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匯集美國各大晚間脫口秀中一些搞笑Monologue, 時事性新聞性外加些美國幽默。
March 26, 2009
"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here's what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They'll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno
“我有一個計劃，可以結束在伊拉克和阿富汗的戰爭。我們這么做。我們把我們所有的士兵撤回來。我們再送我們的投資銀行家去那里。他們一定只需6個月就能把那里搞得一塌糊涂。 只要6個月！”-杰·雷諾
"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff's prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don't confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno
“紐約皇后區的一名建筑工人，用伯納德·麥道夫監獄號碼，買彩票中了獎。這個家伙中了1500美元。當然，伯納德·麥道夫被關在監獄里，是因為他用‘保證賺錢’的巨大騙局，來吸走富人的錢。但是，請不要將他和州政府彩票所混淆。州政府彩票那是用保證賺錢的巨大騙局，來吸走窮人的錢?！?——杰·雷諾
March 25, 2009
"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno
“這里有多少人觀看了昨晚總統的新聞發布會？當他被問到‘為什么等了三天他才大聲疾呼表示反對AIG的獎金計劃’的時候，你知道，他昨晚有點兒不高興，奧巴馬總統說，他喜歡在說話之前知道自己要說的是什么。所以，這又一是一項與布什的政策完全相反的奧巴馬政策?！薄堋だ字Z
"No, President Obama also unveiled his new border policy to fight the Mexican drug wars. Interesting. It consists of the feds buying up to 80 percent of all the Mexican cartels. You see, we're going to get all the toxic drugs out of the system. We're going to buy them up. We will be owners of the drug cartels. I'm trying to get something with that joke and it's going nowhere." --Jay Leno
“ 不，奧巴馬總統還推出了新的邊境政策，以打擊墨西哥的毒品交易。有趣的是。新的政策是：由聯邦政府收購所有墨西哥毒品壟斷集團多達百分之八十的股份。看，我們將把所有的有毒資產——毒品從系統中清除掉。我們將把它們全部買進。我們將成為毒品集團的所有者。我試圖從中找些笑話，可我實在找不到?！?——杰·雷諾
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon
“許多人都在抱怨，說奧巴馬正在變得過于照本宣科了。昨晚，他正在和老婆米歇爾親密的時候，老婆突然說，‘等等，你是不是正在用電子提詞機?。俊?-吉米·法倫
"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon's asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it's a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. 'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?'" --Jimmy Fallon
“你聽說了嗎？Nickelodeon兒童電視頻道呼吁，所有的小孩在地球日那天拔掉家里電子設備的電源線一分鐘，以教育他們尊重環境的重要性。我認為這是一個很好的主意，除非孩子們那天正在探訪療養院里的祖母。那樣的話那斷電的一分鐘會是相當難受的。海棉寶寶謀殺祖母，怎么回事啊？” ——吉米·法倫
March 24, 2009
"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno
“昨天股場反彈了，之前美國財政部表示，將幫助銀行出售其有毒資產。這是個大問題，銀行跟本不可能出售有毒資產。嗨，笨瓜。我的意思是，我可不是經濟學家，但也許應該立即停止稱呼那些為有毒資產。對嗎？這難道不就是像肯德基做廣告說，要賣沙門氏菌雞嗎？”——杰·雷諾
"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon
“墨西哥政府剛剛宣布懸賞2百萬美元捉拿墨西哥的首要毒梟，這種做法和我們在美國的做法有所不同。我們是給我們首要的罪犯發獎金。”-吉米·法倫
"Let's not forget the AIG company. The AIG stands for 'ain't I greedy?' No, they changed the name of the company today to 'AIU' Oh! Okay then. Everything's forgiven.' AIU for 'ain't I unethical?' There you are." --Craig Ferguson
“別忘了AIG公司。AIG三個字母代表‘Ain't I Greedy’我不貪心嗎？ 不，今天他們把公司的名稱改為AIU了。??！好吧，那么。一切都可以原諒了。AIU是‘我不道德嗎’，你看這事。”——克雷格·弗格森
"AIG changing their name is like Hitler changing his name and hoping people won't notice." --Craig Ferguson
“AIG改名字，就像是希特勒改名字，然后指望沒人會注意到他改了名字?！薄死赘瘛じジ裆?/P>
"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors." --Jay Leno
“前總統布什現在正在寫了一本書，是有關他任總統時必須做出的十二個最艱難的決定。他說，當時每一個決定都有三個選擇——剪刀、石頭、布。”——杰·雷諾
"In a move that will cost 300 Americans their jobs, the Federal government announced it will no longer buy American-made condoms made in Alabama. We're now going to buy cheaper condoms made in China. Does that make any sense? If Chinese condoms are so good, why are there over one billion Chinese people?" --Jay Leno
“美國政府宣布將不再購買美國在阿拉巴馬制造的避孕套了，這一舉措將會使300名美國人失去就業機會。我們將要購買中國制造更便宜的避孕套了。這有任何意義嗎？如果中國制造的避孕套性能那么好的話，為什么會有10多億的中國人哪？”——杰·雷諾
"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon
“昨晚你們看到‘60分鐘’電視節目中這個消息嗎？米歇爾·奧巴馬開始在白宮草坪上開辟一處小菜園子了。當奧巴馬一家擔心食物不夠的時候，你們就應該知道經濟有多糟糕了?！薄住し▊?/P>
