vain about my lack of vanity. This is a sore point with my wife, who has long campaigned against stubble and fluffy, product-free hair, but over the years, alcohol, and fags, and toughing out skin that chaps so much in cold weather that my fingers hurt when I type and if I smile, blood runs on to my chin . . . well, they’ve taken their toll. I’m 40. Spring chickens do not buttonhole me in the street with: “Mon semblable! Mon frère!”.
我時(shí)不時(shí)會(huì)站在鏡子前“臭美”，但不算太頻繁。與很多男士一樣，我對(duì)于自己不愛(ài)慕虛榮這一點(diǎn)頗為得意，而這是我妻子的“心病”——她一直對(duì)我剪平頭、留蓬松發(fā)以及不用任何護(hù)發(fā)素“耿耿于懷”，但這么多年來(lái)，我喝酒、勞累以及皮膚因嚴(yán)寒天而大面積皸裂，結(jié)果導(dǎo)致我打鍵盤時(shí)手指陣陣作痛，每次一笑，下巴頓時(shí)就會(huì)滲出血來(lái)……哎，可把不愛(ài)護(hù)皮膚的罪受夠了。我今年已屆不惑之年。大庭廣眾之下的年輕人不會(huì)對(duì)我說(shuō)：“哥們，咱們可是一伙”。
However, my regime for the past few weeks has consisted of some variant on the following. Get into shower. Rub self with Alexandra Soveral for Men Green Tea and Lime Hair and Body Wash (£35), yodelling happily. Clean face using Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Cleanser (£19), and Clarisonic Aria Advanced Sonic Cleansing brush (£155). Rub cheeks with Foreo Luna’s pre-shave vibrating cleanser for men (£145). Pat down cheeks with Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil (£205) before shaving with slightly blunt razor. Apply Sisleyum For Men anti-ageing aftershave (£165). Apply Tom Ford For Men Hydrating Lip Balm (£20) to lips. Apply 111 Skin Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream (£170) around eyes. Squirt a thin orangey gwibble of NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence (£380) into palm and rub it on cheeks and forehead. Follow up with Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum 7 Face + Neck Daily Moisturiser (£510, I repeat, £510 for 50g). Wonder about slapping on one of the six or seven other moisturisers I have, then think, “Nah. Wouldn’t want to go over the top, would I?”
但是，過(guò)去幾周我的美容行頭已經(jīng)添了新花樣。洗澡時(shí)，可以一邊哼唱，一邊用Alexandra Soveral推出的Men Green Tea and Lime Hair and Body Wash（男士有機(jī)綠茶與洗發(fā)沐浴露 售價(jià)35英鎊）。清潔臉部，則用科顏氏(Kiehl’s)的Oil Eliminator Cleanser（潔面去油露 售價(jià)19英鎊）與Clarisonic Aria 高檔潔面刷（售價(jià)155英鎊）。搓洗臉頰時(shí)，用Foreo Luna男士振動(dòng)洗臉神器（剃須前使用，售價(jià)145英鎊）。輕揉臉頰則先用售價(jià)205英鎊的杰米護(hù)士的白金剃須精油(Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil)，再用稍鈍些的刮胡刀處理。刮好后，用希思黎(Sisleyum)男士抗衰老乳液（售價(jià)165英鎊）。再選用湯姆•福特的男用保濕潤(rùn)唇膏（售價(jià)20英鎊），眼膏則用111 Skin的Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream（售價(jià)170英鎊）。擠一些NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精華素（售價(jià)380英鎊）于手掌心，再涂抹于雙頰與額頭處。最后再用杰米護(hù)士的白金款臉頸部日用潤(rùn)膚霜（售價(jià)510英鎊，我再?gòu)?qiáng)調(diào)一下，50毫升裝的售價(jià)510英鎊）。涂抹其它六七種潤(rùn)膚霜時(shí)不禁會(huì)這樣想：“算了，會(huì)不會(huì)抹多了呢？”
That is not to mention, by the way, the evening’s jollities: the mud masks and the cooling night-creams, applied with darling little spatulas; the actual glass ampoules of Dr Barbara Sturm’s Molecular Cosmetics Hyaluronic Acid Ampoules (£132 for 7 x 2ml) that I crack open to apply some clear oil (Molecular cosmetics! Cosmetics made of real molecules!) to my uncared-for face. I am acquainted, now, with peptides and eucalyptus oil. I am the fearless absorber of Argireline, the immortal beneficiary of Pitera™ and Clusterin. As regime change goes, all things considered, this makes Baghdad 2003 look conservative.
順便提一下，晚上抹的化妝品還沒(méi)算呢：用可愛(ài)的小抹刀涂抹黑泥面膜及起清涼作用的晚霜；打開Dr Barbara Sturm透明質(zhì)酸臉精華液安瓿瓶（劑量為2毫升，每盒七瓶，售價(jià)為132英鎊）后，給自己的老臉抹上一些清潔用油（這是真正取自分子的化妝品?。?。我如今早對(duì)肽油和桉油習(xí)以為常，對(duì)六勝肽的功效也深信不已，還是Pitera™和叢生蛋白等神奇產(chǎn)品的永久受益者。不斷變換化妝品花樣以及全面衡量后，一下子覺(jué)得Baghdad 2003似乎已經(jīng)過(guò)時(shí)。
Now I have not been resistant, hitherto, to using men’s beauty products because I associate them with effeminacy. I’m just fine with effeminacy. Mostly I’ve avoided them on the more concrete grounds that I think they are a con, and a pretentious con at that.
如今的我對(duì)男士化妝品不再抵觸，因?yàn)槲野阉鼈兣c柔美相關(guān)聯(lián)，而本人完全能接受之。我規(guī)避化妝品，通常是出于更確切的理由——覺(jué)得它們是忽悠貨，屬于自吹自擂。
I feel irritated by their barely literate marketing guff (“Terre d’Hermès is a symbolic narrative revolving around a raw material and its metamorphosis . . . ”), their modish ingredients, their stratospheric price tags and their essential sameness: strip out all the pseudoscience and here is (three times in four) a nice-smelling white goo that will make your face slightly greasy for about an hour or two.
我氣不打一處來(lái)的是那些文縐縐、廢話連篇的廣告用語(yǔ)（“愛(ài)馬仕大地情人男用香水(Terre d’Hermès)的廣告詞最具代表性，說(shuō)它產(chǎn)自天然原料，具有脫胎換骨之功效……”）、那些時(shí)髦的成份、令人咋舌的標(biāo)價(jià)以及大同小異的功效：去除天花亂墜的忽悠，實(shí)際就是香氣襲人的白色黏性物，它能讓諸位的臉部稍顯油光上一、二個(gè)小時(shí)而已。
My theory runs that skin is, basically, waterproof: that’s why we don’t all go like a toilet roll dropped in the bath when we get caught in the rain. And since skin is waterproof, trying to force moisture into it from the outside is the errand of a halfwit, when it is both cost-free and much easier to put the moisture on the inside, in the form of a glass of water.
我的理論是：皮膚從根本上說(shuō)具有防水功效，這就是為何我們被雨淋了個(gè)落湯雞，也不會(huì)像衛(wèi)生卷紙掉進(jìn)水里那樣。由于皮膚防水，所以外抹潤(rùn)膚品純屬腦殘干的事，而從內(nèi)增加濕度（如喝杯水）既便宜、也更容易。
It’s a theory to which I still hold, for the most part. And the first time I put on a Tom Ford For Men Intensive Purifying Mud Mask (£45) — and felt my skin go as tight as if I’d smeared haemorrhoid ointment all over my fizzog, then watched my black face dry to a Smurf-like cobalt blue, with the blocked pores on my nose picked out like seeds on a strawberry . . . it was, well. It was a novelty, I’ll give it that.
多數(shù)情況下本人仍深信此理論。我第一次涂抹湯姆•福特男士深層清透泥面膜 （Men Intensive Purifying Mud Mask，售價(jià)45英鎊）時(shí)，感覺(jué)臉部皮膚緊繃得就像涂了痔瘡膏似的，然后看到自己的黝黑臉干燥得變成了藍(lán)精靈(Smurf)似的鈷藍(lán)色，鼻子上堵塞的毛孔猶如草莓上長(zhǎng)的小黑種子，很是顯眼……哎，真是新奇別致，只能由它去吧。
But I have to confess that my experiment with a grooming regime that would cause American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman to look on in — I fancy — a respectful hush has not been wasted. Lord knows, you have to be not only cash-rich but time-rich to go through with all this palaver every morning; some of us have children to get to school and wives who need to shower.
但我必須承認(rèn)自己使用各種化妝品的嘗試也算有所收獲，我想它會(huì)讓《美國(guó)精神病人》(American Psycho)一片中的帕特里克•貝特曼(Patrick Bateman)駐足仰慕。結(jié)果怎樣看來(lái)只有天知道，但諸位每天早上拾掇自己，不僅得不差錢，還得舍得花時(shí)間；有些人每天早上得送孩子上學(xué)，有時(shí)妻子沖澡還會(huì)占用衛(wèi)生間。
But I did, actually, quite enjoy it. That eye cream is quite soothing, whether or not — and my money’s on not — the black diamonds have any measurable dermatological effect. I loved the cool gloopiness of Kiehl’s facial exfoliator, with its gritty particles of something glittery suspended in the gel.
但本人事實(shí)上卻樂(lè)在其中。盡管不知黑鉆石眼霜對(duì)皮膚病是否有啥療效（花錢卻是不爭(zhēng)的事實(shí)），但用后感覺(jué)很是舒爽。我喜歡科顏氏磨砂面膏粘稠液（其中懸浮在凝膠中亮晶晶的磨砂顆粒）抹在臉上的陣陣清涼感。
I even quite liked the musky mineral pong of that unbearably up-itself Terre d’Hermès aftershave (£47). The Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème — it comes in a day gel (£70) and a night balm (£81) in pretty blue pots — is very pleasant and not at all greasy-feeling; better, for my money, than the sinisterly gelid boiled-down-horses-hooves consistency of that Platinum moisturiser.
我甚至很喜歡剃須后抹的愛(ài)馬仕大地情人香水（售價(jià)47英鎊）所散發(fā)的氣味。用漂亮藍(lán)瓶裝的嬌蘭特效水凝清爽保濕霜(The Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème)既有日霜（售價(jià)70英鎊），也有晚霜（售價(jià)81英鎊），用后效果很爽，壓根不會(huì)有油膩感；就我的經(jīng)濟(jì)實(shí)力而言，它比白金潤(rùn)膚霜那種冷颼颼的凝膠體效果好。
I can’t say I’ve ever had much time for shaving oil, even if it is dispensed with Nurse Jamie’s pseudo-medical eye-dropper — you always need more of it than advertised — and it does nothing that good old shaving foam doesn’t. NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence is a not-very-nice-smelling orangey goop. But it’s possible that I’m unconsciously biased against these products on the grounds that they seem the most intelligence-insultingly expensive of all I tried.
我不能說(shuō)自己有充裕的時(shí)間使用剃須油，即便它無(wú)需使用吉米護(hù)士的仿醫(yī)用滴管（諸位需要更多量的剃須油，而不是像廣告所宣揚(yáng)的那個(gè)劑量），而且比起老式剃須泡沫，它的效果實(shí)在差強(qiáng)人意。NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精華素是味道不太好聞的橙色粘稠物。但也可能是本人在潛意識(shí)中對(duì)這些產(chǎn)品存在偏見(jiàn)，理由是本人試用過(guò)的這些化妝品價(jià)格實(shí)在高得離譜。
And, fair’s fair, the products may not be my idea of a priority for disposable income but they do have some effect. Deep clean? Sure. Soothe? Definitely. Rejuvenate? That’s probably too much to ask of even real science: I have three children under six so I look how I feel, which is 104 years old.
但說(shuō)句公道話，就本人的可支配收入而言，這些產(chǎn)品可能不會(huì)成為我的首選，但它們的確有效果。深度潔凈？沒(méi)問(wèn)題。用后舒服？完全如此。重?zé)ɑ盍?？即便真正科學(xué)都難以給出明確答案：我有三位不足六歲的孩子，因此我的形象就是內(nèi)心的真實(shí)反映，我早已未老先衰。
Nevertheless, at least for the first few hours of every day, and probably thereafter, my skin — my now nice-smelling skin — did feel as smooth as the proverbial baby’s bottom. I can vouch for this because I did a comparison with my actual baby’s actual bottom, which is moisturised with Diprobase (£9.99 for 500g).
然而，至少每天開始幾個(gè)小時(shí)自己感覺(jué)很爽，也許以后也會(huì)如此，我的皮膚（如今香氣撲鼻的臉蛋）光滑得就象嬰兒的小屁股蛋。我對(duì)此信誓旦旦，因?yàn)槲艺媾c自己孩子的小屁股蛋作了比較，小屁股蛋因?yàn)槟俗虧?rùn)抗菌的藥膏Diprobase（500克裝的售價(jià)9.99英鎊）而顯得異常嬌嫩。
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Sam’s beauty basket
山姆的美容行頭
Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Cleanser £19
科顏氏Oil Eliminator Cleanser潔面去油露19英鎊
Clarisonic Aria Advanced Sonic Cleansing Brush £155
Clarisonic Aria 高檔潔面刷155英鎊
Foreo Luna pre-shave vibrating cleanser £145
Foreo Luna男士振動(dòng)洗臉神器145英鎊
Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil £205
杰米護(hù)士的白金剃須精油205英鎊
Sisleyum For Men Anti-Age aftershave £165
希思黎男士抗衰老乳液165英鎊
Tom Ford for Men Hydrating Lip Balm £20
湯姆•福特的男用保濕潤(rùn)唇膏20英鎊
111 Skin Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream £170
111 Skin的Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream眼膏170英鎊
NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence £380
NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精華素380英鎊
Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum 7 Moisturiser £510
杰米護(hù)士的白金款臉頸部日用潤(rùn)膚霜510英鎊
Dr Barbara Sturm Hyaluronic Acid Ampoules £132
Dr Barbara Sturm透明質(zhì)酸臉精華液安瓿瓶132英鎊
Tom Ford for Men Mud Mask £45
湯姆•福特男士深層清透泥面膜45英鎊
Terre d’Hermès Aftershave £47
剃須后抹的愛(ài)馬仕大地情人香水47英鎊
Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème Day Gel £70
嬌蘭特效水凝清爽保濕日霜70英鎊
Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème Night Balm £81
嬌蘭特效水凝清爽保濕晚霜81英鎊
Alexandra Soveral Hair and Body Wash £35
Alexandra Soveral的男士洗發(fā)沐浴露35英鎊
Total £2,179
總計(jì)：2179英鎊
