我無法正常工作--遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不能。但兒子的治療挨過了一個月又一個月，他可以出院在外待較長時間了。我和我丈夫仍然輪流去門診所或是醫(yī)院。幸運(yùn)的是，我的家人和保姆也能減輕我的負(fù)擔(dān)，所以兒子一直有人陪著。

There were still long stretches when I needed to drop everything to be with him. But to my surprise, I found that going to work when I could eased my sense of helplessness. I could be distracted: there were phone calls and deadlines and a rhythm to be swept into. I could be in control of something.

雖然是這樣，可仍有很長一段時間我得拋開一切事情陪在他身邊。但讓我吃驚的是，我發(fā)現(xiàn)只有在工作的時候才能減輕我的無助感。我可以分散注意力，因?yàn)橛心敲炊嚯娫捯幚恚敲炊嗑o急的和日常的工作要去做。我還能夠管理某些事情。

I felt guilty at first about the solace I took from work.I often wondered what the other mothers thought of me――taking my work clothes to the hospital, showering in the parents' stall after a long night in which we'd heard the cries of all our children.

剛開始我覺得從工作中獲得安慰有一種內(nèi)疚感。我常常想到別的母親會怎么看我--我把上班穿的衣服帶到醫(yī)院，熬了長長的一晚聽夠孩子們的哭鬧后在家長單間里沖澡。

Eventually, I realized that getting away was good not only for me but for my son and daughter. When my son first became sick, the doctors told me I had to be strong for him. I could not show fear. Somehow I also had to convey confidence to my daughter, to help her endure what had befallen us.

最后，我意識到離開不僅對我而且對我兒子女兒都有好處。兒子剛開始生病的時候，醫(yī)生就對我說，為了他我得堅(jiān)強(qiáng)起來。我不能把恐懼顯露出來。我還得設(shè)法把信心傳遞給女兒，幫她忍受降臨在我們身上的事情。

Although I feared that working might be selfish,I could see that it actually seemed reassuring to my children,a sign that we could,for moments at least,return to our routines. Working was a pledge that life could go on.It was a statement of hope.

盡管我也擔(dān)心我去工作可能自私了一些，但我知道實(shí)際上這消除了孩子們的疑慮，這標(biāo)志著我們至少有時可以回到常規(guī)的生活中去。工作意味著生活能繼續(xù)。工作也說明有希望。

Once again, as I had so often realized since I had become a mother, I understood how dangerous are the " shoulds" of motherhood, how destructive is society's insistence on one right way to be a good mother. Too many experts tell us that good mothers do not abandon their children to baby sitters. Good mothers prove their devotion by never leaving their children. Yet such rules ignore the truth that mothers are not all alike, that there are many ways to give children what they need and deserve. The rules tell mothers how to act without taking into account how mothers feel and how those feelings will affect their children.

我再一次認(rèn)識到--自從做了母親后我已多次意識到--做母親的"該做些什么"這樣的想法有多危險，而社會堅(jiān)持如何做好母親的惟一標(biāo)準(zhǔn)又有多大的毀滅性。有那么多專家告訴我們，好母親不會把孩子留給保姆。好母親的愛心就是從不把孩子獨(dú)自留下。然而這些規(guī)則都忽略了這樣一個事實(shí)：并不是所有的母親都一樣，而且滿足孩子的需要和他們該得到的有方式很多。這些規(guī)則沒有考慮到母親的感覺，以及這種感覺會對孩子有何影響。

If I had followed the rules, I would have succumbed to terror and failed my children. In the end, this ordeal eased my guilt about leaving my son's side at times. I realized that I, like many others who care for sick people, needed somewhere else to go once in a while to draw breath and find meaning before returning to the work of nursing.For me, my job was that place.For others, it might be someplace else.

如果我也遵循了這些規(guī)則，我也許就向恐懼投降了，也會使我的孩子失望。這種嚴(yán)峻的考驗(yàn)最終減輕了我因?yàn)闀r不時離開兒子而產(chǎn)生的負(fù)疚感。我認(rèn)識到，像其他照顧患者的人一樣，我也需要不時地去其他地方歇一歇，找到生活的意義，然后再回去照料病人。對我而言，工作就是這樣一個換換氣的地方。對別人來說，可能是其他地方。

My son is recovering now, but I am still too close to his illness to understand fully what lessons I can learn, what meaning I can wrest, from this experience. All I can say is that working when my child was so sick might look wrong from the outside, but on the inside, it helped keep me sane. I grew less intimidated by the other mothers. I allowed myself to see that I was no less dedicated. We were all caring for our children, each in our own way.

我兒子現(xiàn)在正在恢復(fù)，但我仍很擔(dān)心他的病情，以致于不完全知道從這次經(jīng)歷中我能吸取什么教訓(xùn)、得出什么結(jié)論。我能說的只是孩子生病我還工作，在外人看來這似乎是不對的。但實(shí)際上，這樣做幫助我保持理智。我不再因?yàn)槠渌赣H的行動而感到恐懼不安。我自己也看到我跟其他母親一樣樂于獻(xiàn)身。我們都很關(guān)心孩子，只是每個人都有自己的方式。