評論
打印
Beyond Fear
超越恐懼
When I was told last year that my 2－year－old son had an illness that threatened his life, I tried to strike a bargain with fate――I would do anything, I would trade my old life away, if only he would get better. We learned that our son would need months of treatment, maybe even a year, before we would know whether he would recover. My husband and I settled into a deadening routine; one night at the hospital, the next night at home to be with our daughter, then right back to the hospital. The days and nights were a blur of medical reports. Fear and despair engulfed me.
去年當我得知兩歲的兒子患了一種危及生命的疾病時，我努力跟命運抗爭--只要他能好起來，我什么都愿意做，甚至改變我以前的生活。我們得知，兒子需要治療好幾個月、甚至一年后，才知道是不是能康復。我和我丈夫陷入了一種呆板的生活中：頭一晚在醫院，第二天晚上在家陪女兒，然后又一晚待在醫院。日日夜夜都是治療報告。恐懼和絕望吞沒了我。
I watched the other mothers at the hospital. I saw the mother of the child with cystic fibrosis faithfully administer physical therapy, heard the hollow thump－thump－thump as she pounded the child's chest, her efforts a talisman of dedication, hope and pain. I ached for the mother whose infant twins both had cancer and who managed somehow to write thank－you notes to the nurses after the babies' many hospitalizations. I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.
我觀察了一下醫院里的其他母親。有一個孩子囊性纖維變性，他母親盡職地幫他進行理療，在孩子胸上連續敲打，聽砰砰的聲音。她的努力里面飽含著奉獻、希望和痛苦。我敬重那位母親，她的一對雙胞胎嬰兒得了癌癥，她在孩子們多次治療之后還能強忍悲痛給護士們寫感謝信。
I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.
我擔心自己可能做不到像這些母親那樣堅強。她們做的正是好母親該做的，也是病兒母親不得不做的，也是我所做的。
But I did not feel selfless, the way those other mothers seemed to feel. I was ashamed to admit it, but mingled with my terror and grief. After the first three weeks, we realized we were only at the start of a marathon. The friends who knew me best started telling me I should go back to work. It would be good for you to get a break, they said. I resisted. Good mothers, I thought, do not abandon their sick children for work. Yet when my son's doctor told me he thought it would be fine, that he could E－mail his assessments, I tore myself away.
但我并不像其他母親那樣覺得無私。我很羞愧地承認這一點，同時感到恐懼和悲傷。頭三周過后，我們意識到這只是一場馬拉松的開頭。了解我的朋友開始對我說，我應該繼續工作。他們說，換換環境對我有好處。可我拒絕了。我認為好母親不會丟下生病的孩子去工作。然而兒子的醫生也告訴我那樣做會好一些，他可以用電子郵件向我傳遞治療報告，我只好忍痛離開了。
I could not work a normal schedule――far from it. But as the months of my son's treatment dragged on, he was able to stay out of the hospital for longer periods. My husband and I still took turns at the outpatient clinic or at the hospital. I was lucky that my family and my baby sitter could also relieve me so that my son was never alone.
