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Friendships that happen in an instant are awesome, but there are many friendships that develop at a more leisurely pace and become just as awesome over time. Some of us are may be slower to open up to new relationships. Our reasons may vary quite widely, but may include, among others, poor early modeling by parents, past experiences of being hurt, innate shyness, or simple social insecurity. Regardless of your personal reasons, it is still possible to build new relationships. However, this may require that you step outside of your comfort zone, as well as risk rejection.
能在短時間內建立起友誼當然是件很棒的事情，但我們要知道，有很多友誼建立的過程相對緩慢，并且這種友誼往往會隨著時間的推移而越發美妙。有些人在敞開心扉建立一段新關系方面的節奏會往往會比較慢。這么做的理由往往差別很大，但不外乎這幾種：由于父母的原因在早期形成的不太好的行為模式、曾經過傷的經歷、內心深處的羞怯或者僅僅是因為在社交方面存在不安全感。不管你個人的理由是什么，都還是有可能建立起一段新的關系的。但這要求你要從內心舒適區走出來，并且要承擔被決絕的風險。
Four Easy Steps for Building a Friendship that Provides Enduring Warmth
四步建立起一段可以維持恒溫的友誼。
Step 1: Gather the Wood
第一步：收集木材
If you are tired of being lonely or feel like you are in need of new, more relevant friends, the first step is widening the pool of potential friends. Is there an online “meet-up” you would like to attend? An upcoming opening of a new art gallery? A 5K for a charity about which you care? A new exercise class or writer’s group? A community enrichment class? A new church group? If the people you generally have around you are not likely candidates for building friendships, you must find a way to meet new people – friendships cannot happen in a vacuum!
如果你厭倦了孤單或者感覺自己需要一些新的、更加親密的朋友，那么第一步就是擴展潛在朋友的圈子。你愿意參加在線聚會嗎？一個即將開放的藝術館？一個你所關心的5公里遠的慈善機構？一個新的健身課程或者作家小組？一個社區課程？一個新的教堂小組？如果你平時經常來往的人群中沒有可以成為朋友的人選，那么你就必須要找到一個認識新人群的方式——在封閉的環境下是不可能建立起友誼的。
Step 2: Lay the Fire
第二步：準備生火
The next step is beginning a conversation with a potential friend. If you are painfully shy, look for someone else who seems to be on the periphery of the group. This person may be relieved, or even thrilled, that you made the first move. Make a comment about the event you are at or the setting you are in. For instance, you might open with something like “Wow, the instructor sure makes eagle pose look easy!” or “I’ve only run in one 5K before – how many have you completed?” or "This book was a tedius read at first, but I really got into the story midway through."
下一步就是開始與潛在的朋友展開交往。如果你是個非常羞澀的人，那就選擇那些似乎處于該組織外圍的人來交往。這種人是放松的，或者甚至是緊張激動的，所以你就可以采取主動了。對你目前所經歷的事或你目前所處的環境進行評價。例如，你可以這樣開始一段談話：”哇，這個教練做二式棲息鷹的動作看起來好輕松哦！“或者"我之前只跑過一個5公里，你完成了多少呀？“或者”我起初看這本書時，覺得好乏味啊，但是讀到一半時，我就深深被它所吸引了。“
Step 3: Strike the Match
第三步：點燃火柴
If the potential friend responds warmly and you believe you are both enjoying the small talk, you may want to take another step. If you are in a class or other setting in which you will be meeting again, you might wait until the next meeting before trying to fan the flame of a friendship. If this is a one-time deal, and your gut tells you this might be a friendship in the making, you may use a different tactic. Find a way to determine if this person shares your interest in the type of event you are at and then assess whether you feel that you would like to begin building a friendship. For instance, you might say, “Wow, this has been fun! Are there any other cool art exhibits around town now?” or “I am so glad that I was able to fit this "craft fest/salsa night/event name" into my schedule this week! Do you often attend these, too?”
如果這個潛在的朋友對你進行了熱情的回應，那么你就能相信你們都在享受這個簡短的交談，這時你就可以進行下一步了。如果你與這個潛在的朋友上的是同一個課程或者處于別的可以再次遇見的場合，你可以等到再次遇見時再嘗試燃起友誼的火花。如果你與這個潛在的朋友就只見這么一次，并且你的直覺告訴你這也許是一段可以建立的友誼的話，你就要使用一個不同的策略了。想辦法搞清楚這個人對你正在經歷的這個事情是否與你一樣感興趣，然后搞清楚你自己是否想要開始建立起一段友誼。例如，你可以說：”哇，這個真棒！目前城里還有別的什么精彩的藝術展覽嗎？“或者”我很高興這周我有時間去參加工藝節/薩爾薩舞會等（事件名稱），你也經常參加這些活動嗎？“
Step 4: Keep the Friendship Flame Burning
第四步：將友誼之火燃起
If you and the potential friend feel a mutual willingness to take the relationship a little deeper, tentatively mention a potential second meeting. Or, perhaps, continue the first meeting. Say something like, “So many cool ideas were shared at this writer’s club, do you want to go get coffee and continue our conversation?” If you get rejected, you can cover with something like, “Yeah, you’re right – I didn’t realize how late it was! Maybe we can touch bases again next month? Or we could meet up before that meeting?” You are showing your interest in continuing the conversation and establishing a friendship, but not pressuring the potential friend.
如果你和你潛在的朋友彼此都有意愿將這個關系進行地更深一些，那么就可以試探性地開啟一個別的見面的契機。或者，也許，繼續之前的會面也不錯。你可以這樣說：”這個作家俱樂部分享了這么多的精彩的觀點，你想出去喝杯咖啡繼續談談嗎？“如果你被拒絕了，你可以這樣說：”嗯，你是對的——我沒意識到時間已經這么晚了！我們下個月再聯系？或者我們可以在下次聚會之前見一面？“這樣說既表達了你想要繼續這段關系并且將其發展為朋友關系的意愿，同時也沒有給這位潛在的朋友施加什么壓力。
If the “continued conversation” happens and you still have good vibes about the potential friend, allow yourself to reveal a new layer of yourself. Friendships grow as the investment of interest and shared self-disclosure deepen. Don't rush in, however. This can overwhelm some people. Coming across as being "needy" is a quick way to scare off potential friends. Be cool, be confident. Know that we are born to crave companionship, and let others into your world at an appropriate pace.
如果你們開始繼續交往，通過交往，你對這個潛在的朋友依舊感覺很好，那么就展示出自己全新的一面給這個人。友誼會隨著雙方興趣的投入和不斷深入的自我展示而逐漸加深的。但是，不要著急。否則會把某些人給嚇到。以一個急切的方式去結識對方會很快地把潛在的朋友給嚇跑。淡定一點，自信一點，要知道我們是天生渴望友誼的，讓別人以一個恰當的節奏進入你的世界。
If the Fire Doesn't Burn
如果火焰沒有燃燒起來
If the potential friend doesn't return your warmth or interest in a friendship and then falls back into the “acquaintance” or “stranger” category, that is OKAY! Not everyone is going to be your new best friend. Some salespeople remind themselves that it can take 10 “No’s” to get to a single “Yes.” So, tell yourself that you are one person closer to your next new friend!
如果這個潛在的朋友沒有對你的熱情作出回應或者并不想和你交朋友，那么把這個人放回”熟人“或者”陌生人“的行列，這就行了！并不是每個人都會成為你的新的最好的朋友。銷售人員總是這樣提醒自己：10次“不”總會換來一次“是”。所以，告訴你自己你離你的下一個新朋友已經很近了。
Whether you and a new friend hit it off instantly or build a relationship over time, the value of good friends never diminishes. Be willing to take risks. Accept that while rejection can be painful, it is not a permanent condition. Keep your momentum moving forward and remember that not everyone can be your friend, but that good friendships are worth the risk.
無論你和你的新朋友屬于一見面就很投緣或者屬于經歷了一段時間才建立起一段關系，好朋友的價值永遠不會縮水的。你要敢于承擔風險，接受這樣一個事實，即：雖然被拒絕是令人難過的，但難過也只是暫時的。始終保持你前進的勢頭并且要記住：不是每個人都會成為你的朋友，但真正的好朋友是值得你冒險的。
